Sink or Swim
by mistymorningwritings
Summary: Alex and Jo's happiness is threatened, when a new doctor comes to GSM Hospital. His arrival forces Jo to face the dark and painful secrets of her past she's never shared with any one, not even Alex. Meanwhile Alex finds himself confronted with his own past as his sister and mother turn up in Seattle.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes - This story takes place around the end of s11. I made some changes though, so it might appear slightly AU. For one, Derek is alive in my story. He doesn't play a crucial role, but there's no place in my fanfic world for a dead Derek. However, this change does have an impact on a few other things. Since Meredith and Derek still live in the McMansion, Alex and Jo (and Arizona) still live in the Grey house. This also means that the loft (and the ILY) never happened, which is sad, but I need it that way for my story. The time jump never happened either, so Alex and Jo have only been a couple for ca. 2 years.**

 **I want to thank my beta reader Sam, without whom this story wouldn't be possible**

* * *

Chapter 1

Alex Karev woke up before the alarm went off, which was strange since he was anything but an early riser. With a glance at the clock he saw it wasn't time for work yet, but he couldn't go back to sleep either so he turned around and with his head resting on his bent elbow he watched his girlfriend who was still peacefully sleeping by his side. A small smile flashed over his face, as he listened to her steady breathing. Sometimes he still couldn't believe how lucky he was to be with her. Smart, funny, loyal, beautiful and compassionate - Jo was by far the best thing that ever happened to him.

But then there were those unrelenting doubts again, making their way into his head. Doubts which told him that maybe he didn't know her quite as well as he thought he did.

She was holding back something, he could feel it. Most of the time he wasn't too bothered by it. Everybody had things they didn't want to talk about. She was not obligated to tell him every little detail about her life. What mattered was he knew the important things, like that fact that she'd always have his back, that he could trust her and that they loved each other. Yet sometimes he caught himself thinking back to that evening when the tree crashed through their living room window.

 _The last time someone grabbed me like Jason did... I... I promised no one would ever do that again..._

Someone had hurt her, he knew that much. He wasn't an idiot, there were only so many things which could put that kind of fear in a woman's eyes and as a doctor and growing up in his family he'd seen that look more times than he'd have liked. This time it concerned his own girlfriend and he didn't know what to do. More than anything Alex wanted Jo to open up about her past, so he could be there for her, the way she had been there for him when the painful parts of his own past caught up with him in the reappearance of his father Jimmy. After the night with the tree, Alex didn't want to push Jo to talk about traumatic experiences from her past mostly because he'd thought one day, when she was ready, she would start talking about it on her own. But that day never came. Now, almost 2 years later, Alex felt like it was too late to bring up the topic casually. Not that there was anything casual about it.

And it's not like Jo never talked about her past at all. He knew the cornerstones of her story. That her mother gave her away when she was a baby, that she grew up in foster homes, that in high school she'd lived in her car. They even had this little game going on, where one would tell the other an outrageous fact about their childhood and the other tried to trump it with a story that was even worse. It was just a funny, stupid thing they did and an easy way to learn stuff about each other's childhoods, without opening the really painful chapters both of them were reluctant to talk about. Still it made Alex wonder if Jo had any happy memories from her childhood at all. Sure, the thrill of stealing cars could be fun, but was there even one moment where Jo had been a truly happy and carefree child?

The thing was, Alex's childhood was hell but for him they had existed, those rare moments of real childhood bliss. Moments at a fair with his father, before he became a shouting and beating choleric. Moments, when his sister would tease him about his crappy hairdressing skills, because he could never get that Dutch braid right. Moments, when he played the old guitar because Amber and Aaron and even their mother loved to hear him play.

As much as he wanted to, he could never bring himself to directly ask Jo to share some joyous childhood memories. Maybe he was afraid of the answer.

While Alex was still deep in thought, Jo opened her eyes slowly and blinked at him. Noticing his thoughtful look she mumbled, "What are you doing up already?"

"Nothing. I was just..."

"Are you watching me in my sleep, like a creep?"

"What? No! No way. Besides it's not called creep when it is your boyfriend. I was just in awe of the sleeping beauty beside me", he added charmingly.

Jo laughed quietly into her pillow. She rose to give him a kiss.

Alex turned away. "Hey, careful, beware the morning breath."

"Oh please! I'm just as gross as you are right now. Give me my kiss!" She reached for his face and pressed her lips against his. What started out as an impatient gesture quickly turned into a deep and passionate kiss. They might have gone further, but they were disturbed by the alarm going off. It was time to get ready for work after all.

They took turns in the shower, which was a wise decision, since they always forgot time, when they showered together and they didn't want to be late for work again. Aftwards they got dressed and ate some breakfast. In the car, Jo started her ususal routine of messing around with the radio to find a news station.

Alex side-eyed her. "I don't know why the hell you want to listen to that much depressing shit this early in the morning."

"It's called the news, Alex. Some people think it's mature and adult to know what's going on in the world around them."

"Yeah well, I'm more of an "ignorance is bliss" kind of guy. At least at 7 in the morning," he grumbled.

Jo ignored his objections and kept listening.

As they were about to enter the hospital Alex held Jo back for one last kiss.

"See you at lunch today?"

Jo made a doubtful face. "I don't think so. I'm on Shepherd's service today and we're going to operate on a very complicated tumour. I'm not sure how long it's going to take."

Alex was not happy to hear that. "Great, so you're gonna be looking into Shepherd's deep and thoughtful eyes the whole day."

Jo chuckled. "Come on! I'm not gonna be looking into his eyes. I'm gonna be looking at a hideous brain tumour. Besides he is married to your best friend and they have 2 kids. Trust me, I'm so not crushing on Shepherd. I solely appreciate his teaching skills. He is a pretty great teacher."

Alex wasn't quite satisfied with the answer. Something about Jo's choice of words bothered him, even though he knew she was just messing with him.

"So you're saying, Shepherd being married to Meredith is the only reason you're not interested in him? If he wasn't you would be into him? You didn't deny that he has thoughtful eyes. And also I thought I was your favourite teacher?"

"Aw," Jo mockingly stroke his head. "Okay, to clarify: You are my favourite teacher at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital and I'm not into Dr. Shepherd, because he is not my type. And most importantly, yours are the deepest and most thoughtful eyes of them all. Better?"

"Better," Alex confirmed.

Jo smiled. "Besides if there's one person who has reasons to be jealous it's me anyways."

"Oh and why would that be?" he asked he as he grabbed her jacket and tugged her towads him.

"Because that scrub nurse Natalie has a thing for you."

"What? That's not true."

"It's true Alex. I see it everytime I'm on your service. She's always there."

"Well, that's because she is a Peds scrub nurse," he pointed out to her as a couple interns walked past them into the hospital

"But she keeps looking at you, smiling at you and she keeps checking out your ass," Jo argued.

"What? Seriously? I never noticed."

Jo nodded. "She does. So you better watch your butt, Mister" she said in serious tone and raised her finger which bizzarely reminded him of a teacher but was also kind of hot.

"I'd rather you watch it for me," Alex said with a naughty grin, which made Jo laugh again. Eventually she took his arm and dragged him into the building. "Come on, we don't wanna be late. Or both our asses are gonna be in trouble."

Both of them were caught by surprise at the turmoil they found themselves in the middle of as soon as they entered the hallway leading to the Chief of Surgery office. Attendings, residents, interns and nurses alike were waiting in front of the closed door, chatting loudly.

"Oh right..." Jo started, "they're gonna announce Bailey's competition for the Chief of Surgery position today. How could we forget that?"

"Probably because it doesn't matter anyways? I mean, whoever Catherine Avery picked as her candidate, Bailey is gonna get the job in the end. Bailey's gonna kick their ass."

Jo looked at Alex. "Do you even want her to become Chief? She already got your board seat."

Alex considered that for a moment. "Yeah true... but Bailey is a great doctor. Plus she knows us and we know her. Guess I'd rather she ran this place than a stranger. Besides she's been bossing us around like a Chief for years already."

Jo's gaze went back to the closed office door. "So, do you have any idea who this candidate could be? Do we even know if it's a man or woman?"

Alex shrugged. "No idea."

It was at that moment the office door opened and Chief Hunt stepped out. "So, I guess nobody in this hospital has to work?" he asked with a stern look on his face. Then he sighed. "Alright, alright. Since I don't want our patients to suffer just because our staff is noisy and overly curious about the new Chief candidate, I'm gonna make it quick: Please welcome, Dr. Lionel Baker."

Jo froze. From where she was standing she couldn't see the man who now stepped out of Hunt's office, but she didn't have to. Hearing the name was enough. She felt like something had squeezed all air out of her lungs. For a moment she was unable to breath and she could already feel the adrenaline rushing through her veins, as her body and mind panicked.

She imagined a man in his early 50s stepping out of the room. Charismatic, with a little salt and pepper in his hair. Thin but not athletic. Not anymore at least.

Jo felt confined. As if the surrounding crowd was closing in on her. She couldn't be here anymore. Slowly, as to not attract attention, she backed away from the crowd. Eventually she was stopped by a wall behind her. She saw Alex turning around to say something to her. Noticing she was gone, he searched the hallway. Jo remained silent and hidden in the shadows of the staircase, shaken up and dazed.

No, this couldn't be! Why him? What was he doing here?

Which was a stupid question. Jo knew what he was doing here. He was Catherine Avery's candidate for the Chief of Surgery position. But she knew this couldn't be a coincidence, that there was more too it. And that "more" had to do with her.

Hunt was talking about Baker's career and accomplishments, but Jo barely listened. Her thoughts were running wild so she didn't even notice Maggie, who had just joined the gathered crowd and was standing only a few feet away from her. Only when the Grey sister uttered an annoyed grunt, did Jo realise she had company.

"Great, this new canditate just had to be another cardiothoracic surgeon, didn't he? This is just great," Maggie muttered, more to herself than to Jo.

"I don't like him either," Jo mumbled. When she looked up, realizing she'd said that out loud, she met Maggie's gaze who looked a bit confused. Before she could ask any questions, Jo rushed off, heading for the residents' locker room. In her head she kept repeating the same questions over and over again.

 _Why him? What was he doing here?_


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Notes: The story is getting a bit dark from here. It won't be too graphic, but be careful if you're easily triggered by rape and physical violence.**

 **Thanks again to Sam, my awesome beta.**

* * *

Chapter 2

 ** _14 years earlier_**

 _The first time it happens, it doesn't really happen. It is shortly before she decides to take matters into her own hands and steals a car to make it her home. In fact, it almost happening is the last straw that seals her decision to get out of the system for good._

 _She is sixteen, living with a new foster family. Being a foster child, Jo is used to weird looks, but this time it is different. Her foster father is in her room, obviously drunk. He doesn't simply look at her weirdly, he is coming towards her. He starts a random conversation in an attempt to distract her but Jo is no fool. Her foster mother is not home and she knows what this is about. She's all too familiar with this disgusting look of lust. She evades him as best she can but she can't get away, he's blocking the door. Suddenly he grabs her, drags her to the bed. Jo screams and tries to shake him off, to get away from him, but he is too strong and the scent of scotch and his soap is suffocating her._

 _This can't be happening. Desperately she digs her fingernails into his face, leaving 4 deep gashes. But it only makes him more angry, more determined to get this done. He hits her in the face with his fist so hard that Jo almost loses consciousness. She can feel blood in her mouth from biting her own tongue and tears form in her eyes._

 _Suddenly the door opens and the foster mother looks down on them. She's pulls her husband off of Jo, yelling at him furiously. She tells him to leave, but then she leaves with him and doesn't waste another look on Jo._

 _The next day Jo is gone._

* * *

 **Present Day**

Alex was eating lunch in the cafeteria with Meredith when Maggie stomped towards them and Alex could tell almost immediately that she was upset about something as she dropped her tray opposite of Meredith.

"Here we go again," Alex muttered under his breath. Maggie's hysterical outbursts were not new to him. Sometimes they were amusing, but more often than not they were annoying.

"What is up with this new guy? Lionel Baker, cardio-thoracic surgeon? Is he here to take my job? You're on the board Meredith, just tell me straight away," Maggie demanded, indignant.

Meredith laughed, but then she answered in a calm and reassuring voice. "Maggie, you know he is the new Chief of Surgery candidate. You have nothing to worry about."

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Until I found out that he is a cardiologist too. So what if he doesn't get the Chief position? Will he just leave again, or will you give him my job?"

"And why would we do that?" Meredith asked.

"Well... I don't know... but I'm young and I haven't made a name yet. He has a name."

Alex couldn't help but let out a laugh. "You're being paranoid. I have never even heard of that Lionel Baker guy before."

Maggie shot him a look. "Yeah well, I'm not surprised about that." And Alex sensed there was insult somewhere in there. "But FYI he has 2 Harper Avery Awards and also taught at Harvard Med School for a few years."

"So what? Am I supposed to hate the man now, out of solidarity for you? Besides Baker has a smashed knee, so he's better off as Chief anyways. Too many surgeries would probably exhaust him."

Maggie was annoyed by the lack of sympathy coming from Alex. "If you don't hate him for me, maybe you should hate him for your girlfriend? She doesn't like him either."

That surprised Alex. "Jo? What has Jo got to do with all this? Why should she hate him? I doubt she even knows him."

"I don't know why, but she was just as displeased as me when Hunt introduced him."

Meredith had an idea. "Hey, didn't Wilson go to Harvard Med School? Maybe she does know him. He could have been her professor." Meredith made a dramatic pause and looked at Alex, andwith a teasing smile she added, "What if Jo was THAT student?"

Alex had no idea what she was talking about. "What do you mean with THAT student?"

Maggie laughed as if she knew perfectly well what Meredith was referring to. "She means the girl who sleeps with the professor. Pretty much every class has them."

"You guys are nuts. Jo was not that girl."

Meredith smirked. "Why not? What's so bad about it anyways? Cristina was that girl as well. Remember when Colin Marlow showed up? Cristina was so embarrassed. And that whole rivalry thing between Burke and Marlow? That was fun. Now you might have to face your own Colin Marlow" Happily, she forked a bit of salad into her mouth.

"Shut up," Alex snapped, annoyed with his friend's utterly ridiculous behaviour. "We don't even know if Jo has any connection to him."

Maggie seemed to have forgotten about her own worries as she played along with Meredith's new theory. "But what if she does? And she was just shocked to see him again, because she still has feelings for him? It all makes sense now."

"The guy is old. I got nothing to worry about with him," Alex informed them confidently, taking a bite from his burger.

"But he is still good looking," Maggie countered.

"He has a freaking limp. Half the time he needs to rely on a crutch."

"Yeah, but he has prestige and probably a ton of money. You don't have either," Meredith reminded him.

"You're crazy, both of you. I'm outta here." Alex took his tray and left feeling an uncomfortable itch between his shoulder blades.

Behind him he could still hear Meredith's and Maggie's chuckles following in his wake.

Maybe he needed to start hanging out with Avery more often again. At least he wouldn't give him shit about some old cardio dude who may or may not have known Jo.

* * *

Jo was doing fine. Or at least that's what she told herself about every 30 seconds or so. She spent half her day in surgery with Dr. Shepherd, which was good. Concentrating on the craniotomy forced her to forget about Lionel Baker for a while.

Afterwards she felt calmer. Maybe things weren't as bad as she feared. Maybe Baker being here was nothing more than a coincidence. Maybe he didn't even know she worked here. Maybe he'd even forgotten about her.

But of course, fate was having a cruel laugh at her expense and just as she was gathering stuff from a supply closet, she heard a voice behind her.

"Well, if that isn't my favourite student, Miss Wilson," he greeted, so much false cheer in his voice it made her skin crawl.

Jo winced. She had not heard him coming. For a man with a limp and a crutch he was surprisingly quiet but she wasn't about to let him see how he'd gotten one up on her so she carefully composed herself before she turned around.

"It's Dr. Wilson now," she said, trying to sound confident, despite the sliver of a tremor in her voice.

Baker closed the door behind him and Jo immediately felt overwhelmed by both fear and anger in equal measures.

"Oh right, Dr. Wilson." He smiled slyly, not trying to hide behind a mask of false friendliness anymore. He leaned the crutch against a shelf and slowly walked towards Jo.

"W-What do you want?" she asked.

Suddenly he was in her face. He pushed her against the wall, grabbed her arms and pinned them to the wall. Jo had to suppress an urge to scream, she reminded herself, that he was only doing this to intimidate and frighten her and that she wasn't in any immediate danger.

She could have probably knocked him off balance and gotten away, if she wanted. At the very least she could have screamed for help. There had been so much terrible, violent tragedy in this hospital people would've been there in seconds. But Jo did neither. She needed to hear what Baker had to say. She needed to know why he was here.

"What I want?" he whispered and in the back of her mind she knew it was dramatic to think it sounded like the hiss of a snake, "I want to ruin your life, Josephine Wilson. Just like you ruined mine 4 years ago."

"I didn't do anything you didn't deserve," Jo countered sharply. The last thing she wanted was for him to see her fear.

Baker tightened the grip around her wrists, his face only inches away from hers now. "Oh don't you dare go putting this on me, you crazy little bitch." Then he grinned again. "Do people here even know that you're a psychopathic maniac? No? You're keeping it hidden? I wonder what they'll think of you, once they find out what you're capable of."

Then he let go of her and left.

Jo crumbled to the floor, hands shaking. She took a few deep breaths to calm down but the sick feeling which had taken hold of her entire body wouldn't go away. She was familiar with this kind of fear, although she hadn't felt it in years. It was like her entire body was sending her a warning: _You are not safe_.

As she left the supply room, she saw her hands were still shaking. She shoved them into the pockets of her lab coat to hide it.

* * *

When Alex picked Jo up after work, he had already forgotten about the lunch conversation with his friends. Jo and Lionel Baker? The notion was too ridiculous to even waste a second thought on.

Their drive home was unusualy quiet, Jo was staring out of the window the whole time but Alex suspected she didn't even take notice of things on the other side of the glass. It wasn't until they were home and Alex started fixing dinner, that Jo's quietness started to bother him. He shot her worried looks every now and then but Jo didn't even notice.

What if there was something to Meredith's theory? He didn'believe for a second Jo would leave him for some ancient cardio guy, but what if she had had an affair with him and was unsettled by his arrival? After all she ran off as soon as she had heard his name this morning.

Alex tried a careful step at a conversation while he carried their plates to the table. "So how was work today?"

"What? Oh, work, yeah... It was fine. We got the tumour out, patient will be fine," Jo made an attempt at a smile but it didn't reach her eyes. She seemed to try and compensate it by shoving pasta into her mouth. "How was your day?"

"Good. It was not much of a busy day. Mostly post-op stuff. I think the most exciting thing to happen was the intro of that Baker guy. What did you think about him?"

Jo was alarmed. Why was he asking about Lionel Baker? Did he suspect something?

 _No, of course not,_ she reassured herself as she tried ot force her heartbeat back to a steady rhythm. The hospital hired a new surgeon and people talked about him, it was all perfectly normal. She tried to act nonchalantly and shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. I haven't met him yet," she lied, while busily taking a sip from her soda to avoid Alex's inquiring gaze. "What are your thoughts? Do you like him?"

Alex was silent for a Moment. She could almost feel him studying her and she tried not to squirm under his gaze.

Then he shrugged too and said, "I haven't met him either. I was just wondering if you maybe know him?"

So he did suspect something. Damn it, she shouldn't have stormed off this morning. Since when was her boyfriend so attentive anyways? Where was a Grey/Shepherd marriage crisis when she needed it? At the moment she'd welcomed anything which took Alex's attention away from her.

"Why would I know him?" Jo asked carefully.

Alex shrugged again. "I don't know. It's just that you acted weirdly when they announced the new candidate. You disappeared without a word."

"I wasn't acting weirdly, Alex. I just didn't want to be late for rounds. I happen to take my job seriously." Her tone was rougher than intended.

"Fair enough," Alex raised his hands in an I-give-up gesture, "I figured it probably meant nothing. But then Maggie mentioned that he taught in Harvard for a couple of years, so I thought you storming off was because you were shocked to see your former professor here. Plus Maggie mentioned that she heard you say you didn't like him."

Jo shook her head. "I was just expressing my dislike for Bailey's competetion, that's all. And he wasn't one of my teachers. He was probably there a few years earlier. Why would him being a former teacher of mine even be shocking for me?"

Alex hesitated, but then he sighed and told Jo about Meredith's and Maggie's ridiculous idea of Baker being her ex.

Jo let out a dry laugh. "Are you serious?. The guy is what? 55? 60? I'm not into older guys. Your friends are nuts."

"Well, I can't argue with that," Alex said and smirked.

But then he fell silent. Jo had dispersed the rumours, yet something was still nagging at him, an uncertain feeling that there was more to the whole Baker story then he knew. But he decided to let it go. He didn't want to push his girlfriend and blow this thing out of proportion, when there was probably no reason to be worried anyways. He trusted that if there was, Jo would tell him eventually.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: This is not a happy chapter, but I still want to wish all my readers a very merry Christmas and thank you all for reading my story.**

 **Also thanks again to my beta Sam.**

* * *

Chapter 3

 **14 years earlier**

 _The next time it happens, it hits Jo with all the violence, fear and pain it entails._

 _She's been living in her stolen car for a couple of months already. It's tough, but she doesn't regret her decision. That evening she's carrying some groceries back to the car, when a man appears beside her and threatens her with a knife. He whips the groceries out of her hands and they fall on the street. Then he grabs Jo's arm with his free hand and leads her to his Range Rover, which is parked at a nearby construction site. He opens the back door and pushes her in. She starts screaming and tries to hold him at bay by kicking her feet, but immediately he's above her and covers her mouth with a hand that smells of cigarettes. She fights, tries to get away from him, but she is just a 16 year old girl, trapped in the narrow backseat area of a car and he is a huge and burly man who knows exactly what he is doing._

 _She never had a chance._

 _Afterwards she stumbles back to the school where her car is parked. She desperately craves a shower. She needs to wash this night, this_ man _, off her, so she goes to the old gym building, breaks open a window and sneaks in like she has so many nights before._

 _As she's standing under the hot water, almost certain it's burning her skin but not finding the effort to care, she doesn't only clean her body from past night's experience, she also cleans her mind. She shoves the horror into the very last corner of her brain and decides to never think about it again. She decides this is just another item on a long list of bad things that happened to her, because she had the misfortune of never having had a home or a family. She tells herself it's no big deal. Stuff happens. Others have it worse. She needs to believe it, because she knows it would destroy her otherwise._

* * *

 **Present Day**

The following week went by without any further incidents. Jo tried to avoid Lionel Baker as best as she could, yet she could feel his lurking presence all around the hospital. She knew it was impossible, but it was like he was observing her, gathering more and more information to strike at the right moment, like a bird of prey getting ready for the kill. Jo knew she was becoming overly paranoid, but she couldn't shake the feeling regardless. She kept telling herself this would all be over soon. Bailey would get Chief of Surgery, Baker would just leave and things could go back to normal. ntil then she had to hold on.

Besides avoiding Baker, Jo also tried to stay away from Alex at work. She didn't want to, and she missed hanging out with him during breaks, but she couldn't risk being seen with him too much. Not as long as Baker was still roaming the halls. There was no way she would bring it to his attention that Alex and she were dating. He would use that information against her. Maybe tell Alex things he knew about her and ruin everything like he had threatened to do.

Like having to deal with Baker wasn't enough to make her life miserable, she had to face a new problem by the end of the week.

Her period was late.

At first she had tried to ignore it, blamed it on the emotional stress she was experiencing at the moment. But slowly but surely she had to take into consideration the other possibility for her period being late. She could be pregnant. Alex and her were not so dumb as to not use protection, but unplanned pregnancies happened. Especially in this particular hospital.

A pregnancy was pretty much the last thing she needed right now, nevertheless the possibility wasn't something she could run from forever. She had to find out what was going on with her body sooner rather than later. That's why she decided to take a pregnancy test but now the little stick was packed away in a paper bag in her bag, without her having even looked at it.

She wasn't ready to look at it yet. More importantly, she wasn't ready to become a mother. Not now, maybe never. With Baker in the picture she wasn't sure of anything anymore. What had he called her? A psychopathic maniac? The truth was he might not be that far off with that assessment. There were things she had done which she wasn't proud of, sides to her she still wasn't sure she could let Alex see.

Was Alex ready to be a father? She wasn't sure about that either, but one thing she did know was he would support her, no matter what happened. The thing was, Jo wasn't sure, if she still wanted Alex's unconditional support. Or rather if she still deserved it.

For now Jo pushed all thoughts about the pregnancy test to the back of her mind and went about her day trying to act normal.

She was on her way to the nurses's station to pick up a patient file; a patient file requested by Dr. Lionel Baker, whose resident she was for the day. She didn't want to overthink it. It had to happen sooner or later and she decided to just get it over with and do her best so as to not provide Baker with a target.

As she reached the nurses station two strong arms were suddenly wrapped around her waist. Panic rose inside her. She pulled away and turned around furiously. "Get off me!"

"Hey, relax, it's just me," a familiar voice said.

Alex looked at her, first puzzled then amused. "Who did you expect? Freddy Krueger?"

Jo just shook her head and looked at the floor, feeling both stupid and embarrassed. Alex smiled softly and tried to pull her into a hug, to show her that he wasn't mad. Jo was reluctant. "Not here, Alex."

"Why not? We've had this fancy love contract for quite a while now and besides I don't think that freaking non-fraternisation rule still stands. Nobody gives a damn about it anymore."

Jo nodded and smiled. A smile that didn't reach her eyes, as Alex noted.

"Come here." He put his arms around her and held her tightly. "I'm sorry, I startled you," he whispered. "I just wanted to surprise you. I barely see you anymore. You're always busy with some other attending. I think I need to request you for my service more often just so I can see you during the day."

Jo buried her face in his shoulder and took in his scent, a mix of his aftershave, sanitizer and... just Alex. She missed being close to him, so she closed her eyes and ignored the constant alarm bells in her head just for a moment.

But when she looked up, she saw Baker standing behind them in the hallway. With big, frightened eyes she stared at him, while he flashed his typcial grin at her.

 _He knew._

Alex could feel how she tensed up in his arms. He released her and studied her keenly. "You okay?"

"Yeah, sure. I'm just... I'm busy right now. See you around, okay?"

They parted ways and Alex's worried eyes followed Jo, until she turned a corner. She said she was okay, but he wasn't convinced. Alex hardly praised himself of being the most perceptive boyfriend ever, but he knew something was wrong. Jo avoided him at the hospital and seemed distant and preoccupied at home. It was like she was starting to shut him out of her life which scared the shit out of Alex. It reminded him too much of the way Izzie had become detached and spent less and less time with him, once she started hallucinating Denny. He didn't know if Jo was sick or if it was something else, but something was definitely up and he couldn't ignore it any longer. He had to find out what Jo was hiding from him.

* * *

As expected Baker asked Jo about Alex, the first occasion he got. They were standing in the scrub room, getting ready for surgery.

"So the peds guy is your boyfriend? Alex Karev, right?"

Jo didn't answer.

"Karev," Baker repeated the name. "I've never heard of him. He never published anything, or made any major major contributions to medicine, did he? You're selling yourself short, Josephine," he mocked her.

Jo snorted contemptuously, still focussed on scrubbing her hands. Of course Baker only cared about medical accomplishments. Saving dozens of sick African children meant nothing to him.

Baker continued talking like they were having an actual conversation. "But he is a pedeatric surgeon, which means he is a good guy. Somebody who cares about people. Is that how you got him around? Did he fall for your sad, little orphan Annie story? Did he feel sorry for the neglected, misunderstood street kid, who never had anybody and is looking for looove? That's it, isn't?" He laughed.

Still no reaction from Jo and she could tell Baker was getting impatient.

"Anyways, I was thinking... maybe I'll invite your boyfriend for a beer after work today. Get to know my new collegues a bit, you know."

Finally Jo turned to look at him. "So is this the only reason you came here? To mock me? To ruin the life I built here?"

"Oh please, little Josephine," he gave her a pitying look. "Don't flatter yourself by thinking you're that important to me. I'm here for the job. I've achieved many things in my career, I made a name as one of the country's best cardio-thoracic surgeons. I made important contributions to the history of medicine. I taught at a renowned university. Being Chief of a big hospital, one that is partly owned by the Harper Avery foundation at that, is just the next natural step for me. Getting my chance at revenge with you, that's just an added bonus," he explained with a grin.

Right then Jo had to surpress the urge to just wipe that grin off his face with her fist. If they'd been alone, if they weren't standing in a room with huge windows to an OR filled with nurses she might have actually done it. Instead she just kept vigorously scrubbing her fingers.

She got through the surgery and the rest of the day by the skin of her teeth and when Jo came home that evening, she felt exhaused like never before. She was so tired she felt she could sleep for a week straight. She had had hard days before being a doctor wasn't exactly a stress-free profession, and being a medical resident was even less so. But having to work with Baker was the absolute worst.

He criticiszed and reprimanded her every chance he got. He yelled at her and made her feel generally stupid, like she couldn't do anything right. She tried to remember this had nothing to do with her actual skills as a surgeon that Baker was trying to get under her skin, make her feel bad about herself. But she was already dreading tomorrow, when she was on his service again.

Alex was already home, a fact which improved her mood a little bit, since it meant Baker couldn't have talked him up for that beer. But as soon as Jo saw the concerned look on her boyfriend's face, followed by the words "Can we talk?" her mood dropped again.

She rubbed her face and sighed. She was so goddamn tired. Still she forced a smile and said, "Sure, what's up?"

"Well, that's what I wanted to ask you," Alex said.

"What do you mean?" Jo asked carefully.

"Don't play dumb, Jo. Something is going on with you. You've been so distant and preoccupied lately."

"No, I'm not," Jo lied. "I've just had a couple of rough days. The resident life is a hard one, as you might remember."

Alex nodded, but not like he was agreeing with her completely. "Fair enough. And normally I would accept that excuse-"

"It's not an excuse," Jo interruped angrily.

Alex ignored her objection. "-but not this time. I see you struggling Jo. You don't talk to me, but I can see that something is bothering you lately. But instead of telling me, you're shutting me out completely."

"I'm not shutting you out," Jo protested.

"Oh you're not? So you're not shutting me out like I didn't shut you out when Jimmy turned up? I know what it looks like 'cause I did the same damn thing."

"But I'm not doing anything," she yelled defensively

Alex closed the distance between them, took her hand and squeezed it. His voice was soft when he spoke. "Jo... just talk to me. Please, let me help you."

Jo wished Alex wasn't so understanding and gracious about the whole situation. She wanted him to yell, smash doors and leave the house angrily. Anything would have been better than the pleading look he was giving her.

For a moment she considered telling him everything. About the possible baby, about Lionel Baker and her connection to him. But the baby wasn't even a reality yet and if she told Alex about Baker they'd lose everything they had. They wouldn't be the carefree, happy couple anymore. Non-fraternisation rules, a complicated father/son history, Meredith Grey's intrusive behaviour - they'd had their bumps on the road, but they always managed to overcome them. In the end they were able to talk things through and find their way back to each other. But this time it was different. If she told Alex her whole story, things would never be the same.

She freed herself from Alex's grip by basically tearing her hand away from his. "For the last time Alex, everything is fine. Why don't you go and put your overprotectivness somewhere else? I'm sure Meredith Grey would appreciate it," she advised him in a spiteful tone.

Alex glanced at her with a hint of hurt and anger in his eyes, two emotions which were always very close together in her boyfriend. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, I just…" Jo knew she was being unfair. She shouldn't reproach Alex for having been there for his best friend, when she needed him. And it was a thing of the past anyways. Meredith's husband was back and she had stopped interfering in their relationship for good. But for a while it had made Jo feel like she was only playing second fiddle in Alex's life and the memory still stung a little. Still, it was no excuse to use it to deflect from her current problems.

She sighed and massaged her forehead with her fingers. "I'm sorry, Alex. I'm just… I'm really tired and my head is killing me. I need to go to bed. I promise I'll be fine tomorrow." She gave him a quick kiss on the lips and went upstairs, feeling Alex's concerned eyes on her back.

When Alex crawled into bed next to his girlfriend later that night, Jo was still awake. They didn't talk, but he could tell, that she didn't sleep by the pattern of her breathing. He lay there in the dark beside her, realising that they were miles apart, although only inches seperated his body from hers.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Notes: Sorry this chapter took me so long. I hope you don't think I've lost interest in writing this story, because I have not. But sometimes the path from the brain to the page can be a long one. So thank you to everybody who's still sticking around. People always say the Jolex fandom is small, but they sure are dedicated. So many of you have left reviews to every chapter I've posted so far. Some of you read the chapters in one go and still took the time to write a review for every single one. I can only say every feedback is very much appreciated.  
**

 **For now this is the last chapter with a flashback to Jo's past.**

 **Shout-out to my beta Sam!**

* * *

Chapter 4

 **14 years earlier**

 _The third time it happens it's not her body he is after. He is a junkie who only wants her money. Jo doesn't have much, but what she does have she gives to him without hesitation. When he doesn't believe it's all she has, he starts using his fists as if beating her black and blue will make more money appear. He makes contact with her face, then he hits her in the stomach hard enough she crumbles to the floor. Kicks to her head with his feet were followed by one last kick to her kidneys before he left, fleeing into the darkness._

 _Afterwards she can barely open her right eye so in order to avoid questions she doesn't want to answer she stays away from school until the bruises start to fade._

 _It could have been a terrible day, just another one to add to the pile. And in many ways it is, but it is also the day she decides she is done being the victim. She realises that to survive on her own out on the streets she needs to be smarter, harder, but most of all she needs to be stronger. She swears to herself nobody will ever lay hands on her body again without her permission._

 **Present Day**

Jo didn't sleep much that night. Her thoughts were running wild and no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't stop that stupid brain of hers from ruminating.

Around 4 am she got up to get a glass of water. Her bare feet slapped over the cold floor and down the stairs. As she passed the coat rack she paused, her glance inevitably wandered to her bag, which still held the pregnancy test she purchased earlier. She went over to the rack and fumbled for the paper bag before she sank down on the bottom step, contemplating what to do next. She could just take it out now and end the uncertainty. While part of her still didn't want to face it, there was a bigger part which just wanted to get it over with already. To finally know what she was dealing with.

But the doctor inside her told her she was going about this the wrong way because while pregnancy tests were pretty reliable they weren't fail-safe. There were medical reasons they could display a false positive or a false negative result. Only a blood test could guarantee a completely reliable answer to her question. She could easily do one of those on her own at the hospital. Nobody ever needed to know she'd thought she was pregnant. Or maybe she should consult an OB/GYN instead and have herself thoroughly checked out to make sure the absence of her period didn't have other, more serious, reasons.

For a while Jo kept staring at the paper bag, imagining what she would tell Alex if she truly was pregnant. _Hey Alex, guess what? I'm pregnant. Yeah, we're gonna have a baby. We didn't plan it, but we can do this, right? And while I'm in the middle of spilling things I kept secret from you, did you know that the new cardiac surgeon is a cripple because of me? Oh, and did I ever tell you about my high school senior year prom date Brandon Fletcher? He was sent to hospital with a broken nose that night, also because of me._

She sighed frustrated. This was all too screwed up. _She_ was screwed up. Baby or not, she could never tell him the things she had done. It was too horrible.

She got up, traversed the living room, went into the kitchen and threw the pregnancy test into the trash bin underneath the sink. Her decision was made. She would do the reasonable thing and consult the gynaecologist about her situation. She poured a glass of water, although she was in the mood for booze. But drinking alcohol alone in the kitchen at 4 am in the morning would only be further indication that her life was getting out of control. Besides, if there really was a tiny Karev fetus growing inside her, booze was off limits. So she gulped down the water and went back to bed.

 _Fetus._ Lying in the dark, Jo kept repeating the word in her head but it sounded too clinical. Still, the thought made her smile. For the first time she allowed herself to think about the possibility of a baby as something not completely terrible. This would be the first person who'd be directly related to her by blood. Or at least the first person she knew of.

She wouldn't have admitted it out loud but the idea meant the world to her. Furthermore, she realised she liked the idea of a little human running around which was exclusively a combination of her and Alex. A product of their love, albeit an accidental one. Maybe it would have his chin and her hair, or his nose and her eyes. His crooked half-smile or her heartfelt laughter. She turned to Alex who was still sleeping peacefully beside her, one arm tucked underneath the pillow. Carefully, as not to wake him up, she planted a soft kiss on his cheek. She cherished the little moment of placidity, for she knew with the light of day, her worries would return as well.

* * *

Later that morning at the hospital Jo saw her OB/GYN, Connie Ryan, talking to a nurse at the reception desk. Jo was early, even for the morning rounds but since Alex had an early surgery Jo had decided to drive to the hospital with him, hoping to catch Dr. Ryan pre-rounds to make an appointment with her.

The mood during breakfast and later in the car had been frosty, to say the least. Jo knew Alex wasn't only worried about her now, but also pissed. She couldn't blame him. She sucked at the "pretending everything was fine" game yet she refused to tell him what was actually going on with her so of course her boyfriend was frustrated with the whole situation. Well, if she was pregnant, she'd have to come clean about this particular secret and maybe it would be enough of an explanation for Alex so he'd stop pressing her.

Luckily for Jo, Dr. Ryan was willing to squeeze her into her morning schedule. Even more luckily she'd arranged it so the appointment would fit Jo's morning schedule too, which allowed her to still make it to morning rounds in time. Unluckily for Jo, she could hear Lionel Baker's crutch scraping over the linoleum right after Connie Ryan and she had parted ways. She was pretty sure he had not overheard their conversation, but nevertheless his constant hovering was really getting on her nerves. Baker was like a tick, except his goal was not her blood, but her secrets. But Jo wouldn't accept this anymore, with determined steps she walked over to him.

"You and I, we need to talk." She gestured to an on-call room. "Now!"

"What can I do for you, Josephine?" he asked, a fake smile on his face.

"First of all, it's Dr. Wilson here," she said, stern look in her eyes, as she closed the door behind them.

"Alright... what else?"

"Secondly, you're gonna stop terrorizing me, or I'll report you."

"Report me? You are aware I'm gonna blow your dirty, little secret if you do that, aren't you?"

Raising his crutch he clarified, "You are the reason I'm stuck with this thing for the rest of my life, like an old man. And now's the time to make you pay for it."

He fixed her with a hard gaze, but Jo didn't blink, didn't let him intimidate her this time.

"Stop playing the victim, for God's sake!" she hissed. "You know what you tried to do that day. I was only defending myself."

"And you think your superiors and the hospital board will see it the same way?" he asked. "Will your boyfriend? Especially if he finds out it happened more than once?"

Jo's eyes widened in shock. How could he know about the others?

Baker, guessing her unspoken question, sneered. "You're wondering how I know that? It wasn't difficult to find out, just a little research, talking with the right people. Both of your former victims were rather talkative when asked about what you did to them."

"People here know what happened between Jason and me," Jo interrupted defensively.

Baker was undeterred. "Yeah, I figured as much, since he used to work here. But my question is, do you think people will still sympathize with you and your sad story once they find out how many people you've hurt? That several men ended up in a hospital because of your uncontrolled outburts of violence?"

Trying to stay calm Jo took a few breaths. She couldn't believe how Baker was twisting the facts. Jo had done a few things in her life of which she wasn't proud of, there were some things she was downright ashamed of, but she had never hurt anyone in a blind rage. She had acted in self-defense. What happened, happened because she had felt threatened. That was all.

Or was it?

Jo shook her head vigorously. No, she wouldn't let Baker mess with her head. She was not some crazy rage machine.

"Fine, tell them what I did. But then it's not only my head which will roll, but yours too."

The older surgeon acknowledged her argument with a superior smile. "I doubt it. I have a spotless reputation, and you and I both know I barely touched you. As far as the board will be concerned I was just a very caring professor who wanted to show some support for his student and you misunderstood the situation and snapped."

Jo clenched her fists and glared at him. "That's not gonna stand!"

"Oh, I think it will. Given your history of violence, I'm pretty sure people will doubt your credibility. I find it questionable they kept you around after the Jason Meyers incident in the first place, but when they hear what you did to me and Brandon Fletcher, you're done for."

Her heart sank and tears started to form behind her eyes. Jo felt defeated and helpless. How was she going to get out of this mess?

She tried to find out what Baker's ultimate goal was. "What exactly is it you want from me? You could have reported me to the board a week ago, but you kept silent. Do you want to blackmail me? Do you want money? Is that it?"

Baker gave he a pitying look. "Oh please. I have more than enough money. I didn't report you yet because it's so much fun to watch you flinch whenever you see me coming round the corner. It's fun to boss you around in the OR. In fact it's so much fun, I might keep this game up a little bit longer. You will never know when the moment comes, which will end life as you know it."

He turned to leave, but she couldn't let him go without one last desperate attempt to change his mind.

"Don't you think your story will lose credibility the longer you wait? Maybe you don't plan to tell anything to anyone at all, because you want to avoid raising an uncomfortable matter? Maybe you're aware your story stands on shaky ground."

Baker shrugged insouciantly and opened the door a little, ready to leave. "Maybe you're right. But you'll never know either way. And as for my credibility, I'm just gonna say I didn't want to ruin your life after all those years. But then you attacked me a second time, which ultimately forced me to report the deranged resident."

Then he was out of the door and Jo was alone.

"Damnit, damnit, damnit!" Frustrated she banged her clenched fists against the framework of the top bunk. A muffled sob escaped her throat, her eyes were burning as she tried to hold back tears.

No, this was not the time to fall apart and cry. She had a busy day ahead of herself. The appointment with Dr. Ryan. Rounds. And then she'd be Lionel Baker's OR monkey for the rest of the day.

* * *

It was the same evening, after her shift had ended, when Jo returned to Dr. Ryan's office to get the results for her blood test. Dr. Ryan had examined her thoroughly in the morning, so Jo knew that at least she wasn't sick. It was a relief to hear her body was perfectly healthy, but it also meant the probability she was pregnant had increased, since she could now rule out every other medical reason for her period being absent. Evaluating a blood test took some time, which is why the gynaecologist had advised Jo to come back after she was done with work.

"So... I'm not quite sure if it's good news or bad news, but you are definitely not pregnant, Dr. Wilson," Dr. Ryan told her, getting straight to the point.

Jo exhaled audibly. Despite her overly romantic morning thoughts, she was incredibly relieved. It was not the right time for a baby.

"Okay, but what is it then? Why is my period late?"

Dr Ryan shook her head slightly. "Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it too much anymore. I'm sure you know that sometimes menstruations can be a little irregular which is what I think is the case here. Sometimes a woman's body is a mystery. Sometimes psychological factors come into play. You know, like when you get sick, when you're particularly stressed out or sad. The mind has quite a bit of influence on the body."

Dr. Ryan studied Jo for a moment with her thoughtful brown eyes. "It's none of my business and I won't ask you, but if this applies to you, if you're stressed out or struggling with something which gives you enough grief it's affecting your cycle you should talk to somebody, seek help."

 _Oh no, why should I be stressed?_ Jo thought bitterly. _Because my ex-professor threatens to unveil all the horrible things I've done in the past? Because it could make me lose the man I love? he job I love? Nothing I can't deal with, so don't you worry, Dr. Ryan._

Of course she didn't say any of this out loud, instead she nodded slightly and forced a smile. "Thank you Dr. Ryan, but I'm fine, really. I may be a little stressed out lately, but such is the life of a surgical resident, right? There's really no reason to worry. And now that I know I'm neither sick nor pregnant, I'm sure everything will be fine."

She said goodbye and left the gynaecologist's office quick enough she almost pumped into Alex.

What the hell was he doing in front of the OB/GYN office?

"Are you spying me now?" she asked irritated, while she rushed past him.

"Of course not," Alex replied indignantly. "I was just looking for you. Remember we came here together this morning? I wanted to check if you were done for the day so we could go home together too. Nurse Tyler told me he saw you entering Dr. Ryan's office, so I decided to wait here for you."

Jo still didn't stop. She was angry at him. Angry for no good reason, she knew that. But she also knew that he'd want to know what she was doing in Dr. Ryan's office. And then he'd start his _What is going on with you?_ routine again. She just couldn't deal with his inquiries right now. Not after the shitty day she'd had. She headed for the exit, while Alex ended up almost running after her.

"Jo, wait!" he yelled, but Jo kept going.

"Hey!" He finally reached for her and made her turn around by grabbing her arm.

"What?" Jo glared at him, shaking his arm off angrily.

"Jesus, Jo! What the hell is going on with you lately? Did I do something wrong? If so, then please tell me how to fix it, because things can't go on like this."

Jo pressed her hands against her forehead in frustration as she tried to calm down. She needed to stop acting like a hysterical bitch. It wasn't fair to Alex.

"It's nothing. You didn't do anything wrong. I just had a rough day. I'm sorry."

Alex clearly wasn't convinced. "That's the same thing you said yesterday, but I can see something is going on with you. Why can't you tell me, Jo?" His voice was urgent.

 _Because you'd never see me the same way again. Because you'd hate me. Because I'd lose you._

Jo pointed her head in the direction of the parking lot. "Can't we just go home, please?" she pleaded.

Alex didn't move. "Jo, what were you doing in Dr. Ryan's office? Are you sick? Is that it? Because I-"

"No, I'm not sick," she interrupted him quickly. God, he was so worried. She hated being the cause of his worries.

Alex waited for more, but Jo remained silent. "Are you... are you pregnant?"

She shook her head. "No, I'm not pregnant either."

"Then what is it?"

Looking into his eyes, full of concern and anxiety, Jo suddenly knew what she had to do. Alex would never stop asking, he'd never stop worrying. But she couldn't drag him into the mess her life was turning in to. She couldn't drag him into the mess she was turning in to. She couldn't do that to him and she saw the solution bright and clear now. In her head she'd known it would come down to this eventually, it was her heart which had refused to accept it. Until now. She knew there was no way out of it. It terrified her, but was inevitable all the same.

"No, I'm not pregnant," she repeated, "but for the last few days I thought I was and it made me realise something… I'm not in this... in this relationship the way you are and that's why... Alex I wanna break up."

"What?" Alex's face displayed neither anger nor hurt, just disbelief. Like the words coming out her mouth didn't make the slightest bit of sense to him. Like he knew they couldn't be true.

Already Jo was full of self-loathing because of what she was about to do to him. Still she had to finish this, drive the knife deeper into the wound, no matter how much it hurt both of them.

She took a breath against the pain that was spreading inside her chest and clenched her fingers to keep them from trembling, before she continued. "I was at Dr. Ryan's office today for a blood test and when she told me I was not pregnant I was so relieved. So incredibly relieved, because… because I don't want a baby. Not now and... not with you. You mean a lot to me Alex, but I just don't love you. Not the way I should love you. Not the way that you love me. I'm sorry."

In the blink of an eye Jo could see how his whole world crumbled. The vulnerability in his eyes broke her heart. But that's all he granted her. One blink-and-you'll-miss-it look that revealed just how much her cruel words had hurt him. The next moment his eyes were guarded again, a mask of anger.

"Get your stuff out of my house. I don't want to see you there anymore," was all he said, before he turned his back on her and left.

Jo managed to hold it together until Alex was out of sight, then she collapsed on one of the benches and started crying. A never-ending stream of tears ran down her cheeks as she doubled over and wrapped her arms around her torso like it was her body she had to keep from breaking apart and not just her heart.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Notes: Be warned, this chapter contains 2 things Jolex fans are usually not very happy with (and understandably so): time jumps and interactions between Meredith and Alex. But I'm trying to stay true to my original idea of the story and ignore unpleasant show developments. I hope it's not too bad.**

 **Thanks again to Sam, my beta reader.**

Chapter 5

Jo missed Alex with every fibre of her being and it was never harder than when she was at the hospital. Simple encounters, like seeing him in the hallways or in the cafeteria were like a stab in her heart. Sometimes her chest felt so tight she had trouble breathing.

She wanted nothing more than talk to him, although she knew nothing she could say could possibly fix the damage she'd done. He refused to even look at her, probably because he knew she would be able to see past his rough exterior, see the pain he hid behind a tensed jaw and narrowed eyes.

At least she wasn't constantly wanting to burst into tears anymore which allowed her to appear normal to the outside world. Maybe her face was a little too gloomy, but all in all she managed to pretend things were alright. Or maybe people could tell it was all an act, that inside she was hollow and empty? Well, empty except for the relentless all-encompassing pain of having not only lost, but broken the heart of the one person she loved more than any one else in the entire world.

Suddenly she was glad Alex looked the other way whenever their paths crossed in the hospital. Otherwise he might have noticed she was only pretending, just like he was.

* * *

Three days after the break-up Meredith dropped by Alex's house late at night. Alex opened the door to see her standing there with a bottle of tequila in one hand and a bakery bag in the other.

"I thought you might need some company," she informed him with a smile.

Alex didn't invite her in, instead he just turned on his heels and went back to the living room. Sinking back into the couch, he muted the TV where some kind of cheap reality show had been playing.

 _Well, at least he didn't shut the door in my face,_ Meredith mused as she followed him into the living room.

"Hey, you started without me?" she asked reproachfully when she noticed the empty bottles of beer on the coffee table and suddenly she wondered if bringing tequila maybe wasn't the best idea.

If he had already been drinking, adding even more alcohol wasn't the right sort of help for her friend during his nasty heart-break.

On the other hand he was probably going to continue drinking anyway so she might as well drink with him, because getting drunk with a friend was better than drinking alone.

She grabbed two glasses from the kitchen, went back to the living room, sat down on the couch next to Alex and poured them both a shot.

"So what are we drinking to?" she asked.

Alex ignored her and gulped down the drink.

"What's in there?" He gestured to the paper bag Meredith had dropped on the coffee table.

"Doughnuts," Meredith explained. "You know, as a healthy alternative to the tequila."

Alex scrunched up his face. "Doughnuts aren't really a healthy alternative to anything. Please tell me it's Shepherd who feeds your kids."

Meredith punched him in the shoulder. "Shut up!"

There was an awkward pause, which Meredith used to study her friend thoroughly. His tight lips, tense shoulders and the pained look in his eyes told her that he wasn't ready to talk yet, but she tried all the same. "You don't want to tell me what happened, do you?"

"No," replied Alex curtly, pouring another shot.

"Hey," Meredith protested, "Slow down a little, would you? I can't keep up."

Quickly she emptied her glass as Alex reached for the paper bag. After a quick peak inside he threw it towards Meredith. "You can eat those yourself. Or better yet, toss 'em."

Meredith was puzzled because she'd never seen him turn down doughnuts in the past. "Since when do you hate doughnuts? These are powdered sugar! I thought you liked those?"

"Not anymore." He filled his glass once more and threw back another shot.

Meredith raised her eyebrows as the penny dropped. "I assume it's a Jo thing?"

"Yup, it's a freaking Jo thing." He let it go at that.

"Okay, then let's burn these damn doughnuts." Meredith's voice was full of enthusiasm she hoped sounded sincere. "Let's burn Jo memories. What else have we got?"

"How about you burn this entire freaking couch we are sitting on?"

"The couch?" Meredith asked as she looked down at the white fabric. "What has the poor couch to do with anything?"

"She bought it."

Meredith looked at him with genuine compassion. "Sorry."

But of course they didn't burn anything. They just sat in silence. Meredith contemplated giving her friend a hug but in the end she just moved closer and lay her head on his shoulder.

"This is depressing," Meredith remarked after a while.

"Then why don't you go back to your husband and your kids and your perfect little life?" Alex suggested, exasperated.

Meredith raised her head and furrowed. "Hey, don't take your anger out on me. I'm here to support you."

"I don't need your support. This is all your fault anyways," Alex snapped.

"How is it my fault your girlfriend dumped you?" Meredith asked, trying not to be offended, because her friend was miserable and also drunk.

"Because you practically hogged me when your husband was in D.C. You invaded our bedroom, you invaded our bathroom. You invaded our privacy. That's probably what chased her away. You chased her away."

Meredith refrained from reminding Alex all this had happened months ago and just went along with his accusations. "Fine! It's my fault. Let's drink to that."

She poured tequila into both their glasses. "Let's drink to this bitch Meredith Grey who ruined your relationship." She bumped her glass against his.

Another round was poured and then another. Meredith noticed that Alex was starting to look tired. His eyes glazed over and Meredith suspected tequila and tiredness were not the only reason for that.

"Did you know she never said I love you?" he suddenly asked.

His eyes were locked on the now black TV screen, which was why Meredith wasn't sure if he was talking to her or just to himself.

She answered him anyway. "No, I didn't know that. That's... weird."

"See, it wasn't weird, not really," he pondered, his voice a drunken babble now. "She didn't say it, but I knew. Because she showed me. She was always there for me, no matter what. And she never put it into words, but I still knew. Thought I knew... Guess I was wrong."

Meredith didn't know what to say but it didn't seem to matter because drunken Alex had finally let his guard down and just continued talking.

"We were together almost two years and she never really loved me. Can you believe that? Isn't that hilarious? Isn't that the funniest crap you've ever heard?" Alex let out a cynical laugh.

Meredith cringed a little. It was an unusual and embarrassing amount of self-pity coming from Alex. She'd never seen him like this, not even when Izzie had left him. Meredith felt deeply sorry for her friend and seeing him so broken hurt her, but she knew sometimes you had to hit rock-bottom before you could move on.

"Well, if it's any consolation, I do love you," she reassured him, patting his shoulder.

"Good," he pointed a finger in her general direction. "Good. That's good. You should love me. You're my sister."

"I'm not your sister," she reminded him patiently.

"Riiight. You're not my sister, you're my friend. I have a sister. A real sister. Who hates me too, by the way."

He leaned forward to reach for the tequila bottle, but instead of his fingers closing around it, he knocked it over. "Damn it."

Meredith sighed. "Alright, I think you've had enough."

She gently pulled him back and made him lie down. There wasn't much resistance coming from her friend, at least not physically.

"I don't need a damn babysitter, you know?" he mumbled.

"I know, I know." She left the couch to her friend and sat down on the chair beside it. "I'm just gonna sit here and wait till Robbins comes home."

"Sounds a lot like babysitting to me."

"Shhh, just sleep!"

As Alex finally closed his eyes the withheld tears escaped the corners of his eyes. They ran across his nose and fell onto the couch pillow his head was resting on.

With a barely articulated question on his lips he fell asleep. Meredith had a hard time understanding but it sounded like "Why doesn't she love me?"

* * *

Jo looked out the window of Stephanie's kitchen, whose appartment she had moved back into after her break-up with Alex. It was an overcast day, not exactly suitable for what she had planned for her day off, but at least it wasn't raining and the gloomy grey of the sky suited her mood pretty well.

Ever since she had broken up with Alex, she had trouble falling asleep and once she managed to she found it difficult to sleep through the night. Which is why she was up at 6:30 in the morning on her day off. She figured if she couldn't sleep, she might as well go out for a jog to clear her mind. She had to do something, _anything_ , because lying in bed and going over how screwed up her life had become wouldn't fix anything.

Her fingers traced over the cover of the book which lay on the window sill. It was Vonnegut's _Slaugtherhouse-Five,_ which Jo found slightly odd. She had known Stephanie for a while now, but hadn't picked her for a Vonnegut fan, then again there were probably lots of things she didn't know about her fellow resident. Jo was grateful Stephanie had taken her in immediately after she had broken up with Alex and since they'd lived together before it was an easy adjustment to be roommates again, but while Stephanie was her best friend Jo was well aware they were not as close as other best friends. Stephanie wasn't exactly talkative when it came to her life pre-Grey-Sloan which, Jo told herself, was fine, considering Stephanie didn't know a whole lot about Jo's past either.

Of course she had shared the basics, having been in foster care and having lived in her car, but there were some things Jo had always kept close to the vest which now included the exact reasons why she had broken up with Alex. Jo had kept it vague and said it just didn't work anymore, when Stephanie had probed. The story was too big and complicated to tell.

Her best friend was understanding, didn't push for the details, but Jo could tell Stephanie was more than a little confused about the whole situation.

Taking her own reticence into account, Jo couldn't hold it against her friend that she wasn't completely open about every part of her own life either. And at the end of the day they always had each other's back which was all that really mattered.

As Jo bent down to tie the shoe laces of her trainers, Stephanie entered the kitchen. She poured herself a cup of coffee and it was only after taking a few sips she seemed awake enough to notice Jo by the window. "You're up already? On your day off? What's gotten into you?"

"I'm going for a morning run, that's all."

Stephanie raised her eyebrows, clearly not convinced. "In this weather? It's probably gonna rain any minute."

Jo shrugged and looked out of the window again. "It's not raining now, so I think I'll take the chance. By the way, have you seen my ipod somewhere? I've looked everywhere, but couldn't find it."

"No, sorry," Stephanie shook her head. "I haven't seen it either."

Jo groaned. "Shit, I must have left it at Alex's."

"You probably did," Stephanie conceded, giving her friend a sympathetic look.

"I so don't want to go back there to get it," Jo sighed.

"Do you want me to get it for you?" Stephanie offered.

Jo smiled, genuinely grateful. "No, don't bother. I'll drop by sometime, it's not that big of a deal."

Which was a total lie, but sooner or later she had to face him. They worked in the same hospital after all, they couldn't avoid each other forever.

Stephanie peered at her friend incredulously, but before she could say anything Jo muttered a goodbye and was out of the door.

Her jogging path led Jo to the docks. She figured watching the ferries come and go might have a soothing effect on her frantic mind and stop it from thinking, just for a little while, about all the things she couldn't change.

As soon as she sat down on a bench to catch her breath it started drizzling, but Jo stayed put. She didn't have an umbrella with her, but as long as it wasn't pouring she didn't mind a little rain.

However, it turned out watching the ferries and the dock workers in their daily routine of loading and unloading ships did not have the desired effect on Jo's mind since her thoughts still circled around and around always coming back to Alex.

Had she made the right decision? Not for herself, but for him?

She had heard stories about his life before her. Some things he had told her himself, some things she had heard from gossiping nurses and orderlies. That's how she found out he got shot by a crazy gunman in his 3rd year of residency. And about the woman he had saved after a ferry boat crash years ago. The woman had suffered from memory loss and Alex had taken care of her. Like he'd taken care of his sick wife. Like he had taken care of his family, when he was still a kid himself. Because that's who he was. He took care of people. It was something that ran like a common thread through his life.

Sitting there on the bench at the docks, not even noticing that the drizzling rain had intensified, Jo had a sudden realisation. She hadn't driven Alex away, because she was afraid he'd leave if he knew about her past. The real reason was that she was afraid he'd stay.

If Jo hadn't broken up, he never would have left, because it's not who he is. He took care of the people he loved, no matter how much it hurt himself. With all her baggage, Jo would have only become one more person on a long list of people Alex had to take care of. She couldn't let that happen, burdening him with her story - and herself - was out of the question.

It was not like Jo had any grand illusions about her boyfr... ex-boyfriend. Alex was far from perfect and Jo was well aware of his flaws, he could act like an idiot, he could be irritating and frustrating, and sometimes he could be a real pain in the ass.

But Alex was also the one person in whose presence she felt completely and utterly safe and protected. _Safe_ was a new sentiment for Jo altogether, a feeling she hadn't known until she met Alex.

She'd always had to fend for herself because the people who were supposed to be there for her and protect her, like her mother and countless foster families, ultimately always came to the conclusion she wasn't worth the effort. But Alex was different. He had stuck by her through everything, even after what had happened with Jason. It was one of the reasons she loved him so much.

And while she hated herself for causing the man she loved so much pain she also knew, deep down, she had made the right decision.

A loud honk from a descending ferry made her snap out of her thoughts and back to reality. Jo shook her head to clear her mind. Only now did she become aware of the thick rain drops which had already soaked her clothes.

Embarrassed, because she was sure she had to look like a crazy person, sitting on a dock bench in the middle of the rain all by herself, she got up. How could she not have noticed a freaking downpour?

Get a grip, Jo! she berated herself. She couldn't turn into one of those mushy, heart-broken women who couldn't properly function without a man. Sure, it had only been a couple of days, but what she was doing was some next-level self-destructive behaviour. She had to stop tormenting herself about what she had lost, that's not who she was. She had lost a lot in her life, but she'd always found a way to move on and look forward. After all, she still had her career and that's what had always been the most important thing in her life.

Vowing to herself to stop behaving like a hopeless Nicholas Sparks heroine, she ran back to Stephanie's apartment as fast as she could.

* * *

It was a pretty big surprise for Alex to find a slender figure leaning against the doorframe of the living room, when he returned home from work a few days later. Although the woman had her back turned to him he knew immediately it was Jo.

As soon as she heard him enter, she turned around, looking like she'd been caught doing something she wasn't supposed. Alex was pretty sure she had been staring at the couch.

Jo looked like she wanted to say something, but she ended up just staring at him, mouth slightly agape.

For a moment he stared back at her, equally out of words. His gaze remained on her eyes for a moment. They looked at him with her "I'm sorry" expression, which seemed to be her default whenever she caught his eye these days. The air was filled by her wild flower scent, her hair falling over her shoulder in the familiar side braid she often wore. Yes, she was still the same Jo, only she wasn't _his_ Jo anymore.

Alex gestured towards the couch, "You here to take it with you?" he asked, his voice aloof but not angry.

"No, no, no. Of course not. I would never do that. The couch was for you. It's yours," Jo assured him, her words tumbling over each other in her rush to get them out.

"I thought so were you," Alex couldn't suppress that one bitter remark.

Jo chose to ignore it.

"I was looking for my ipod actually," she explained, opening her right hand to reveal the musical device.

Alex nodded slowly his gaze fixed on her. He almost had to laugh about the absurdity of the situation. There she was, right in front of him. He only had to make 2 steps and he could take her hands, or hug her, kiss her. God knew there was nothing he'd rather do right now.

But none of those thing were an option anymore. How was that possible? How did they end up here? So far away from each other - despite their physical proximity - they didn't even know what to say to one another anymore.

"Well, you got what you came for, so you better go now." With furrowed brows Alex opened the door, making sure Jo understood that she wasn't welcome here anymore.

Jo did as told, but in the doorway she turned around once more.

"Alex, I'm..." she interrupted herself by biting her lip. There was no doubt in his mind what she'd been about to say. _I'm sorry._ Maybe she'd realized how insufficient and empty those two words were. How they weren't enough. _Hell,_ Alex thought bitterly, _all the I'm sorry's in the world could never be enough._

So instead of an apology she whispered a goodbye even as Alex closed the door behind him.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

 _And I can't fall asleep_  
 _Without a little help_  
 _It takes a while to settle down_  
 _My shivered bones_  
 _Wait till the panic's out_

 **-Terrible Love by Birdy**

* * *

Four weeks after the break-up Jo still had trouble falling asleep at night. It wasn't just because of the gapping hole Alex had left in her life. What kept her awake at night went deeper than a broken heart, Jo found herself tormented by memories she'd long since forgotten. Or pretended to have forgotten. Suppressing painful experiences to the point where Jo herself thought they never happened was a skill she had acquired early in her childhood and honed over time.

For Jo denial became a survival strategy as much as a defence mechanism. She learned to draw a line between the things she was able to bear and the things she was not. The latter she locked away in the deepest and darkest corner of her brain, determined to never let it out.

Jo had set herself a goal, she wanted to study medicine and become a surgeon so she'd poured everything into reaching that goal and thus it wasn't even difficult to forget about the sadness and anger lurking somewhere in the back of her head. And it worked.

For years Jo kept herself so busy she didn't have time to be distracted by her demons. First there had been her education, which needed all her attention and then there were the jobs she'd had to work in order to afford said education but in the back of her mind she'd always known there would come a day when the levy would break.

That day, it seemed, had come because lately her defence mechanism seemed permanently broken. When she lay in bed at night, the apartment calm and dark, pictures flashed in front of her eyes. Pictures of a frightened girl cornered by a man in a dark alley. Pictures of a crying girl trapped in a grey Range Rover. Pictures of a girl in a prom dress ramming her fists into the face of her date. Pictures of a girl looming over a man squirming with pain. One girl was a victim. The other girl was an offender. Jo was both those girls, although she'd never wanted to be either.

She wondered how she appeared to other people. She'd never wanted them to reduce her to her foster child and street kid past so she rarely told anybody. She also made it a point to hide how damaged she truly was because she didn't want anyone's pity and more importantly, she didn't want people to notice how dark her soul could be. Sometimes it slipped, the mask she wore, but most of the time she managed to be who she wanted to be: an ambitious and optimistic young woman who was occasionally sarcastic and cheeky, but mostly sweet-tempered and light-hearted.

Although as of late she was wondering if any of those attributes truly applied to her. Maybe the Jo who was able to laugh, be light-hearted, and likable was just a persona she'd created so she wouldn't have to face her inner demons?

"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" she ordered herself, the words reverberating in the quiet room. The palms of her hands slapped against her head in an unsuccessful attempt to silence her relentless brain. What was happening to her? Why couldn't she let this go? Put it to rest and move forward like she'd always done?

The pressure in her head made her feel like it might explode any minute so Jo jolted up, got out of bed and started wandering around the room in the dark. She took a few deep breaths and ran her hands through her short and wavy hair. Remembering her foolish belief a new haircut would make it easier for her to move on, she snorted at herself.

Maybe she should make a real cut? Leave Seattle and transfer to a different program? It had always been easy for her to start over, since she'd never been tied down to any place or people. She hated not having a family, but at least she had always been free to go wherever she wanted. She went to college in New Jersey and med school in Massachusetts. Now she was doing her residency in Washington, on the other side of the country.

But maybe it was time to move on? Right now she couldn't think of much which militated against the idea. If she stayed, Baker would continue to make her life difficult, in addition she'd have to endure being around Alex knowing she couldn't be _with_ him. In a way both men were painful reminders of Jo's past. Baker brought back all the memories Jo was desperate to forget and Alex constantly reminded her of a love she still held on to, but was meant to let go.

Eventually Jo stopped pacing and went back to bed. Her decision wasn't made, but thinking about leaving had made her feel somewhat calmer. At least she saw a way out of her misery. Forcing her eyes shut, the young woman waited for the voices in her head to stop screaming so she could finally sleep.

* * *

A few days later, after work, Alex was on his way to Joe's. He hadn't been there in weeks, but Meredith had invited him to have a drink with her and the others and he figured a little socialising wouldn't hurt.

As he opened the door to the bar he was welcomed by the usual bar noises. Loud music, chatter and laughter while glasses and bottles were bumped against each other on the tables. Some nurses were engaged in a thrilling game of darts. Seeing him enter, Natalie Vasquez, one of the nurses, winked at him. Alex acknowledged it with a smirk.

Meredith sat at a table in the corner with Derek and Callie. She was laughing and obviously having a good time. Alex was glad his friend was happy again, he truly was, but suddenly he didn't feel like going over there anymore. He felt like he'd ruin the mood if he joined them.

How had Meredith phrased it during their talk on the hospital floor on Thanksgiving all those years ago? That she felt like one of those people who's so freaking miserable they can't be around normal people. Like she'd infect the happy people, like she was some miserable, diseased, dirty ex-mistress. That was pretty much how he felt right then. Only that he was a miserable, diseased, dirty ex-evil spawn… or something.

Alex turned to go when some commotion at the counter caught his attention. A man, who Alex recognised as the latest addition to Grey+Sloan's surgical staff, Lionel Baker, tried to wrap his arms around the waist of the young woman sitting beside him. The woman was clearly not comfortable with that sort of bodily contact forced on her.

"I said leave me the hell alone!" She violently shoved him away, a motion which made the older man knock over his crutch which had been leaning against the counter next to him.

The woman got up and rushed past Alex and only then did he realise it was Liz Tanner, one of Grey+Sloan's interns.

Alex stared at Baker in a mix of surprise and suspicion. Baker, who noticed his gaze greeted him with a quick nod and then he rolled his eyes as if to say "You know... women."

Alex went over to him to find out what was going on and knowing from past experience you caught more flies with sugar he didn't start with yelling, instead Alex picked up the crutch, before he sat down beside the older surgeon.

"What was that about?" he asked, wrinkling his forehead.

Baker made a dismissive hand gesture. "Oh nothing really. Just a little flirt gone bad. You know how it is with those interns. Some succumb to the charm of a more experienced surgeon, some don't. Maybe I should try nurses instead. They are supposed to be easy, right?" he mused while he took a sip from his drink.

"Sadly I always feel drawn to women who are a little harder to get. The chase is just too much fun. I like it when they put up a little fight first. Definitely know where the limit is, though" he quickly added and Alex figured Baker must have seen his disapproving look.

Alex felt uncomfortable with the conversation. He didn't like how Baker spoke about women, like they were some kind of prey. But what could he say? Did he have the right to call out another surgeon for sleeping around the hospital when he had done the same for years? He'd be a total hypocrite.

But then he remembered something he actually could say.

"You know, we have a policy against that at the hospital? Attendings hooking up with interns? In fact, any sexual relations between co-workers are forbidden unless they're married."

Baker took another sip and cackled. "Yeah, but isn't that a pretty laughable policy? Hunt informed me about it the day I arrived. Two days later I walked in on him and Amelia Shepherd kissing in an on-call room."

Alex didn't know what to say to that. But suddenly he became aware of how dangerous it was, when the very people who set the rules didn't abide by them. Nobody would take them seriously anymore and they proved ineffective in protecting anybody.

"Besides," Baker added, "we're not at the hospital right now, so what do I care about hospital rules when I'm sitting in a bar? And aren't you dating a co-worker too? One of the residents?"

"Yeah, but we're not together anymore. It just... didn't work out." Alex said flatly.

"Yeah, sometimes it just ends that way. It was the same with my wife. One day we were happily married, the next day she informed me it just wasn't working anymore and packed her suitcases. Then again maybe she dumped me because she found out about me cheating on her with some of my students in Harvard," he added guffawing.

Alex suspected Baker was fairly wasted already or otherwise he probably wouldn't be casually telling him, a stranger, about his adultery. Either way, Alex was definitely ready to change the subject.

He noticed that Baker had subconsciously started to rub his damaged leg. Over the course of the past few weeks guessing what had happened to Baker's knee had turned into a little game among the hospital staff. People came up with the most ludicrous theories, although, out of fear to appear rude or inconsiderate, nobody had had the guts to ask him about it directly thus far.

Even Alex approached the subject carefully, when he decided this was a pretty good occasion to end the mystery. "Do you mind me asking, what happened to your leg?"

"Oh, this? I guess I've made quite a secret out of it, haven't I?" Baker tried to cover up his obvious discomfort with the question with a laugh. "It happened four years ago. A... uhm... a burglar broke into my house in New England and when I caught him, he... well, it got ugly. I don't want to share the gory details here." He laughed again.

While Alex was still wondering how a burglar - or anybody really - could hurt a man's knee in a way it was permanently damaged, Baker seemed suddenly in a hurry to leave the bar. He fumbled for his wallet, left some bills on the counter and said goodbye to Alex, mumbling something about an early surgery the next day. Alex looked after him with a confused frown.

Joe came over to collect the bills and take Alex's order. "Hey Alex, long time no see. Where have you been? Cheating on me with a different bar?"

Alex gave him a lopsided grin. "Good to see you, too. And actually you got that right. I've been trying out some new bars lately."

Joe crossed his arms and scrunched up his nose, obviously not happy about the news. But then it dawned on him and his face became serious again, sympathetic even. "It's because of the other Jo, right?" Joe had always found it wildly entertaining Alex's had fallen in love with a girl who shared his name. It had become a habit of his to refer to her as "the other Jo", which Jo used to acknowledge with an annoyed eye-roll.

Alex nodded. "I didn't want to run into her here, too. Having to see her at the hospital is bad enough. But it looks like she had a few days off, so I figured it was okay to drop by again."

"Well, actually the other Jo hasn't been here in weeks either. For the same reason, I suppose. I'm surprised you never run into each other on your quest to avoid each other."

Again, Alex was more than ready to change the subject. "Didn't you want to take my order? I'm in the mood for some bourbon, double bourbon actually."

Joe went to prepare the drink, while Alex's attention got caught by the shouting and cheering nurses surrounding the dart board. The game had just ended and the group dispersed. Some left the bar, others sat down at the tables. Natalie Vasquez, who had noticed Alex's observing gaze, came over to the counter and plunked down on the stool beside Alex.

"Dr. Karev! Hi! It's nice to see you here," she greeted him enthusiastically, a charming smile on her lips.

"Hi, nurse Natalie!"

"Oh, just call me Natalie, please! After all we're not at the hospital."

"Okay, then I'm not Dr. Karev either." He offered her his hand, "I'm Alex." She took his hand and held it a little too long, all the while still fixing the surgeon's eyes with hers. Alex laughed quietly at the slightly awkward situation, but didn't take away his hand or avert his eyes.

"So I was wondering... can I challenge you to a game of darts?" Natalie asked, when she finally let go of Alex' hand.

Alex crinkled his nose. "No sorry, not today."

Natalie didn't seem discouraged yet, her vivid, dark eyes still smiling at him. "Then maybe you want to buy me a drink?"

Alex thought about it for a moment as he studied her. She had a head full of wild, black curls all the way down to the back. He'd never noticed this before since her hair was usually hidden under a scrub cap or tied in a knot. Her navy blue tank top revealed well-formed abs under her naturally tan skin. She was beautiful, not in a cute, but definitely in a hot way.

"Yeah, I think I want to buy you a drink," he finally said. "In fact, I think we should have more than one."

Joe came back with Alex's drink and left again, after Natalie had made her order, raising an eyebrow at Alex in passing. Whether it was an approving or disapproving gesture Alex wasn't sure, but frankly, he didn't care. All he wanted right now was to enjoy one carefree evening with a nice girl. A few drinks, a nice chat... and maybe a little more than that.

Truth was, Alex missed sex. He missed it a lot, especially the sense of fulfillment it always gave him. The feeling that, at least in some way, he was valued and loved, even if it was only his body. After the merciless way Jo had broken up with him he was looking for validation.

He had to learn early he was simply not an easy person to like or love. His father made that more than clear with his yelling and hitting. So did the teachers, who told him he was a failure, the kids at school who mocked him for being poor, and the police men who told him he'd never amount to anything when they caught him stealing food.

Most of the times not even his mother was able to show him affection, but he couldn't blame her because she was sick. His siblings loved him and looked up to him, he knew that much. But he was their big brother, the only one who had consistently taken care of them, so what else were they supposed to do? In the end they couldn't make up for the constant rejection he had to face from adults and peers growing up.

But what he found out when he lost his virginity in the school nurse's car at the age of fifteen was he could substitute emotional love with physical love. It didn't work in the long run of course, but for a while it was enough. Sex was like a contract and if both parties did their part, they could be happy, for a night, a few hours, maybe just one act. Still it was some kind of happiness, some kind of love. And for a long time that kind of love was all Alex strived for. Sex became his cure for whenever he felt lonely or worthless.

Sitting there at Joe's, Alex felt pretty damn lonely and worthless and he had been feeling that way for weeks so after a few drinks, he asked Natalie if she would like to end the evening at his place.

Natalie chuckled. "Okay, that's a bit fast, but I guess there is no use in pretending I hadn't hoped you'd ask me eventually, so yeah... let's go."

Alex paid for their drinks and turned back to Natalie, ready to leave. But Natalie didn't move. She just studied him with her intense eyes, lips curled into a slight smile. "What? I thought you wanted-" In that moment Natalie leaned forward, wrapped her arms around his shoulders and kissed him.

At first Alex was caught by surprise but it didn't take long for him to kiss her back. He hadn't even realised how much he had missed the sensation of a kiss. And it felt good, in fact it felt so good, he immediately craved more.

"Sorry, I just wanted to make sure this part worked first," Natalie whispered as she let go, her lips softly brushing against his as she spoke.

"Okay, so did it work? Can we go now?" Alex asked with an amused smirk.

"Oh, it totally worked and I can't wait to do it again." Natalie tucked her arm into his and impatiently dragged him towards the exit.

A cab brought them to Alex's house and as soon as they closed the door behind them, Natalie started to kiss him again, simultaneously trying to open his pants.

"Wait," Alex grabbed her hands to keep her from unzipping his jeans, "we should go upstairs. My roommate has a kid and in case she has her over right now... you know... it's better we continue with this in my room."

Natalie frowned at him. "I doubt a kid would be wandering around the house at night, but whatever! Your wish is my command."

They went upstairs as quietly as possible, but the moment they entered Alex's room, they started making out again, only interrupting their kisses so Natalie could take off her tank top and Alex his shirt.

"If you knew how long I've been waiting for this," Natalie muttered as Alex slowly pushed her towards the bed. When her legs made contact with the bed behind her, she dropped back on it, pulling Alex down with her. She started to unzip his pants again. This time Alex didn't stop her. Quite the contrary, Alex assisted her in taking off her skinny jeans and as soon as both their pants were on the floor, Alex reached behind Natalie to unhook her bra, his kisses moving to her neck at the same time.

But as he caressed Natalie's shoulder blades something strange happened. Suddenly he imagined it was Jo's soft skin his lips were touching. And when Natalie's hands moved over his back, it felt like Jo's hands were tracing the small of his back.

Alex shook his head to get rid of the image. It was probably the alcohol in his system playing tricks on him.

He raised his head and smiled at Natalie. Only it wasn't the nurse who looked back up at him. It was his ex-girlfriend with her bright brown eyes and her typical smile, so warm and open it defied every hardship she had ever been through.

Once more Alex tried to ignore the weird vision. He bent down, closed his eyes and pressed his lips to Natalie's. But in his mind he was still seeing Jo, kissing Jo.

What was wrong with him? He realised he couldn't go through with this. He was a lot of things, but he was not the guy who slept with a woman while he fantasised about a different one.

He broke the kiss abruptly, gazing at Natalie apologetically. "I'm sorry, but we can't do this."

Natalie frowned slightly as she looked down his body, her eyes getting caught by his crotch. "We can't do this?" she asked, curling her lips into a lopsided grin, "I'm pretty sure we're already in the middle of 'this'."

But then she saw how the excitement slowly left Alex's body.

"Oh God, seriously?" She rolled her eyes and with an exasperated groan she rolled out from under him and got up. "You gotta be fucking kidding me."

Furiously the nurse started to gather her clothes. "You are aware that this is pretty pathetic and embarrassing for you, aren't you?" she asked while she put on her panties and bra.

"I know. I'm sorry." Pathetic and embarrassed was pretty much exactly how he felt in that moment. Alex slipped into his boxers and sat down at the edge of the bed, hunched over, arms propped on his lap, while he covered his face with his hands.

"It's because of the resident, isn't it? Jo Wilson? You're not over her, right?"

"No, I'm not." Alex answered truthfully.

He could hear Natalie moving around the room wearing only one shoe. She was probably looking for the other one. "Well, if I'm honest, I never thought you were over her. I never expected this to be more than some fun, but meaningless rebound sex for you, but that you couldn't even do this, is pretty... oh nevermind."

She had found her second shoe and was ready to leave. "Well, if you love her so much, I hope you find a way to fix things with her. I honestly do."

"Thank you." Alex finally looked up at her. "And Natalie? Can I ask you a favour?"

"Let me guess, you don't want me to tell anybody about what happened... or rather did not happen here tonight?"

"Yeah, that would be great."

"Sure, no problem. I'd rather pretend this night never happened myself." With those words she closed the door behind her. Alex could hear her high heels clatter down the stairs, then it was quiet.

Alex lay down on the bed, hoping the alcohol which was still left in his blood would do its' job and make him fall asleep quickly, for only sleep could wash away the utter humiliation of this night.

He was about to doze off, when his phone rang. The ringing was so adamant he couldn't ignore it, although he wanted to.

"Yeah?"

"Alex?" It was a female voice. Alex didn't recognise it, but he could tell by the muffled sobs on the other side of the line the caller was crying.

"Yeah? Who is it?"

"Alex, mom is sick. I need your help."

"Amber?"

* * *

 **Author's Notes: I know this story is pretty somber, especially the Jo parts. I'm sorry I'm putting her through so much crap, but I had to find a way to make sense of the tenuous details the writers gave us about Jo's past. I absolutely hate how the writers are handling her story. First they make it seem like Jo has anger issues and was possibly assaulted, then they drop that story like it's no big deal. Even worse, they almost treat Jo's past like a joke. She's stolen cars, she's beaten up people, she's been to jail, but hey, who needs details or reasons for why those things happened? It's better to use them as punchlines. In addition they made it seem like Jo was magically "healed" once they put her into a (more or less) stable relationship with Alex and by letting her discover she can direct her anger (and strength) into orthopedics. So here we are almost 4 years later and people still don't understand Jo. And I know enough who are still judging her for what she did to Jason, because the fact that it was self-defence and that she was probably severely triggered was basically glossed over. Some people even suggested that it was Jo who beat up Meredith before episode 12x09 aired. I wish the writers would finally show some real investment in Jo and tell her story properly. (Sorry I went on a little rant there.)**

 **Thanks to my beta Sam for still doing this with me.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Notes: I know I'm taking forever updating this story, but at long last I've finished a new chapter. It may seem a bit uneventful, but sometimes new plot points need a little setting up. Moreover I'm sorry to say this chapter doesn't have much Jo in it. But I promise this too will change in the next one.**

 **As always thanks to Sam. You're the best!**

* * *

Chapter 7

Alex checked his phone about a million times the next day, waiting for a phone call from Amber who was supposed to tell him when her plane from Iowa had landed so he could pick up her and their mother from the airport. He was at the hospital doing post-op care since he had postponed or delegated his surgeries for the day. The last thing he wanted was to be called away in the middle of a surgery. Nevertheless he waited in vain. His sister never called.

Instead he got a call from Meredith after he had eaten lunch at the cafeteria, telling him his sister and mother had arrived at the hospital and his mother had been admitted.

Furiously he made his way to the room on the third floor Meredith had mentioned. How could Amber override him like this? Over the past few years he had done a lousy job at taking care of his family, he knew that, but she was the one who had reached out to him. She was the one who had asked for his help. And although he was still hoping it wasn't that bad, if their mother really was sick he had a right to be included.

What he saw when he neared his mother's room didn't exactly brighten his mood. The first thing he saw was Meredith waiting for him in the hallway which didn't surprise him because he had asked her to take over his mother's case. What made his blood pressure rise however, was the fact Jo was with her, apparently as Meredith's resident.

"Damn it," Alex cursed under his breath. Why did she have to be on Meredith's service today of all days? Why did the universe or fate or whatever have to write her a part in every goddamn Karev family crisis? He didn't want her involved in his mother's case. He couldn't handle her being near on top of having to deal with his family. What's more, he didn't want her to be around as a witness if things got complicated with his mother or sister.

At last he noticed the woman standing across from Jo and all his anger evaporated immediately. She leaned against the opposite wall of the hallway, arms crossed over her chest.

It was Amber.

The truth was, if he hadn't known it could only be his sister, he might not even have recognised her. The thought made Alex shudder.

In that moment the young woman turned around. As she noticed him, her arms dropped in surprise, their eyes locked and they both froze for just an instant. Alex had this absurd wish for her to come running straight into his arms, so he could cradle her and tell her that everything was going to be alright, like he'd done so many times when she was little.

Of course she didn't. Instead her gaze became hard, her lips a thin line. Still, he could tell she was doing the exact same thing he was doing as he stopped a few feet in front of her. She was studying him like he was studying her.

Although he knew it was stupid, Alex found himself tracing her face for signs telling him that maybe he had _not_ missed half her life. That maybe she was still his little baby sister. However, it didn't take long for him to realize nothing about her was childlike anymore.

True, she was still on the shorter side, probably a few inches shorter than Jo even. But she wasn't a gangly little girl anymore, her body had curves now. And her tow-coloured hair had turned dirty-blonde over the years. She had the delicate hands of a woman, gone were the clumsy little fingers with the chipped off pink nail polish. Her dark clothes - a fashionable grey jacket, skinny blue jeans and black converse - indicated that she had outgrown pink altogether. She was beautiful, but nothing about her resembled the little girl he had left behind 12 years ago.

Then again she also didn't resemble the girl he had left at the hospital 5 years ago, for which Alex was ineffably grateful. Lying in the hospital bed after Aaron's attack, she had looked so fragile and broken, he had barely been able to look at her. Now she looked whole and healthy again, except for a faint scar on her forehead right underneath the hairline. It was about an inch and a half long and a result of Aaron smashing a lamb against her head. It was the only reminder of that horrible day he could see form looking at her. Alex felt a flash of guilt wash over him as he caught sight of it.

"Amber, hi!" Alex was the first to find his tongue again. Unsure whether his sister would welcome a hug or not, he raised his arms somewhat.

Amber did not reciprocate his movement. Quite the contrary, she made a step back, crossing her arms in front of her chest again.

"Hey." One word, three letters, was Amber's entire reply.

Disappointed Alex dropped his arms. From the corner of his eye he risked a glance at Meredith and Jo. Both seemed embarrassed by this more than awkward sibling reunion. The way they pretended to be studying his mother's file on the tablet was too obvious. Jo raised her head a bit to send a sympathetic smile in his direction.

Alex felt how he flushed slightly. Already she was pitying him. This was exactly why he didn't want her around as long as his family was here.

He directed his attention back to Amber. "Why didn't you call me? I told you I'd pick you up from the airport."

"We took a cab. No big deal," Amber said dismissively. "I assumed you'd be busy being a surgeon."

"I took the day off," Alex explained.

"I didn't know that."

She didn't know that? What had she thought he'd do after a phone call, where she told him his mother might have cancer? Did Amber honestly think he cared so little about them he'd go back to business as usual after news like that?

Again Alex felt anger rise inside him. He swallowed hard before he continued to question his sister, as if it would somehow help him calm down. "Okay, what about Mom? How is she?"

"I don't know any more than what I told you on the phone yesterday. We just arrived here and your doctor friends insisted we wait for you, before examining her further." Her tone was impatient and annoyed, as if she was talking to a petulant child.

What she had told Alex the previous night was that his mother had progressively lost weight over the last few months. Pinning it on her mental illness, where wavering weight due to lack of appetite wasn't uncommon, Amber hadn't given it too much thought at first.

Alex couldn't blame her for that, he knew from personal experience Helen could be difficult when it came to eating, especially when she was going through particularly bad phases of her schizophrenia. To her, everything and every one was an enemy during those times and the more you insisted she had to eat the more reluctant she became. After all it was possible you were "one of them" and were trying to poison her or orally implant a chip into her body with the food.

Eventually Amber contacted her mother's psychiatrist, assuming her mother's medication had to be readjusted but the psychiatrist assured Alex's sister her mother's mental illness was under control and thus could not be the cause of her weight loss. When her mother began to complain about ongoing abdominal pain, Amber ultimately decided to take her to the doctor. Once the physician started throwing around words like tumour, carcinoma and stomach cancer she became scared and called Alex.

"What about you? How are you holding up?" Alex asked his sister, trying his best to disregard the hostility in her voice as well as the uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach, which told him Amber's distraught phone call last night might not have been intended for Alex Karev, her brother, but rather Alex Karev the surgeon, who just happened to be her brother.

"I'm fine."

The dark circles under her eyes suggested otherwise. She probably hadn't slept properly in days. "You look tired."

Amber narrowed her eyes at her brother. "You look tired is just a fancy way of saying you look like crap, so thanks for the compliment, Alex."

"Amber, that's not what I-"

Amber ignored him and addressed Meredith and Jo, "Can we go to Mom now?"

Meredith looked at Alex who nodded to let her know he was ready too. But when he stepped towards the door Amber held up her hands to block his way. "I meant just me and the doctors. I'm sorry, but you can't go in there."

That's when it was over with Alex's indulgence. With an angry frown he glared at his sister. "What do you mean, I can't go in there?"

"Seeing you is only going to upset her," Amber explained cooly. "It's enough that she has to deal with the hospital and the doctors and nurses who are all strangers and potential threats to her."

"I'm not a stranger and I'm not a threat to her, I'm her freaking son!" Alex hissed, barely able to contain his anger.

Amber let out a deprecatory laugh. "You honestly think that? You honestly think she's gonna recognise you as her son? You were gone over a decade. You might as well be a stranger to her. And if you aren't you're only gonna remind her of dad. She's gonna think you're him and you're gonna scare her. Is that what you want?"

Amber had a point, Alex had to admit that. His mother had a history of forgetting or downright refusing to take her medication and when that happened she often confused her son with her absent husband. It was one of the reasons why Alex decided to leave his family in the first place. At some point he couldn't take it anymore, the fear in his mother's eyes as she mistook him for the man who had caused her so much sorrow and pain.

"No, of course that's not what I want. But you can't know how she's gonna react. You said she is taking her meds, so it might be okay."

"We don't know that and I'm not going to risk it." His sister's words sounded final.

"That's not your decision to make! You have no right to keep me from seeing her," Alex snapped.

Amber held his gaze. "No, I don't and I won't, but if you care about her just one bit, you'll stay away from her." Something shifted in her gaze and it softened. "At least for now."

Alex ran his hands through his hair. Part of him wanted to yell at her and knock her down a peg. How dare she speak to him like that? And in front of his colleagues no less? The other part of him knew his sister was right. The new surroundings, strange people, as well as the medical tests were bound to frighten and confuse his mother. The last thing he wanted was for his presence to stress her out even more. "Fine," he sighed, "I'm not going in."

As Amber opened the door to let Meredith and Jo enter, Alex caught a glimpse of his mother laying in the hospital bed. It was merely her pale, thin hand on the sheets, still it made everything inside him revolt against the promise he had just made. It was like some weird primary instinct was kicking in, telling him that he had to be with her, because she was sick and scared.

After all it was his job to take care of her. But then his sister closed the door behind her, cutting him off from his mother again. That's when Alex remembered that he had walked away from that job years ago.

He was not the person his mother needed right now. Amber was.


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Notes: As promised this chapter has more Jo.**

 **A lot has happened in the season 12 finale and my fic seems even more AU now, but I'll just stick to my original ideas with this story, so don't expect any secret husbands to come up. I do hope Shonda and the writers take the story they've given Jo seriously and try to do it justice.**

 **Thank you to Sam, who is totally my safety net.**

* * *

Chapter 8

When Jo went to work that morning she was determined to set her transfer into motion. She knew she couldn't handle working with Baker much longer, he continued to make her feel miserable as a person and inadequate as a surgeon. Jo fought it, but she could still feel it getting to her. Baker was like Dracula, the only difference was he wasn't sucking her blood but her confidence. You can only be told you're a failure so much, before you start believing it yourself. But a surgeon can't afford to be insecure, because that's when they start making mistakes. Jo knew she had to get away from his toxic influence before it permanently impacted her confidence and consequently her surgical skills.

She had it all planned out in her head, first she would talk to Dr. Webber, who was in charge of the resident program because not only did she need his help with the transfer process, she was hoping to get his advice on which hospital to go to and a letter of recommendation. She hoped he would be understanding about her decision to leave Grey+Sloan, and after everything was settled she'd hand in her notice to the board.

When Jo got to work she was relieved to see she'd been put on Meredith Grey's service instead of Lionel Baker's. Dr. Grey was certainly not Jo's biggest fan either, but she'd take Medusa over Dracula any day. Still, it didn't make a difference because the prospect of working with acceptable attendings every now and then was not enough to make her want to stay.

But then she saw the name Helen Karev on the chart of one of her assigned patient cases and suddenly any thoughts about leaving Seattle got obliterated and replaced with thoughts of worry.

Worries about a woman she didn't even know, but already cared about. And most of all worries about the man she failed to stop loving. Jo knew Alex was probably less than thrilled she was involved in his mother's case, even so there was no way she'd leave when he had to deal with a sick mother. She couldn't let him do this alone.

With that in mind Jo went looking for Alex after her shift had ended that evening, to make sure he was alright. She knew his sister's unaffable behaviour as well as the fact that she refused to let him see his mother had to bother him deeply. All she wanted to do was make sure he was okay and update him on his mother's lab results.

She found him sitting at the table in the attending's lounge, bent over a tablet, updating patient files. Quietly Jo knocked on the open door so he'd know she was there.

Alex looked up. "What do you want?" he asked, his tone gruff.

"I was looking for you. You were gone when Grey and I finished with your mother's examination, and I thought you might want to know her lab results... and I… I just wanted to make sure you're doing okay," she said, while she hesitantly entered the room.

"Oh suddenly you care about me again?"

"Of course I do, I always did," Jo asserted forcefully.

"Oh right," Alex snapped, "because that's what you said, isn't it? You care about me. You just don't love me."

Jo dropped on the chair across from her ex-boyfriend. She had to get this conversation away from their relationship. "Alex, I'm your mother's doctor. Whether you like it or not, we'll have to find a way to talk to each other in a normal way." she said, fixing him with her gaze. "So can we please not make this about you and me?"

Alex glared at her. "I'd love to not make this about you and me. Just step down from this case and there's no you in it anymore."

"What?" Jo looked at him incredulously.

"You heard me. I don't want you to work on my mother's case anymore."

Jo couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth. Was he seriously asking her to give up his mother's case? She understood he was heartbroken, but she never would have thought he'd sabotage her career because of it. A few moments she just stared at him, waiting for him to take it back. Her stomach dropped in disappointment, as he went back checking patient files on the tablet. "You're honestly asking me to walk away from a case, because it's more convenient for you?"

"Oh come on, don't act like it's such a big deal, like I'm jeopardising your career or something. It's just one case."

Jo pressed her lips together tightly and nodded. "Sure, it's just one case. I just thought you were better than that. I thought you would never put me into a position where I'd have to face professional disadvantages, because we were dating. Isn't that why we signed that stupid love contract in the first place? Wasn't that meant to protect my interests as a subordinate?" She stood up, ready to go. "Guess kissing me in public was the only thing that counted for you, then."

"Jo wait," Alex jumped up and put his hand on her arm to keep her from leaving. Jo turned around, her face only inches away from his.

Quickly Alex let go of her arm, as if he suddenly realised he was invading her personal space.

Or maybe he just couldn't handle being near to her like that, maybe he felt as if even simple physical contact was too painful now. Or maybe that was just how she felt, the lingering ghost of his touch reminded her how close they used to be and how much she missed it. In the past two years there hadn't been a day where they had not touched or kissed in some way, those days seemed an eternity away.

Alex was the first to regain his composure. "You're right, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked you that. It's just that I'm..."

"Acting like a jerk, because you're worried sick about your mom and your sister won't let you see her?" Jo offered with an attempt at a grin, pushing aside any remaining sentimental thoughts.

"Yeah... I guess," he admitted ruefully.

Jo sat down again. "Okay, now that that is settled, how about we take a look at your mom's chart? Or have you talked to Meredith already?"

"No. To be honest I was in the OR until just now. Jenna Metcalf's bowl resection. I was gonna do it tomorrow, but I figured surgery is the best way to distract myself."

Jo moved her chair closer to Alex's and took his tablet. After she had entered her password she searched for Helen Karev's file. "The CT is scheduled for tomorrow morning, but here are her lab results," she explained as she handed the tablet over to Alex.

Alex studied it for a moment. "So, you did feel a mass in her abdomen? And there are tumour markers in her blood? Crap! I was hoping the doctor my sister took her to was just overreacting." He looked at Jo. "What do you think it is?"

The resident shrugged. "We can't tell yet what it is exactly. We need to wait for the CT."

"Yeah, I know that, but you gotta have an assumption," Alex pressed.

"An assumption is not a diagnosis. So let's just wait for tomorrow, okay?" Alex opened his mouth to object, but Jo cut him off. "You know what? Why don't we go to your sister and tell her she can crash at your house tonight, so you can spend the night with your mother? I'm sure Amber could use a break. I was about to go home anyways, so I could drive her to your place, if you... if that's okay for you?"

For a moment Alex furrowed his brows as if he wanted to start a fight. He was obviously not happy about her deflecting his attempts to get more information out of her but in the end he just sighed and got up. "Okay, let's go. I'm pretty sure Amber will refuse to leave, but I fixed a guest room for her at the house, so we might as well try."

On their way to the patient rooms on the third floor they discussed how they could convince Amber to take a break from her watch. They decided it was best if Jo went in first to test the water and broach the subject carefully. The last thing Alex wanted was for Amber to make a scene in front of their mother. It would only upset and frighten her.

When Jo entered the patient room Mrs. Karev was asleep. Amber was sitting in a chair by her side, eyelids at half-mast. The young woman straightened up and flashed a quick smile at Jo when she saw her enter. Jo could tell how tired she had to be, she had exhaustion written all over her face. She checked Mrs. Karev's IV-drip before she turned back to Amber to make her request.

"Listen, I was talking to Alex and we thought you could probably use some rest from your bedside duties? How about you let somebody else watch over your mother for a while?" she asked quietly.

Amber shook her head. "No, I'm good here. I'm not leaving her alone."

"I promise your mom will be taken care of. We have very skilled staff who know how to handle patients with mental illnesses. Besides..." Jo trailed off.

"Besides?" Amber probed.

"Well, Alex is waiting outside and you know he wants to see her. He could take care of her while you go to his place to catch some sleep."

"No way!" Amber said firmly.

"Look, you can't keep him from her forever. She is his mother too, he has a right to see her, and it looks like she's gonna be here for a while which means you're gonna be here for a while. You're gonna need a place to stay."

Amber exhaled sharply. "I guess you're right about that. I was actually just looking up hotels on my phone before you came in."

Jo made a face. "Oh come on, don't make it more complicated than it has to be. I know things are tense between you and your brother, but Alex doesn't live far away and he's already fixed a room for you. You could sleep and eat at his place and come back here as often as you want. And I'm... I'm on my way out, so if you wanna come I could drop you off at his house."

Amber bit her lip, clearly thinking about Jo's offer. Eventually she groaned and gave in. "Okay, I guess you're right. He can stay with her for the night. If I'm completely honest she's been asking for him a couple of times."

She got up and yawned extensively, which made Jo shoot her a knowing glance. Amber rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, I'm tired. I think we've already established that. I still doubt I'll even be able to sleep much. Now, let's just get out of here and get it over with. I wanna be back here as soon as possible in the morning."

Amber reached for the small bag with her spare clothes beside the nightstand. With a last look at her mother she followed Jo out of the room, where Alex was waiting for them.

Jo readied herself for another round of angry glares and sarcastic remarks, but when Amber addressed her brother her tone was actually civil, albeit still a little condescending. The only thing she said to him was to call her immediately if Helen started to act out or if she got seriously upset about something. Jo noticed she omitted the fact that her mother had been asking for Alex.

* * *

Alex watched them walk away as he reached for the doorhandle.

He hesitated, suddenly nervous. What if she really didn't remember him? What if she thought he was Jimmy? He wanted nothing more than to see her, but he had to admit he might be setting himself up for painful disappointment.

Quietly, Alex opened the door and walked into the room. Realising his mother was still asleep eased the pressure in his chest instantaneously.

He sat down in the chair where he assumed his sister had sat only a few moments ago, watching the steady rise and fall of his mother's chest. He noticed her face had more wrinkles and her hair had more grey streaks than he remembered. She was getting old.

He didn't know what he had expected; of course she was getting older. Regardless, he was a little shocked. It was like the furrows in his mother's face were another reminder - an accusation almost - of how much of his family's life he had missed, because he had turned his back on them for so long.

One thing which filled Alex with relief was the fact that, apart from her pale skin and her skinniness, he couldn't see any signs pointing to a severe sickness, at least not at first sight. And his mother had always been pale and skinny, so maybe it wasn't that bad after all?

He moved the chair closer to his mother's bed, leaned forward and took her hand in his. Her fingers were warm, which was a good sign. Alex started to relax, the tension of the day finally started to wear off and it made him realise how tired he was. He tried to stay awake, but eventually he couldn't fight it anymore. He fell asleep, using the edge of his mother's bed as a pillow, figuring if he slept that way, he'd immediately notice when she woke up.

It was around 2am when Alex started up from his sleep as he felt a hand stroking over his head. His mother had woken up; in an instant he was wide awake. Feeling panic rise inside him, he jolted up in the chair.

Helen was sitting upright in her bed as she looked at him. Frantically Alex thought about what to do next. What should he say? Would she recognize him or should he introduce himself? Should he tell her he was a doctor? Her doctor? And which name should he give her? Dr. Karev wouldn't work.

Amused Helen Karev shook her head over her son's reaction. Only then did Alex realise she was actually smiling. "I knew you'd come. It took a while, you always did take your own sweet time about everything, but I knew you'd come eventually. Alex…," she raised her hands, gestured him to come closer, "come here, let me look at you."

Alex moved from the chair to the bed, his mother took his head in her hands and studied him, taking in every inch of his face. "My boy... all grown up," she said with pride in her voice.

"Mom!" Alex could feel tears well up in his eyes. He wrapped his arms around his mother and hugged her tightly. "God, I was so scared you wouldn't recognise me."

"Oh no, I wouldn't forget my own kids. Well," she conceded, "sometimes I do, but not today."

He couldn't think of anything to say as she wiped a tear from his cheek. "So this is your hospital, huh?"

Alex nodded with a smile. "It's not exactly my hospital, but this is where I work, yeah."

"It's nice here," Helen said. She looked around the room and Alex noticed she focused on the TV hanging on the wall in the corner a little too long. When she turned her head back to him, her lips parted into a smile. "I wanna know everything about it. About the hospital, about your job. Just tell me about your life." Her glance went back to the TV. "But can you turn off the TV first? Please?"

"Mom, the TV is...," he began, before he remembered negating her delusions wouldn't help her. If she was hearing noises or voices or saw things, nothing he said could convince her those things weren't real, because to her they were. The only thing Alex could do to help her was indulge her. So he got up, went to the TV set and pushed a few buttons, pretending to turn it off.

"Thank you," Helen beamed at him as he sat down again. "So... where were we? The hospital! You wanted to tell me something about your job. I can't believe you're a doctor, Alex. And not just any doctor! A surgeon. I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks, Mom." He hugged her again and started telling her about his work.

After a while Helen started eyeing the TV suspiciously again. Alex studied her, a troubled expression in his eyes. She was slipping, Alex could sense it. He sighed inwardly. It had started so well. His mother had remembered him, she was lucid and they were able to lead a normal conversation.

Still Alex should have known it was all too good to be true. He told himself not to be disappointed, people who suffered from schizophrenia needed routine, a clear schedule for their days. His mother's schedule was completely disequilibrated. Additionally they had brought her to a strange hospital in a strange city full of strange people. Of course she'd show symptoms.

What he needed do now was distract her, dodge the delusion in some way. The best way to do that was by talking about something familiar, something she liked. If there was one thing Helen Karev liked it was music. It was one of the reasons she had fallen in love and married a jazz musician. The love for the musician had caused her a world of pain, but her love for music had never ceased.

Alex took his mother's hands in his, a touch which made her redirect her attention from the TV set to her son. "Hey Mom, you know that one song you love so much? About the piano man? Do you still remember the lyrics? I think I've forgotten them, I haven't heard the song it in ages."

"Of course I remember the lyrics," his mother replied offended. "You should too! You used to play that song on the guitar, when you were still home. Don't you know that anymore?"

"I still know that, Mom. It's just the lyrics I've forgotten," Alex assured her calmly. "Can you help me with those? What is the piano man's name? Who are his friends?" Encouragingly he squeezed his mother's hands, praying this old trick would still work.

"Well, the piano man's name is obviously Bill, because it's a Billy Joel song," his mother lectured him, like she couldn't believe Alex had forgotten that. Then she told him about John the barman, who provided the piano man with free drinks and secretly dreamed about becoming a movie star, Paul the real estate novelist, who never had time for a wife and Davey who was still in the navy and probably would be for life.

Once she was done with The Piano Man, Alex asked her about lyrics to other songs. Helen was completely immersed in that topic. Relieved about the successful ruse, Alex felt the worries and fear which had taken hold of him, subside. He leaned back in his chair, allowed himself to relax and savour a little moment of happiness, while he listend to his mother talking about Billy Joel songs.

Whatever his mother had heard or seen in the black screen of the TV was gone, or at least forgotten. It was only temporary, Alex was aware of that. And the TV was probably a permanent hazard. Tomorrow he'd have to organise a new room for his mother, one without a TV. But for now the crisis was averted.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

"So, are you his girlfriend?" Amber blurted out.

"What makes you think that?" Jo asked carefully, glancing at Amber as she drove towards Alex's house. Throughout the car ride Jo hadn't missed Amber's narrowing eyes as the younger woman studied her as if she was trying to figure something out and waiting for Alex's sister to say something had been making her tense.

Amber rolled her eyes. "Oh please! The way you look at him, when you think nobody sees? And this right here?" She gestured at them both and the car. "You offering me a ride home? I doubt that's part of your duties as a surgeon. I'm not stupid you know, so you might as well admit it."

Right about then Jo started to wonder if offering to take Amber home had been the right idea. What was she even doing helping Alex during a tough time and taking care of his sister? He hadn't asked her to do either. It was her who had gone to him and it was her who had offered to take his sister home. She was basically forcing herself into Alex's life which was wrong. She had to stop meddling or she would end up hurting both of them even more than she already had.

She stopped in front of a red light and remembered what she always used to say: _You can't hold on to anything you don't want to lose._ The good things were always impermanent. Who would know that better than her? This time she had put an end to it herself. So why was she still holding on to Alex? She had to listen to her own advice and learn to let go. She would take Amber to Alex's home, then she'd leave and not get involved in her or her brother's life any further.

As the light turned from red to green Jo's mind switched back to Amber who was still waiting for an answer. "I'm not Alex's girlfriend. But... I used to be," she added after a beat.

"Oh," Amber acknowledged simply and Jo thought she'd let it go at that, but she didn't. Of course she didn't. "What happened? Did he leave you? I bet he did, he's good at that… leaving people."

Jo didn't want to continue this conversation, but she couldn't let Amber blame Alex for something which wasn't his fault but hers. "No, I left him actually. It's a long and complicated story and I don't think now's the right time. Besides, we're here."

Jo steered the car into the driveway, killed the engine and they got out of the car. Her bag in hands, Amber paused and stared at the house for a moment. It was dimly lit by the lights on the porch, which clearly didn't give off enough light to give Amber the full impression, yet as they walked towards the front door she seemed eager to take in everything her eyes could absorb.

The house wasn't exactly new or modern, but it was big and did have a welcoming and homey vibe to it. Jo wondered if Amber was so immersed by it, because she had never lived in a house like this herself, or if she merely tried to figure out her brother and what kind of person he had become by examining his home.

Amber's gaze wandered over the grey panelling on the walls, the big windows, the plants on the brick wall surrounding the porch. Once they had reached the door her eyes got caught by the swinging bench beside it.

"I always wanted one of these, when I was a kid," she said as a wistful smile flickered over her face. Then she quickly pushed the door bell, as if she regretted having given away this tidbit of personal information.

"He lives with roommates, right?" Amber asked in an effort to elude an awkward silence.

"Yes, one roommate. Her name's Arizona. She's a surgeon at the hospital too. And she's really nice, you're gonna like her."

"Just one? I thought Alex mentioned several roommates? Then again I stopped taking his calls years ago, so what do I really know about his current living conditions?"

"This house has seen quite a few different inhabitants over time," Jo admitted. "As far as I know Alex used to live here with some friends from his intern year. You know Meredith Grey, your mother's surgeon? She was the former owner. Then she moved into a new house with her husband and kids and Alex bought this house. Then-"

"Wait a minute," Amber interrupted her, "this is Alex's house? As in he is the owner and not just a resident? He bought a real house?"

"Well, yes... I... I had assumed you knew that already," she said sheepishly. Feeling guilty about oversharing information she thought about a way to appease Amber. The door opened before she had a chance to say anything.

"Hi!" Arizona welcomed them in a cheerful tone, her usual bright smile on the face. "You gotta be Amber, right? I'm Arizona. Nice to meet you." She held out her hand to Amber.

"Hi," Amber said flatly, her brows slightly furrowed. Hesitating briefly, she accepted the blonde's hand eventually.

Arizona frowned, looking to Jo for an explanation. Clearly she had expected more than a two letter word and a scowl as an introduction.

Jo tried to clear the air. "Uhm... Amber how about you go upstairs and unpack? The guest room is the second one on the left."

Amber did as told, while Arizona looked quizzically at Jo.

"She's just... uhm... a little reticent, because she's worried about her mother, you know?" Jo tried to explain.

Arizona nodded, not like she fully bought the explanation, but like she was willing to let it slide.

"Okay then," Jo pointed towards her car. "I should probably go now."

"Wilson, wait!" the older surgeon held her back, "Don't you want to come in? Keep us company? Alex told me to give his sister something to eat. We're pretty much out of groceries, but it'll do for some Mac & Cheese. If she wants something else, we're just gonna order pizza or something."

"I don't know…," Jo said unassertively, "I doubt Alex would be okay with that."

"Please?" Arizona looked at her with pleading eyes. "You can't leave me alone with a minutature, female version of Sulky Alex. He doesn't have to know."

"You'll be fine," Jo assured her with a chuckle at the comparison she was fairly certain neither Amber nor Alex would appreciate but was dead on accurate.

"But you have way more experience with grumpy Karevs than I do," Arizona pointed out, folding her hands in a pleading prayer.

Jo shook her head in amusement. "Okay fine, I'll stay for a while."

In the kitchen she said hello to Sofia, who was sitting at a chair by the counter. The little girl waved at her. "Hi, Dr. Wilson," she said before she went back to the colouring book in front of her.

Arizona addressed her daughter, "Listen Sofia, we have a guest tonight. Uncle Alex's sister is in town, because their mother is sick. She's staying with us for a while."

Confused Sofia looked around, "Where is she?"

"She's upstairs right now, unpacking. But we must make her something to eat. What do you think she'd like? Mac & Cheese or pizza?"

Sofia grinned, showing her tiny teeth. "PIZZZAAA," she yelled, stretching her arms into the air excitedly.

Arizona rolled her eyes. "Why am I even asking a 5-year old about dinner? Pizza will always win." Concerned she glanced at Jo. "Do you think Alex would mind? Pizza doesn't exactly constitute as a healthy meal."

Jo perked a brow at the older surgeon. "Are you kidding? Alex would be the one suggesting pizza. Besides, Mac & Cheese doesn't scream healthy food either."

"True," Arizona agreed. "Okay, then pizza it is."

After Arizona had called for pizza to be delivered Jo went upstairs to get Amber. She ascended the stairs quitely, just in case Amber had already fallen asleep.

She never made it to the guest room though. As she passed Alex's room she could barely believe what she was seeing through the open door. Amber was kneeling beside the bed, rummaging in the nightstand. With arms crossed Jo stopped over the threshold, taking in the open closet in the corner, and the jackets, hoodies and shirts lying scattered on the floor. Alex's old guitar leaned against the wall. Some of the drawers of the cabinet by the window had been opened too.

"What the hell are you doing in here?" she finally demanded in a loud voice.

Amber flinched, visibly startled. But when she turned around she held Jo's stern gaze defiantly. For a moment it looked like she wanted to start a fight, instead her expression changed from bitterness to despondency. In her eyes Jo could see the sheen of tears. Amber sank down on the bed, swiftly wiping her eyes.

Jo came over and sat beside her, trying not to get overwhelmed by all the personal memories connected with this room. "What were you looking for, Amber?" she asked in a softer tone this time, while Amber stared at a random spot on the floor. "Is it money? Do you need money?"

Amber snorted. "God, no! Money is the only thing I never needed from him, yet it's the only thing he's given me for years."

Before she continued speaking she wiped her eyes again, determined to keep the tears at bay. The trembling in her voice she could not hide, though. "What I was looking for is... I don't know... pictures I guess? Memories? Something which showed he still remembered us, still cared about us... about me. But there's nothing. Not one picture. Just this old guitar from dad, from the man he hated more than any one else in the entire world. And yet he is here in this room. But I'm not. I'm not a part of his life. Mom, Aaron, none of us."

That's when she finally gave in and started crying. With tears rolling down her cheeks she looked at Jo. "You were his girlfriend, can you explain that to me? Why are we not in his life? When did he stop caring about us? Did he even talk about me? Ever?"

What could Jo reply to that question, when the answer was anything but comforting? The truth was Alex had barely talked about his family at all. And after things had gone so badly with Jimmy, Jo had refrained from pushing him to open up about, let alone reconnect with any more family members, which she realised in this moment, had been a mistake.

Tentatively Jo put her hand on Amber's back. Soothingly patting her, she felt a sudden surge of anger towards her ex-boyfriend. He had screwed up royally with his family. She couldn't come up with a reasonable explanation for their absence in his life, nevertheless she tried to find some words of comfort and truth for his younger sister. "It may not look like it, but I know Alex loves you guys and he still cares about you," she said once Amber stopped sobbing.

Amber laughed dryly, wiping away some residual tears. "Nice try Dr. Wilson-"

"You can call me Jo."

"Okay, then nice try Jo, because I think if he really did care about us beyond a certain family responsibility, which makes him send money on a monthly basis, he would have come visit us at least once in the last 12 years. But he didn't. And the 10 minutes he showed up when Aaron gave me this," she touched the scar on her forehead, "doesn't count."

With an exhausted sigh Amber fell back on the bed, her blonde hair scattered around her head, her hands resting on the soft fabric of the comforter beneath her. Jo lay down beside her and with their legs dangling from the edge of the bed, they stared at the white ceiling above them in silence.

"He did good with this house, it's really nice," Amber said randomly. "The house we grew up in was a tiny, run down place. I was always afraid someday some crazy person would break in and just kill us all. Surely wouldn't have been hard to crack the lock of that old door." She cackled as she thought back to that time. And just like that she started telling Jo about her childhood.

When Amber was a kid she never was afraid of monsters under the bed or in the closet. She was afraid of burglars and murderers breaking in and killing all of them. She had lots of nightmares about that. When she woke from those nightmares they still felt so real to her she was unable to move. She didn't scream either. She just lay in her bed, paralysed, eyes closed, holding her breath, hoping that if she pretended to sleep the thugs would just take their stuff and leave and not kill her.

But the fear wouldn't subside, so after half an eternity, when she finally gathered the courage to get up, she always ran to Alex's room and snuck into his bed. It became a routine. He would say, "Bad dreams, huh?" She would just nod and he would move over, give his little sister one of his pillows and put the blanket over her.

"He was never one to use many words," Amber recalled as she concluded her story, "he was just… there and in the end that was all I needed. He was my big brother, I only had to be with him and I always felt..."

"Safe," Jo finished the sentence for her. "I know what you mean. And he... believe me Amber, he is still that person."

Amber raised her head, cocking an eyebrow at Jo, as if she wanted to ask _If you feel that way about him, then why did you break up with him?_ However, she didn't actually ask the question, for which Jo was grateful. "Maybe he is, but not for me or for my family anymore. He cares about other people now."

"Amber..." Jo tried to fix the young woman with her eyes, but she turned on her back and continued reminiscing about her childhood.

"Anyways, I only know houses like this one from foster families. Once or twice I was taken in by folks who lived in those pretty, suburban houses with gardens and neatly trimmed lawns. I never cared for any of that, though. I never wanted them to keep me. I only wanted to go home to my family."

"Funny, the only thing I ever wanted was for them to keep me," Jo said quietly.

That sentence obviously provoked Amber's curiosity, because she turned on her side again to face Jo. With her head propped on her left arm, she goggled at her. "You were a foster kid too?"

Jo nodded. "I basically spent my whole childhood in the system. I went through half a dozen foster families, the rest of the time I spent in group homes. I've pretty much seen it all. When I was sixteen I got out of the system on my own. I stole a car and made it my new home, because if there's one thing that's worse than being a kid in foster care, it's being a teenager in foster care. You've given up hope to ever get adopted and yet they hand you over to these people who pretend to want to take care of you, when the only thing they're really interested in is the money they get for taking you in. And then men start looking at you with that sick expression in their eyes and… well, I'm sure you've had your own experiences with those sorts of things."

Amber looked at her with sympathetic and concerned eyes. "God, that sounds horrible. I'm so sorry! I never had to go through any of those things actually. Luckily they stopped sending me to foster families, when I was around seven. It was at the time when Alex was trying to get legal guardianship for me and Aaron."

"He did that?" Jo asked impressed, "I had no idea."

"Yeah, but it didn't work out in the end. Back then we had this really amazing social worker, Mrs. Tribbiani. Well, she probably wasn't amazing in Alex's eyes." Amber said, still focused on the ceiling as if her memories seemed to be winding down above them like a movie.

At that time Alex was around twenty and already out of the foster system. But somehow that made things worse for him. It was hell for him to be out of the system, while simultaneously having to watch his siblings get taken away by social workers again and again.

Whenever Mrs. Tribbiani showed up at their door Alex got into a fight with her. He kept arguing that just because they had crappy parents, didn't mean they were neglected children. He promised to take care of Aaron and Amber but they were still minors and the social workers deemed their home situation unacceptable. Children needed a safe and orderly home, the Karev home which was still the Evans home back then, was anything but.

One day Amber and Aaron were taken away after Helen Karev had almost attacked her youngest son with a steak knife. Both children were taken to a group home for some time while their mother was sent to an institution. When they came back Alex came up with the plan to become their legal guardian, so nobody could ever tear his family apart again.

He went to lawyers and official authorities, even had their name changed from Evans to Karev as a sign of their fresh start and because he wanted to cut any remaining connection to his father. In the end the officials turned his request down. In a way his efforts still paid off, because they showed Mrs. Tribbiani to what lengths Alex was willing to go to keep the family together. Thus she helped them get things in order as much as she could.

"After that we never got taken away again. Alex made his peace with Mrs. Tribbiani, finally realising what a decent lady she was and that she only had our best interests at heart. But imagine her reaction when she found out that Alex had bailed on us a few years later? Well, I can tell you I learned some interesting Italian curse words from her." Amber chuckled.

In that moment an excited Sofia stormed into the room. "Mommy wants you to come down. Pizza is coming," she said and disappeared as fast as she had come.

Amber stood up and looked after her, a baffled expression on her face. "Who was that kid? Is that...? Does Alex have a...?"

Jo laughed as she got up. "No, don't worry. That's just Arizona's daugther. Alex doesn't have kids."

Amber shrugged. "How would I know that?" she said dismissively, "He never tells me anything."

Jo went over to the closet. "I know you are angry at your brother and disappointed. He let you down a lot, I get that," she said as she started to put sweaters and shirts back into the her ex-boyfriend's closet, ignoring the ache she suddenly felt in her chest as she found herself surrounded by his scent. "But you gotta give him a chance to make it up to you because I know he wants to. It's not gonna work though, unless you're willing to let him. Stop being so stand-offish and just... give him a chance, okay?"

Amber didn't reply, instead she kneeled down and started putting away the stuff she'd taken out of the nightstand drawer in her quest to find family pictures.

Jo hoped Amber's silence wasn't meant as a complete rejection of her proposition. Maybe she just needed time to think.

After they finished cleaning Alex's room they went downstairs to eat pizza with Arizona and Sofia.

Jo was glad there wasn't anything awkward between her and Arizona. They had lived together for a couple of months, but they had never been particularly close, which was partly due to the fact Dr. Robbins was her boss.

Jo wouldn't have been surprised if Arizona displayed some reservations against her, because of her breaking up with Alex. After all, she was clearly more Alex's friend than hers but thankfully her worries turned out to be unfounded. Arizona was as cordial as ever and easily included her in conversations and made her feel welcomed in the house she used to consider her own.

Later that evening, when Sofia had long since gone to bed, they got company by a flustered April Kepner, who was apparently upset about something her husband had done or not done. She vented to Arizona in the kitchen for some time, barely acknowledging Jo's and Amber's presence.

Amber, who was probably not used to crazy doctors storming into your house and making a scene, watched April's outburst equally amused and confused. Eventually Jo decided to retreat to the living room, to grant the two women some privacy, Amber followed her somewhat reluctantly.

As soon as April had calmed down, she and Arizona joined them in the living room, where Amber finally got to introduce herself to April.

The four women sat together chatting almost until midnight, covering a range of topics from annoying patients, to exciting surgeries they were looking forward to, to Amber's life in Iowa. Jo wasn't exactly part of the attendings' circle of friends, Amber even less so, still they all managed to spend an enjoyable evening together, which made them forget about their respective worries for a while.

In the end Jo was glad she had decided to stay.

* * *

 **Author's Notes: This was one of my favourite chapters to write so far. I played a bit with canon information and extended some of it. I know on the show Alex's reason for changing his name was simply wanting to cut his father out of his life, but considering that that sort of thing requires money and lots of time and visits to the authorities I wanted to give Alex a bigger reason for taking that step.**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Alex stood in the kitchen making pancakes for his sister to eat for breakfast.

He knew he wasn't supposed to be home, and he was prepared for Amber to throw a tantrum once she found out he had left their mother alone at the hospital, but Arizona, who was supposed to be Amber's ride, had been called to an emergency and since Helen had fallen asleep after a very long and probably exhausting conversation with her son, Alex thought he could leave her for a while to pick Amber up himself.

Apart from the faint sizzling of the pancake dough in the pan, it was completely quiet in the house. Sofia had been picked up by Callie, Arizona was gone, Amber was still asleep. Sooner or later he'd have to wake her up if they wanted to make it to their mother's CT appointment, which was scheduled for 9:30, but he wanted to give her the chance to catch up on as much sleep as possible.

As if she had read his thoughts, he heard her coming down the stairs just a few moments later. Alex expected her to assail him with reproaches as soon as she set foot into the kitchen and realised he was not at the hospital but for some reason the sound of her steps stopped abruptly.

Curious about what was keeping her, he took a peak into the living room and saw Amber was standing in the door frame between the hallway and living room. Alex knew what she was looking at, the height marks with which Meredith had measured Zola's growth progress over the years.

Such homey touches had not been something they had done at the Karev house. Alex fully expected his sister to call him out on that too, and it crossed his mind how exhausting it was, expecting nothing but anger from his sister. When she raised her head and noticed her brother standing at the other side of the room, Amber didn't scold or yell at him about anything. She just said "Good morning," curling the corners of her lips into something which was close enough to a smile he decided to count it.

It was then that Alex realised how much she looked like their mother, at least the healthy, happier version of her he only remembered from old photographs. Her round face, the long dark blonde hair, her pointed chin, her mouth - he could definitely see a lot of Helen in Amber.

The only difference were the eyes. Helen's eyes were brown, while Amber's were blue, like her father's - _like Aaron's,_ Alex corrected mentally because even though he knew she got her eyes from their father he chose to ignore the science of genetics. At any rate he could see parts of both, Helen and Aaron in his sister. However, as he studied her face he couldn't discover anything of himself in her and an irrational feeling of disappointment rose inside him. Then again, didn't her sharp little nose look just like his?

"Good morning to you too," he greeted with a smile. "Wanna grab some breakfast? I'm making pancakes."

Amber shrugged her shoulders. "Fine, but let's make it quick. I don't want Mom to be alone any longer than necessary. How was she last night, did anything happen?" Then she blinked as if realising something. "Wait, why are you even here? You were supposed to stay with Mom last night and Arizona was gonna take me to the hospital to relieve you."

Alex took a moment to make sure he'd heard her correctly because there had been no accusation in her tone, just curiosity. Apparently her mood had improved over night, it was a wonder what a good night's sleep could do.

"Mom is fine," Alex assured Amber as he went back to making pancakes. "She was sound asleep when I left. And the reason I'm here is because Arizona got called away for an emergency delivery."

Amber sat down at the counter, grabbed the box of Crispy Puffs cereal and poured some into her hand. She started to pick out all the marshmallow bits, eating those first. When she noticed Alex's scrutinising gaze she paused. "What?" she asked defensively, "The marshmallows are-"

"The best part, I know. I'm not judging you," Alex asserted with a laugh.

He went to the fridge, took out a carton of orange juice and poured his sister a glass. "You know, you didn't have to come back just to pick me up. If Arizona had told me that she couldn't take me to the hospital, I would have asked Jo."

"Jo?" Alex asked somewhat bewildered, as he turned to back to the stove.

"I know Jo's your ex and all, but I think she's cool. I like her. Plus she said I could call her if I needed anything," she informed him. "What happened between you guys anyways?" Alex could feel Amber's inquisitive gaze on his back, as she waited for an answer.

An answer she wouldn't get, because the fact Amber seemed to get along well with Jo made Alex uncomfortable. Why did she have to bring up his ex in the first place? If Amber knew about Jo being Alex's ex-girlfriend, then she could guess she was a sore spot for him, and if nothing else he certainly had no intention of discussing his love life with his baby sister. The only time he'd ever really talked about how Jo had broken his heart was with Meredith and even then it had involved a lot of alcohol.

As he turned around to her, Alex decided to ignore her last question completely and respond by cracking a joke instead. "You like Jo? Does that mean you two bonded over your shared hatred for me?" he said in a self-depreciating tone and laughed.

Amber didn't laugh.

"Jo doesn't hate you," was all she said.

"I know she doesn't," he said. And as he placed a plate with pancakes in front of his sister his eyes asked the question his mouth didn't dare to utter. _Do you?_

He waited a beat to give her the chance to say something, but she kept her eyes focused on the pancakes in front of her to avoid meeting his gaze. "Do you have maple syrup?"

"Sure," Alex sighed. He took the bottle from a shelf and handed it to her.

So Amber's resentment towards him had not magically disappeared over night, he realised while he watched her pour maple syrup over the pancakes. He told himself it was perfectly normal, understandable even. She had probably built up a lot of resentment over the last couple of years and considering she had every right to be angry with him, how could he expect it to disappear from one day to the next?

He had to prove to her he was on her side, that he still cared about her. He figured the best way to do that was by showing interest in her life. The problem was, Alex didn't know how to approach that topic exactly. He didn't even know the most basic things about his sister, like whether she was going to college or not. Whether she had a job or not. He should know those things about his own sister for God's sake! He was tremendously ashamed of having to ask her, but desperate times called for desperate measures, so he decided to just grit his teeth and do it. "So Amber, how have you been doing? Uhm... did you... are you... How is college?"

Amber, who had been eating her pancakes in silence looked up at her brother, shaking her head. "I didn't go to college," she stated matter-of-factly, without the slightest indication of shame.

Alex couldn't hide the disappointment in his eyes, which made Amber roll her eyes at him. "Relax, I'm not a complete disgrace. I have a steady job. Besides, a college education isn't everything, least of all these days."

"Where do you work?" Alex asked, trying to do a better job at keeping the disappointment out of his voice, since he had failed miserably at keeping it off his face.

"I'm working with Uncle Tony," Amber replied simply.

"Uncle Tony?" Alex asked, obviously stunned, "You mean Antonio Solano from Tony's Bar? You work at a bar? That man isn't even your real uncle!"

Amber ignored his last remark. "Great, now you're going all elitist on me? Am I a disappointment because I'm basically a waitress?"

"Don't be ridiculous!" Alex retorted angrily, "One of my best friends here owns a bar."

"Then where's the problem? You practically grew up at Tony's Bar. Dad always took you there," Amber reminded him. "But that's it, isn't it? You resent me working at that particular bar, because it was Dad's bar, because he played music there and because he was friends with Tony." She shook her head, letting out a humourless chuckle. "It's unbelievable, the man is dead, yet he's still public enemy no. 1 for you."

Alex didn't answer. With a lowered head he stared at the surface of the counter in front of him, thinking about his sister's words for a moment. The truth was, she was absolutely right. After all these years and despite the fact he had died over a year ago, Jimmy Evans was still a red flag for him.

And to him it sounded like Amber was following into their father's footsteps, making a living at the exact same bar he had. But it was hardly the only thing bothering him. Amber's whole demeanour was so... harsh. She had always been a tough little girl, but in spite of she also used to be an ingenuous and optimistic kid with a sense of wonder. Now she just seemed jaded and disillusioned, which worried him immensely.

"Look," he said when he finally raised his head to meet her eyes. "I don't wanna fight anymore, so can we just change the subject?"

"Fine with me," Amber said, taking another bite of the pancakes.

"So how was yesterday evening? Did Arizona make you dinner? Did you get along?"

Amber nodded. "Arizona's nice. She didn't exactly cook, she ordered pizza for us. Jo was there and Sofia too. And then," Amber laughed as she remembered something, "then we had a visit from another surgeon from your hospital, April Kepner. You should have seen her! She stormed in and kept ranting about a guy named Jackson, who I assume, is her husband. She went on and on about him and wouldn't stop. I swear she didn't even notice I was in the room. It was... well, an experience to say the least. She's nice though, a bit quirky, but nice."

Alex smirked. "Yeah, Kepner can be a little... intense, but she's cool. They all are. We're all basically like family."

Suddenly Amber's face became grim. "Family, huh? So you're allowed to find a new family, but God forbid I call Tony Solano uncle?"

"Amber, I didn't mean... you're not..." Alex struggled for words.

Amber made a dismissive hand movement towards him. "You don't have to explain anything," she said, her eyes still dark, "I get it now. You have this beautiful house, an amazing job and all those great new friends. People respect you here, value you. That's more than you ever had in Iowa, right? It's like you've got this whole new life. And there's just no room for your white trash family in it." She stood up and turned to leave.

"Amber!" Alex went after her and grabbed her shoulder to stop her from leaving. "Listen, I know I did a crappy job at taking care of you guys in last couple of years and you think I abandoned you and forgot about you, but that's not true. I thought about you a lot. I see you in every cheeky little girl at the hospital and every smart-mouthed teenager. I haven't forgotten you," he repeated forcefully.

Amber wheeled around, shaking her head incredulously. "Is that supposed to comfort me? That you practically replaced me with your sick, little patients? What does that even mean, every smart-mouthed teenager reminds you of me? You don't know how I was as a teenager. You weren't freaking there!" she yelled.

When she walked towards the entrance door, Alex didn't try to hold her back anymore. He bit his lip, a pained expression in his eyes as he watched her go.

"I'll wait in the car. Just bring me to Mom, okay?" Amber said before she closed the door behind her.

* * *

They didn't exchange one word during the whole car ride. As soon as they arrived at the hospital, Amber jumped out of the car and was gone.

Alex decided it was probably best to leave her alone so he didn't go after her to their mother's room like he had initially planed to do.

He didn't want to miss his mother's CT appointment though. Which is why, at 9:30 he turned up in the CT booth where Meredith watched Jo explain the machine to Helen and Amber in the CT suite. For a moment he considered going in there himself to reassure his mother, tell her the CT was safe and that no one was going to hurt her here. But considering the tension between him and his sister, he figured he should let her handle the situation.

"Hey, you're not supposed to be in here," Meredith said when she noticed him standing beside the door, focused on what was going on behind the window. "In case you've forgotten you're not a doctor on this case."

"I haven't forgotten," Alex assured her as he sat in the swivelling chair beside hers. "I'm not here to intervene or anything, I just wanna see the scans... And I wanna avoid my sister. Turns out talking to her is like walking through a mine field, every wrong word could set off a bomb."

Meredith sighed sympathetically. "Oh yeah, sister troubles. I've had my fair share of those."

"I know. Do you have any advice for me? How I can fix this?"

Meredith swerved back and forth with her swivelling chair, while she thought about Alex's request. "I'm not sure I'm the right go-to person for this. Between Maggie and Lexie, I used to be the bitchy, mean sister," she pointed out.

Alex nodded. "Yeah, that's true."

"Hey!" Meredith exclaimed and kicked her foot against his knee.

"What? I was just saying you're right." He rolled away with his chair so she couldn't reach him anymore.

Before Meredith could reply, her attention got caught by what was going on in the CT suite. "Okay, why is your sister getting into the CT machine and not your mother?" she asked with a confused frown.

Alex rolled back to the control panel with his chair, so he could see what was going on. "She probably just wants to prove to her there's nothing dangerous about the CT, that it's not part of some alien conspiracy, who are out to get her."

Meredith nodded understandingly as her hand moved to the speaker button. "But your sister doesn't have to do that. I'm gonna tell Wilson to test the CT for your mother."

"No, don't," Alex held her back. "It's not gonna work with Jo, because my Mom doesn't know Jo and she doesn't trust strangers. Just let Amber do it."

Meredith looked at Alex with a mix of surprise and pride. "What?" he asked slightly rattled.

"Nothing. It's just sometimes I forget that you had to grow up before any of us had to. And I'm kind of impressed how easily you fall back into that role, taking care of your Mom and all."

"Yeah well, you had to grow up, when your mother got Alzheimers."

"True, but at least I got to wait till my 20s."

Alex remained silent. He was not interested in being flattered concerning his mother, when he hadn't even done much since her arrival. It was Amber who was carrying all the responsibility. It was Amber who had carried it for years.

He wished he could make her realise it didn't have to be that way anymore, that he was here to help her now, but she kept pushing him away. The possibility that it was too late to fix his past mistakes made his heart sink.

Meredith, who seemed to sense what he was thinking, interrupted his thoughts. "Do you know what Lexie did once to get through to me, to get me to like her? She came to me, listing 5 random facts about herself. For example that she could draw really well on an Etch-a-sketch or she played the trombone and hated apples. And then she said to me 'That's five things that I'm hoping will make it a little bit harder for you to hate me.'"

Alex managed weary smile to show he appreciated her effort. "That's a nice story, but it won't work with Amber."

"Yeah, I thought so. It's just that your reunion with your sister made me think of Lexie. I miss her...," she said, her voice thick.

Great, Alex thought, not only had he ruined Amber's mood this morning, now he was responsible for making Meredith think of her dead sister. He wanted to say something comforting, but Meredith went on, before he got the chance to open his mouth. "Anyways, what I wanted to say is, I'm sure your sister will come around. I did. Just give her some time."

Alex nodded slightly. "I hope you're right."

"Don't you know I'm always right?" she said with a grin. Then she got serious again, "By the way, I'm sorry Wilson is involved in this case. I had no idea she was scheduled for my service, when you asked me to take over your mother's case. I thought about dismissing her, but... I can't abuse my power as a superior like that."

"It's okay, I wouldn't have wanted you to do that anyways. Besides, she and I talked yesterday and we're good now. I'm moving on," he said as he watched Jo, who had turned her back on them, through the window.

Meredith studied him, a doubting expression on her face which made it apparent she didn't believe him.

But what was he supposed to tell her? The sad and sappy story of how, when he tried to fall asleep at night, his body would - almost involuntarily - roll to the right side of the bed, because it was where Jo used to sleep? And that in that blissfully ignorant state of half-sleep, it was like she was still lying next to him, as if he only had to snuggle closer to her and he'd be able to wrap his arm around her abdomen, and with his head cupped into that soft hollow between her shoulder and neck he'd fall asleep to the throbbing of her pulse against his cheek?

Humans are creatures of habit, so Alex told himself the only reason he still missed falling asleep next to Jo was because it was what he had done almost every night for the last two years. It was a habit, nothing more. It just took some time to get over that habit.

But in those rare moments when he was completely honest with himself, he couldn't deny nights were not the only times he missed Jo. He missed working with her. He missed their talks and her smiles. He missed being the reason for her smiles. And he missed her kisses too. He could kiss other women, he could even enjoy kissing other women, but at the end of the day it was Jo's kisses he yearned for. Oddly enough he found himself missing the silly ones most. Like when they were fooling around and Jo would mock him about something and he'd tell her to shut up, but she would keep teasing him, so he'd try to literally shut her up by kissing her. She'd laugh and try to playfully shove him away at first, but eventually she'd cave and when their lips met there was still this little laugh between them, sweet and silly.

Alex didn't want to talk about any of it with Meredith, he didn't even wanna think about it let alone feel it.

"Really, I am moving on!" Alex repeated out loud as if he wanted to convince himself just as much as Meredith.

In fact moving on was what he wanted to do more than anything else. He wanted to be done feeling miserable because Jo dumped him. He had enough on his plate as it was, he didn't need stupid feelings of heartbreak on top of his family drama.

In the room across the window, Alex could see Amber helping her mother into the CT machine. Helen held on to her daughter's hand until the nurse told her she needed to let go. She had to be terrified, Alex was sure of it. He had seen regular patients get severe cases of claustrophobia during CTs. For his mother, who could never shut off her paranoia completely, it had to be hell to get sucked inside that narrow, futuristic looking tube, bright lights all around her. He would have done anything to spare her the anxiety she was going through right now.

In the meantime Jo had joined them in the booth, since her job in the CT suite was done.

It took a few minutes - which to Alex felt like hours - until the loading symbol appeared on the computer screen in front of Meredith, signalling the scans would be ready any moment.

As if they were spellbound Meredith and Alex stared at the screen. When the CT scans finally appeared Jo, who had been waiting a few feet away, came closer to study them, just as Alex and Meredith leaned forward.

Seeing and understanding his mother's CT results felt like a punch to the gut to Alex. His legs and arms felt numb, he didn't feel anything except for this painful knot, which started to spread in his chest.

He didn't hear Meredith telling him she was sorry and that they would fight this. He didn't notice Jo putting her hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently.

He just sat there seemingly paralysed, as one hammering thought run through his mind over and over again.

No. No. _Please_ _no._

* * *

 **Author's Notes: Apologies this update took so long. I can promise the next one will happen much quicker.**

 **Thank you to Sam, who is the best beta reader I could wish for.**


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

"Your mother has stage 2 pancreatic cancer," Meredith said in her doctor voice, a mix of empathy and professional detachment.

Amber had insisted they told her what was going on, before they told her mother which was why they were all standing in front of Helen Karev's room. Meredith with Jo, the doctors on one side, Amber and Alex, the loved ones on the other side. Alex couldn't help but feel like he was on the wrong side of this conversation; he was supposed to be the doctor bringing the bad news. It was a part of his job he hated, but being on the receiving end of the bad news was so much worse than being the bearer.

Pancreatic cancer was the one thing he had hoped his mother didn't have. It was always nasty, always diagnosed late and involved a very long healing process, if that was still a possibility. Sometimes it was just about postponing the inevitable.

"You're mother will have to undergo surgery and chemotherapy afterwards. We're gonna run some more tests, like MRI and PAT scans to get as many details as possible about the tumour beforehand," Meredith explained.

"Wait, why surgery and chemotherapy? Can't you get the whole thing out with the surgery?" Amber asked Meredith.

Meredith shook her head. "The problem with this particular kind of cancer is that it's virtually impossible to recognise early. Once the first symptoms, like weight loss, tiredness or loss of appetite appear, the cancer is usually already advanced by the time it's diagnosed. In your mother's case the tumour has not extended to other organs, but it has grown into major blood vessels. That's why we're going with a surgery and chemotherapy combination."

"Okay... uhm..." Awkwardly Amber gestured with her hands. "Is there anything I can do? Donate blood? Or a kidney? Bone marrow? Part of my liver? Really I'd give anything to help Mom," she urged.

Alex who was standing behind Amber, put his hands on her shoulders. "Amber, it's not that kind of cancer," he told her softly.

Amber wheeled around, her face twisted in a mix of anger and fear. "Yeah, I know that," she yelled at him furiously, "I know it's not that kind of cancer. I just wanted to know if there's anything I can do to help my mom. I might not have a PhD, but I'm not stupid. So can you just let me talk to Mom's doctors and shut the hell up?"

Both Meredith and Jo backed away, obviously shocked by Amber's sudden outburst.

Alex was baffled too, but he could feel his confusion quickly giving way to fury.

Meredith exchanged a look with Jo. "Wilson, I think we better leave and let Miss Karev and Alex process the diagnosis." Turning to Amber and Alex she added, "Let us know when you're ready to break the news to your mother."

As soon as Meredith and Jo disappeared, Alex grabbed Amber's arm and dragged her down the hallway, away from their mother's room. Luckily there weren't any people around, pre-rounds were already over and most visitors came during the afternoon or evening hours. Still, Alex didn't want to risk a public scene and he didn't want to fight in front of their mother either, but his sister had gone too far. She was a loose canon and it was time to set her straight.

"This needs to stop!" He berated her in a scarcely lit closet, surrounded by shelves full of OR supplies. "Obviously you're still angry at me, but I won't let you disrespect and yell at me in front of my colleagues and friends, at the hospital I work. So just say what you have to say. Tell me what a horrible person I am and let's get this over with, because in case you haven't noticed - we got more serious things to worry about right now."

Amber was standing with her arms crossed over her chest. In order to avoid his gaze she stared at a case with surgical masks on the shelf beside her. At his last words she snorted. "Like you worry. Like you even care about Mom, or any of us for that matter," she murmured disparagingly.

"Excuse me? Of course I care!"

Finally Amber released her gaze from the surgical masks, flashing her eyes at him. "Yeah, we've seen plenty of that in the last 12 years. You never visit, you never call."

"I did call," Alex defended himself, "you were the one who stopped answering my calls."

Amber pinned him down with the icily look in her eyes. "Yeah, because I got sick of hearing the same question over and over, 'Is Mom okay?' which later got extended to 'Are Aaron and Mom okay?' You sounded like some distant relative. But kudos to you for always making your check-up calls. And thanks for the money and for making sure Mom had her pills. You always did your duties, didn't you? And you've done them now too. You brought us to your hospital, made your doctor friend take over Mom's case. You even spent a night watching over her. I think that should be enough to look good in front of your friends."

Alex thought that he was ready for this, that he could bear her accusations because he knew he deserved her anger. He thought he had to hear them once, before they could move on. But now he felt her words getting to him. He swallowed hard. "If that's really what you think of me, why did you even call?"

Amber shrugged her shoulders. "Mom needed a doctor, you are a doctor," she explained pragmatically.

"Amber, I know I wasn't there for you guys enough, but..."

"You think that's the only problem?" Amber exploded, "That you weren't there for us? What hurts just as much is you didn't let us be part of your life. For God's sake you got shot and we didn't know about it."

"I didn't want you guys to worry, okay? It wasn't even that bad." It was a lie, but the truth would only make things worse.

"You didn't want us to worry? It was a gunshot wound, for God's sake!"

"How did you even find out I got shot?" Alex inquired, trying to steer the conversation into another direction. He was pretty sure newspapers only mentioned the casualties by name, which is why he had never worried much about his family in Iowa finding out he had been involved in the shooting.

"Oh that's a funny story," Amber replied with fake enthusiasm. "It was right after you visited me at the hospital. Remember that? You could barely even look at me and you were in such a hurry to leave."

Alex lowered his eyes, ashamed of the memory. As if that was the desired reaction Amber carried on. "Anyways, afterwards I did some channel surfing in my hospital bed and guess what? There he was again, my big brother, in this nice little documentary they did about the aftermath of the shooting, 'Seattle Medical: Road to Recovery'. Interesting documentary, really. I think I learned more about you in that 45 minutes feature than in the last 12 years put together."

She blinked, struggling with what she was about to say next. "I remember you had a pretty remarkable case back then. That little girl with the cancer in the trachea, right? You created a completely new one for her from scratch. How impressive was that? And how devoted you were to that little girl, wasn't that cute?" she sneered. "You sang for her, you joked around with her and in the end she took you to school like you were a freaking science project."

Alex did not like how this conversation was developing. He would have never ever wanted for his sister to see that documentary. "Amber, I..."

"No, it's alright. You said it yourself, you have a new family here. And you became a surgeon. You got married and divorced. You bought a house. We just weren't meant to be part of any of it. I guess the fact there isn't even one single picture of us at your house should have been enough of a hint."

"Amber…"

"No, don't 'Amber' me," she cut him off. "You completely shut us out, so don't say you didn't! It's like we don't even exist in your life. But hey, you came to pay us a visit when shit hit the fan and Aaron joined the ranks of the crazy, so thanks for that, Alex. I'm glad you could spare a few hours of your precious time."

Alex couldn't take any more. "Goddamn it, Amber what do you want me to say?" he asked desperately, "That I'm sorry I left Iowa? I'm not sorry! I had to get away from that place, don't you get that? I had to! I needed a break from all the responsibilities and obligations. Do you know how that is, when you're a kid but you constantly feel like you're the only adult in the family? Like you have to take care of everything, because there is nobody else - literally nobody - you can count on? And in the end you still feel like a screw-up, because no matter what you do it can never be enough, it's never good enough. Just for once I wanted to be free of that feeling. Just for once I wanted to have fun and not think about the consequences. Just for once I wanted to not be the grown-up, the reasonable one everybody depended on. Can't you understand that?" It was a lousy explanation, but it was the only one Alex could give, because it was the truth.

Amber's reply was merciless, "Just for once? In case you haven't noticed it turned into 12 years. So what I understand is that you're a selfish ass, who doesn't care about anybody else but himself."

Something shattered inside of Alex when Amber said those words, practically spit them at him. Ass. Selfish ass. It was not an uncommon insult for him. He'd heard it a thousand times over the years. At that time it hadn't bothered him, because he hadn't given a damn about people's opinion of him, or at least that's what he'd told himself. Plus, the way he had acted back then had probably rightfully earned him people's abhorrence.

But hearing the words out of his sister's mouth, her eyes full of disdain when they used to be full of adoration - it hurt like a cut from a knife.

Besides the pain, Alex felt something else rise inside him like a geyser. Anger. A kind of fury which bubbled and boiled inside until he gave into it because anger was familiar. Anger was safe. Anger was so much better than all the other feelings - hurt, remorse, guilt - which threatened to come up and suffocate him.

Alex narrowed his eyes at Amber, mirroring the contempt with which she was looking at him and hissed through clenched teeth, "And you are an ungrateful, little brat."

Although the closet was only dimly lit, Alex could see how Amber's eyes widened. For just a moment she looked at him as if he had slapped her across the face. Alex didn't allow himself to care about it.

"If I hadn't gone away," he continued, his voice still full of spite. "If I hadn't become a surgeon, who do you think would have paid for Mom's meds? And her psychiatrist or when she had to be committed to the institution? Who do you think paid for your fancy little private school? Do you think I could have afforded a school like St. Xavier with the wage of a bartender?" He knew his words would hurt her, but she was the one who hurt him first. Later he would hate himself for even thinking like that, for giving in to the impulse to spread the hurt around.

Throughout his speech Amber held his gaze defiantly. He could see though, she was about to burst into tears. But she refused to blink and let them out, like it was a victory she wouldn't grant him.

"You finished now?" She asked eventually, still trying to sound tough.

Since he didn't reply she just pushed past him.

As she pulled down the door handle she turned around once more, her eyes still wide open as to keep the tears from falling. "You know, what the worst part is? When I saw that documentary at the hospital I was jealous. Jealous of that dying, little girl... because she had you... and I didn't. I was disgusted with myself for feeling that way but I couldn't help it. But you know what?" she asked as her voice cracked so that the rest came out as a whisper. "Joke's on me. You were never worth missing. So I'm done now. I'm done missing you and I'm done caring about you. Like you've been done for a long time now." That's when she closed her eyes and while her body was shaking from suppressed sobs, she lost the fight against her tears after all.

When she stormed out of the closet Alex made no attempt to follow her.

* * *

 **Author's Notes: I know you guys are dying for some Jolex, so please stay tuned for the next chapter ;)**

 **As always, thanks to my beta reader Sam for her help.**


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

To say Alex felt like crap after making his sister run away in tears was an understatement. It wasn't as if he had never made her cry before. However, there's a difference between fretful tears, shed because she wanted to stay up past her bedtime, and tears born out of pure anguish and disappointment. That had never happened before, he had never made Amber cry like that.

Due to the big age gap and the fact neither of their parents was able to take care of them, the nature of their relationship had always been different than between most other siblings. They had never been the kind of siblings who would break each other's toys out of spite or who would engage in fights about petty things like which TV show to watch. Alex had always been the adult, the parent, and Amber the child. His job was to look after her, to raise her and to protect her. The last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt her. The fact he had done exactly that, not only today, but over the course of the past 12 years as well, burned like acid in his gut.

The thing which kept Alex from beating himself up about the fight with his sister too much was his job. For the rest of the day, Alex followed his usual daily hospital routine and despite the fact there weren't any surgeries scheduled he kept himself occupied with patient councils and post-operative care. As long as he was in his doctor mindset he managed to block out any unsolicited thoughts not connected to his job. The only problem with his method of evasion was it got more difficult once evening came and the hospital got quieter.

He should probably just go home, he thought, while he was sitting at the nurse's station going through patient files he had already checked twice. Or more importantly, he should go to his mother, she had gotten a cancer diagnosis today after all. Or he could go to Joe's and get a drink, or better yet multiple drinks.

With a sigh he stood up. He should really go see Helen. It was what he wanted to do too, he wanted to know how she was doing, wanted to know how she had taken the news. But he also knew his sister was going to be with her and he was not ready to deal with Amber just yet.

For a while Alex prowled through the hospital halls aimlessly, but in his heart he knew where he was drawn too. He was looking for the one person - the only person really - who always had his back and who had never judged him. He had to talk with someone about what had happened with Amber and despite their complicated history he hoped that person still had some understanding to spare for him, even though he certainly did not deserve it.

He found Jo in the radiology viewing room on the second floor. In the faint light of the ceiling lamps she was looking at some X-ray films, pinned to the wall. Quietly Alex knocked against the door. "Hey."

Jo flinched slightly, a flicker of fear in her eyes as she turned around. Once she realised it was Alex standing in the doorway, the look in her eyes changed to a concerned expression. "Hey," she said gently. "How are you doing? Did you see your mom yet?"

Alex shook his head. "No. I... I just wanted to ask you, how did she take the news?"

"Surprisingly well. To be honest she was completely calm, not shocked or upset."

"Okay. I think that's good, right? I mean she's been through so much in her life, I guess at some point you get used to all the crap. Or maybe it's her pills that make her kind of... apathetic?"

Jo shrugged. "That's possible."

Alex stepped closer and motioned at the X-rays behind Jo. "What are you working on?"

Jo followed his gaze, "Oh, these are just X-rays from a patient Dr. Torres and I worked on a few weeks ago. He had a femur fracture and today he came back for a post-op check. I wanted to take a look to see if it's healing correctly."

Alex nodded. "Looks good. You and Torres make a good team."

His eyes lingered on his ex-girlfriend's face for a moment. Now that he allowed himself to look at her properly again and didn't turn his head the other way whenever they crossed paths in the hallways he noticed how exhausted she looked.

Her skin was pale and she had dark shadows under her eyes. He'd noticed them before but hadn't given them too much thought since exhausting nights were anything but uncommon for medical residents. But he started to get a little worried. He hadn't missed the fear-laden look in her eyes, when he appeared at the door. Something was off.

"Are you... are you alright?" he asked carefully.

"Yes, of course I am. Why are you asking?"

"It's just... nothing. You look a bit tired, that's all."

Jo perked an eyebrow at him. "Tired? You look tired is just a fancy way of saying you look like crap. So thanks for the compliment, Alex," she said and laughed to make it clear she wasn't serious, but just echoing the words his sister had said during her first encounter with Alex.

Alex grinned at her joke, but then his face fell. He looked at her thoughtfully, wondering if coming here had been the right decision. Despite the painful break-up Jo was still the person he felt like talking to when he was pondering something, when something was nagging at him. Apparently it wasn't the same the other way around. He was not the person Jo wanted to confide in, which was fair enough, since they were separated. But suddenly Alex had an uneasy feeling he had never been that person for Jo to begin with. The sneaking suspicion he'd sometimes had when they were still together - that he only knew fragments of her - took hold of him again.

Slowly he backed off, thinking about a quick excuse to leave.

Jo tilted her head at him like she was trying to figure something out. "Alex, why don't you tell me why you're really here?" she suggested with a warm, encouraging smile.

He didn't want to tell her, but then again he did. "I had a fight with my sister," he ultimately said with a sigh. "Bad one."

Jo nodded. "Yeah, I thought as much. She seemed pretty... upset when Dr. Grey and I left you two."

Alex laughed dryly. "Upset? Yeah that's one way to put it. She's so different... I don't even know how to talk to her anymore."

"What happened?"

"I said things to her... nasty things. We both did actually. But I encouraged her to say them and then I couldn't take them, called her an ungrateful brat and belittled her for her life choices. Then she told me she was done with me and ran away… crying. She cried because of me and now I don't know how to fix it. I think I screwed it up for good this time."

"Don't even think that!" Jo's voice was firm. "You're family. You can still work this out. You just need to apologise and show her you're not giving up on her. Now that all the ugly things are out in the open, you can go from there. You can still work this out," Jo repeated.

Alex shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, maybe you're right. It's just... she's..." Alex struggled to find the right words to express what was going on in his head. There was something hovering at the back of his mind, an uncertain fear he couldn't quite grasp yet.

"She's not like I imaged her to be as a grown-up. And she's not living the life I would have wanted for her." He went over to the X-ray films on the wall, staring at them, without really seeing them. "We used to take Amber to the park a lot, when she was little. Aaron and I, we took turns. Or sometimes we all went together, even Mom," he said, starting to pace the room.

"It was a crappy park, but it had a swing and that's really all Amber needed to keep her occupied. She could sit on this thing for hours and not get bored. She was really crazy about swings back then." He laughed as he remembered those old, faded memories which hadn't included fighting or chaos. "And she used to be one of those kids balancing over curbs with their arms stretched out, trying not to fall off. It was a simple life, but somehow it was enough for her. Thinking back to how she was then, it kills me to see how bitter and jaded she has become. She used to be a happy little girl, who was always laughing. And that..." He trailed off, desperately running his hands through his hair while he tried to regain control over his voice.

He felt tears burning in his eyes as he finally admitted what he really was afraid of. "That's exactly what Jimmy said about me, when he was here. That I was a happy kid and that he fixed that for me. And I... I'm the one who fixed it for Amber."

"Alex, you're not like him," Jo said, her voice soft, yet full of resoluteness.

Helplessly Alex raised his hands. "Maybe in the grand scheme of things I'm not, but what if I am to her? He left us, I left them. It's the same damn thing. What if I am to her what he was to me? That one person who ruined your life so badly, you hate them forever and can't forgive them? I think... I think I've lost her, Jo. I think I've really lost her." The thought was so terrible Alex yelled it out.

Jo went over to him to stop him from pacing. "Alex, stop! Hey, listen to me!" She put her hands on his face so he had no choice but to look her in the eyes. "You are not like Jimmy. This is not the same situation. Things might look bad right now, but Amber will forgive you. Underneath all the anger she still cares about you. I know you can still fix this. You are not your father!" she reiterated, while she looked at him as if she wanted to drill the words into his head, so they would finally get through to him.

As he got lost in Jo's eyes, Alex realised something. Unlike himself, unlike his sister, Jo was not jaded or cynical. She had been through the worst crap - maybe he didn't know half of it, but he had heard enough to know she'd have every excuse to be a bitter and jaded person. Yet she wasn't.

It's not like her past hadn't left any scars at all. Jo could be insecure, at times her trust issues got the best of her, sometimes she jumped to the wrong conclusions about people. Alex was aware of those things. But despite her flaws she had a big heart and she was kind. When she laughed, it was so genuine you wouldn't guess how much she'd had to overcome. The girl with the fairy costume and the stolen doughnuts had not allowed the world to make her hard. For that he had loved her. For that he loved her still.

And before Alex knew what was happening, he was kissing her.

She was right there, saying all the right words and she was so good and he was anything but and that's why he needed her so much. She had always been the light to his shadow and in that moment he needed her light more than ever. So he just closed his eyes, slid his arms around her waist under her lab coat and stole that kiss.

Somewhere in the back of his mind Alex was aware what he was doing was wrong. He almost readied himself to stumble an apology, because he was sure Jo would push him away any moment. However, the moment went by and then another one and Jo was still in his arms, kissing him back just as avidly as he kissed her.

A few stray tears rolled down his cheeks as the pain and pressure accumulated in the last two days finally found an outlet. Jo moved her hands to hide them under her palms, like they were a secret she promised to keep for him.

Maybe the impetuous, desperate kiss should have made him ashamed of his own neediness. Certainly he should have been embarrassed for basically crying while kissing her. Later he probably would be. But all he really cared about right then was being close to her.

Alex's skin prickled as he took in every detail: her hands still on his face, her nose grazing his, the taste of her lips, soft and familiar.

"I'm sorry, I can't," Jo said as she withdrew herself at last.

"I know," Alex said, although he didn't. He didn't know anything anymore. "I'm sorry."

Jo lowered her gaze to the floor and shook her head as if she couldn't believe what she had just done. "I-I need to go."

She left the room so fast it was almost as if she was running from him. Alex stayed behind looking after her flapping lab coat and tried to make sense of what had just happened. For a second, he considered the possibility that the kiss had only happened because she felt sorry for him, that it was a pity kiss. But he discarded the thought immediately. You don't kiss someone the way Jo had kissed him, if you didn't mean it.

Slowly he went down the hallway, a variety of emotions rushing through him, mostly confusion, but also... hope.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

She should probably go inside, Amber thought as she looked up at the night sky above her. There were barely any stars visible, because the lights of the city were too bright, but the moon hung over her like a nightlight, which she found absurdly reassuring. She was a long way from home, but the moon was the same everywhere.

She should really go inside though. She was sitting on a bench in the hospital's ambulance bay and she probably wasn't even allowed to be out here. Half an hour ago a doctor had passed her, the one with the red hair who Amber knew to be the Chief of the hospital and who always looked kind of pissed. Walking past her he'd thrown an angry glance in her direction, presumably to indicate she wasn't supposed to sit out here, and the only reason why he hadn't chased her away was probably because she had been crying. Amber didn't care either way, it was the first relatively quiet place she had found in this hospital and she desperately needed some alone-time.

She felt embarrassed. Embarrassed for having made a scene in front of Dr. Grey and Jo. Embarrassed for freaking out over an innocuous sentence like "We're all basically like family". It was that sentence which had cut Amber to the core. To her it sounded as if Alex had gotten rid of his old, shoddy family to find a new and better one. She felt stupid for being such a drama queen, for letting it get to her like that, but she couldn't help it.

It started to rain. Again. She'd only been in Seattle two days and to her it seemed as if there was a downpour every other hour.

Amber crossed her arms and tucked her hands under her armpits to warm them. She should have brought her jacket out with her. The canopy above her protected her from the rain, but it couldn't protect her from the cold.

Why couldn't she just be happy for Alex? Happy he had found a place where he felt at home? Happy he had friends he was so close with?

Back home he'd never had friends. Girls yes, but not friends. He'd always been an acquired taste, at least to people who didn't know him. Not to mention Alex had had a way of making sure people didn't get to know him, not the real him anyways. He never trusted people easily, but he obviously trusted the people in this place. Which was a good thing, Amber reminded herself. It was petty and childish to begrudge her brother his new life when his old one had been so hard.

For Amber, her childhood home had always been filled with love, which was why her broken, little family had been enough. But the home she's had wasn't quite the same Alex had had, she knew that. He'd grown up with a mother who had been unable to mother and a violent and drunk father only to be shipped between foster homes.

Picturing it was hard enough, how hard must it have been for Alex to live through? That wasn't even taking into account all the responsibility he'd been shouldering. And in contrast to her, Alex never had two dedicated older siblings, who made up for the lack of parental guidance as best as they could.

Nobody ever looked out for Alex.

Considering the circumstances could she really blame him for leaving? No, she couldn't. If she was entirely honest, she had felt the urge to pack her bag and leave all the craziness behind plenty of times herself in the last five years. Wanting to take a break from all the responsibility and obligations was something she could relate to.

So it wasn't like Amber couldn't see where her brother was coming from.

But what was it then? Why couldn't she find it in her to forgive him?

Suddenly, seemingly without a noise, Alex appeared in front of her. "The Chief sent me to get you. Visitors are not allowed in this area."

"I'll be gone in a minute," Amber replied, tight-lipped.

Alex nodded and went back inside, but he came back out almost immediately, holding out a jacket for her.

There was no simple answer. Alex had had every right to leave and live his own life for a while. But did it excuse the fact he never came back, not even to pay them a visit? Did it excuse cutting his family out of his life completely? Did it excuse how he missed half of Amber's life?

She studied the jacket he'd dropped on her lap. It was blue and had the hospital logo embroidered at the front.

Deep inside she knew Alex's attempts to reconnect with her as well as their mother were genuine, but that didn't change the fact that he had not been there for them in 12 years. He was the person she had always looked up to, and thinking about how easy it had been for him to walk out of their lives - her life, still pained her. So what if she let him back into her life now and he disappeared again? What if he hurt her again?

The jacket was way too big for her, but at least she wouldn't be cold anymore. She grabbed it and put it on without saying a word, which Alex took as his cue to go.

Hating him was the easy thing to do. She could choose to be angry at him forever and spare herself from the very real chance of him letting her down again.

Or... or she could choose to take a risk and start to forgive.

* * *

"I do understand it," Alex heard Amber shout behind him.

He turned around, his forehead crinkled into a frown. "What?"

"What you said today," she explained, "About being sick of all the responsibility and just wanting to get away from it. The truth is, I've felt that way a lot myself lately."

"Okay," he said carefully as he sat down beside her, glad she finally seemed willing to talk reasonably.

"You have no idea how many times I thought about packing a suitcase and just disappearing. Mom is... I love her, but sometimes it's so hard... and then Aaron got sick too and things got even harder." She fixed her gaze on a spot in the distance. "I hate myself for thinking like that, but sometimes I just wanna leave all the painful shit behind me, take off and backpack through Europe or something."

He tried to reassure her. "Amber, you don't have to feel bad for-"

"No, let me say this please, before I change my mind," she interrupted him. "My point is that I understand why you had to leave. And it wasn't why I was angry at you. In fact I wasn't angry at you most of the time. I was just sad and I missed you. It was when Aaron came home after he got his hernia fixed and told me that you got married and were about to get a divorce that my sadness turned into anger. Because that's when I realised that you've completely moved on from us. Your life was happening without us and ours without you and you didn't care."

"But that's not true. I did care," Alex protested.

"Then why did you never visit us? Or why did you never invite us to Seattle?" Amber asked.

Alex took a deep breath. "I don't know Amber. The truth is I don't have a good answer for you. Like I said, I needed a break from everything for a while, but I never planned to stay away forever. I really didn't. It's just that life was happening so fast and one year turned into three and suddenly it was seven years and I felt like I was past ever going home. I guess I was afraid of this here," he gestured at them both. "I thought you'd hate me and so would Aaron and Mom wouldn't recognize me anymore. I figured taking care of you guys from a distance would be enough. It didn't occur to me you could miss me that much."

Amber shook her head disbelievingly. "God, you're a real moron."

"I've heard that before," Alex said with a self-deprecating smirk.

For a while they sat in silence. Amber was probably contemplating whether his feeble attempts of explaining his stupidity were valid enough to forgive him.

The rain had stopped and the air was filled with that pleasant post rain smell, when Amber started speaking again. "One thing I don't understand is why you kept Dad's guitar and yet there's not a single picture of Mom or Aaron or me in your house?"

The fact Amber knew about the guitar meant she had been snooping around in his room. Alex was not delighted about it but instead of reprimanding her for it he decided to answer her question. "I kept the guitar because to me it was not so much Dad's as it was ours. On the back there are still the Hello Kitty stickers you put on it, when you were little, and I used to play music on it for Mom when she was going through a bad patch. Do you remember that?

"Billy Joel," Amber mumbled.

"Exactly. As for the pictures, I still have some - framed ones even - somewhere in the attic. I used to have them on a shelf in my old place, but they always made me feel guilty for walking out on you guys, so I never even unpacked them, when Meredith offered to let me move into the house."

Amber acknowledged his explanation with a silent nod.

"But that doesn't mean that I didn't miss you guys or that I stopped loving you," he asserted.

He put his hand on her arm to make her look at him as he went on. "I'm sorry if I ever- no, I'm sorry _that_ I ever made you feel like you're not part of my life or my family anymore, I never meant to hurt you and you gotta know you'll always be my baby sister and I will always love you."

"See, that's the problem, though. Who you missed and who you... love is the little girl with the braids, but that's not me anymore. Hasn't been for a long time. So how can you say you love me, when you don't even know me? The truth is, I don't know you and you don't know me."

She had a point, but Alex wasn't willing to give up so easily. "Then let's change that, okay? Let's get to know each other again. How about we play a game? I tell you something and you tell me something. What do you want to know? Really, just ask and I'll tell you everything. Anything."

Amber pondered his suggestion for a moment, while she stared at the shimmering reflection of one of the streetlights lining the ambulance bay driveway on the wet concrete. "Any question?"

"Any question," he confirmed. "But it goes both ways, alright? You'll have to be honest with me too, when it's my turn."

Amber glanced at him hesitatingly, but eventually she posed her first question. "How... how bad was it really when you got shot?"

Alex sighed. First try and she was already picking the sensitive topics. "It was pretty bad to be honest. I came close to... you know. Awfully close."

"God Alex, why didn't you call us?" She looked at him with sad eyes, which contradicted the reproachful tone of her voice.

His hands on his lap clenched up into fists as his thoughts went back to that day. The excruciating pain as the bullet hit him - like an explosion in his chest. How the pain faded as he got closer to the other side and how it got so much worse as Sloan and Lexie tried to save his life without the benefit of anaesthesia.

"I don't know, Amber. I wanted to, I did. While I was lying in that elevator in an ever growing puddle of my own blood, slowly losing consciousness, I thought about all the things I screwed up in my life, like letting my wife go, abandoning my family. And I thought if I would only get another chance I would fix it all."

"Then why didn't you?"

"Because I'm a coward? Because it was easier to fall back into old habits? Because I thought why worry you guys when everything was going to be fine?"

Suddenly Amber put her hand over the knot his right hand had turned into. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't have asked. I didn't want to open up old wounds. I'm so sorry this happened to you."

Alex smiled at her, both surprised and touched by the gesture, then he opened his fist and she let her small hand slip into his.

"My turn?" he asked and Amber nodded. "Why didn't you go to college?"

Now it was Amber's turn to sigh. "I did go to college, for a while. It just didn't work out, you know... Mom... and Aaron. I... I couldn't make it work. Unlike you, unlike Aaron, I didn't have any more backup left." She smiled sadly, "I ran out of Karev siblings to hand the torch over to."

Alex didn't ask why she hadn't asked him for help, when things had started to overwhelm her. He knew the answer. She had been too proud. Besides, he could hardly expect her to call the guy who had left her to fend for herself after some one - her own brother - had tried to kill her. He looked at her ruefully. "I'm sorry."

Between his cowardice and her pride they'd missed countless opportunities to reconnect. This was their first real conversation in years and they had a lot of catching up to do. As they were cautiously rebuilding a bridge between both their lives, they even allowed themselves to not think about their mother for some time.

Alex asked Amber about Aaron and she told him he was doing relatively fine. He handled his illness responsibly and managed to keep it in check thanks to meds and regular visits at the psychiatrist's office. He had changed though. He had become quieter, more introverted. Alex's heart grew heavy when he heard that. Aaron had always been such an out-going guy, tough but optimistic. He hated the thought his mental illness had dimmed his spirit.

"We live in the same house," Amber elaborated, "but he is avoiding me. I know it's because of what happened five years ago." Almost involuntarily Amber's hand rose to the scar on her forehead. "I've never blamed him for attacking me, but I think he just can't forgive himself. So we live our lives side by side, but we barely talk and I don't know how I can make him realise he needs to forgive himself. He thinks it's best for me, if he just keeps his distance. But what I need is my brother. We were always so close." Disheartened she looked up at Alex. "We were like allies, the ones who got left behind. And I miss how it was before everything went to crap."

Comfortingly Alex patted her arm. "You'll figure out a way to get through to him eventually."

To take her mind off Aaron, Alex asked her about her job at the bar. As it turned out Amber was much more than a regular bartender. She was handling deliveries of beverages and supplies alike and Tony Solano had taught her how to do the books. More than anything else she was the old man's right hand. Since he didn't have any family left he had even offered to sign the bar over to her when he was ready to retire.

Alex swallowed hard, when she told him that. She deserved so much better than some old bar, even if it was going to be hers. "Are you... are you taking his offer?" he asked anxiously.

"I don't know," Amber conceded. "I like it there, I know the people and the people know me. And Uncle Tony has been a real support to us. I don't wanna let him down."

"Look, I think it's great you're so loyal to him, but I want you to remember it's alright to put yourself first sometimes too, okay? The man isn't even your real uncle."

Amber rolled her eyes at him. "Are you not Uncle Alex to your friends' kids? To Sofia for example? And you're not related to her either."

"You've got a point," Alex admitted "Look, I just don't want you to do it because you feel obligated to, or because you don't think you have any other options?"

"I appreciate your concern. It's a big decision, I know that. I definitely never pictured myself as a bar owner," she chuckled. Then her tone got serious, wistful almost. "I was going to go into Information Technology. It was my major at college before I dropped out."

"IT? Don't tell me you're a hacker."

Amber grinned, "I wouldn't say hacker, but I'm good at finding information when a simple Google search won't do."

"Jeez, You better be careful with that stuff, otherwise the FBI or Homeland Security might turn up at your door one day," Alex said, shaking his head in amusement. "No, but in all seriousness Amber, if this is what you're good at, if this is what you're passionate about, you should pursue it. You should go back to college if that's what you want. We'll find a way to make it work."

Amber nodded vaguely. "Yeah maybe... we'll see. It's definitely my passion, but first we're gonna get rid of Mom's cancer."

"Right," Alex slapped his thighs and got up. "Shall we go inside to check on her?"

Amber hesitated. When Alex caught her gaze, he noticed a painful vulnerability in her features. "Alex? I was wondering... are you ever afraid you'll get sick? Like Mom? Not the cancer, but-"

"You mean the schizophrenia?" He sat down again. "No, I'm not too afraid. Sometimes the thought crosses my mind, in my 20s more than now, because that was the age when Mom got sick. But probability to get schizophrenia decreases with age, so I'm not thinking about it too much anymore. And you shouldn't do that either, Amber. You have no control about this whatsoever, so don't torture yourself by overthinking it."

"Yeah, you're right. It's just… people always say I look just like her. I know it's true, I see it every morning when I look in the mirror," she said, her eyes brimming with tears. "And then I wonder, is this the day I finally snap? I mean, it happened to Mom, it happened to Aaron, what if I'm next?"

Alex felt a familiar stab in his chest - guilt for having left his sister alone to deal with their mess of a family. She shared a house with two family members suffering from a mental illness, of course that would get to her, of course she would be exceedingly frightened to end up like them.

He wrapped his arm around his sister's shoulders and pulled her close. "Hey, don't even think that, okay? You're not gonna snap, it's not gonna happen, I promise."

"Didn't they teach you not to make promises you can't keep, Dr. Karev?", Amber sniffled.

"Yeah, but you're not one of my patients, you're my sister," he pointed out as he planted a kiss on the top of her head. "Besides, you're not all Mom. You totally have my nose."

His lame attempt to cheer her up produced a weak laugh. Amber sat up, wiped her eyes and freed herself from his embrace so she could look into his eyes. "Alex? If I go crazy after all, will you play something on the guitar for me to bring me back to reality?"

It was a silly request, they both knew it. Music was not some magic cure for schizophrenia. It just so happened to work as a stress relief for their mother, to keep her occupied and shut the voices out for a while. What Amber was asking, what Alex knew she was asking was _Will you be there for me, when I need you?_

"I got this covered. I think I still know some Billy Joel songs."

"Oh God, no! Please, no Billy Joel. That is so not my kind of music," Amber groaned, "No, I like Oasis. _Don't Look Back In Anger_."

Alex perked an eyebrow at her. "That's kind of ironic, don't you think? Can I take the title literally?"

Amber raised her arms in a defensive manner. "What can I say, it's one of the best songs in the history of music. And yeah, I guess you can take the title literally," she snickered, then her expression got serious again. "Just give me some time. Twelve years is a long time but I'm trying, okay?"

His lips curled into a smile. "Okay."

* * *

 **Author's Notes: There's no Jo in this chapter, but I can assure you it's the last chapter where she doesn't play a major role. If you're wondering why Alex and Amber didn't talk about her, I promise it's coming. I just thought the chapter was long enough already.**


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

 _"Josephine... Josephine... Josephine..."_

Someone was calling her name and even while sleeping Jo somehow knew it was real and not a dream. Her eyes fluttered as she tried to cross the barrier between sleep and waking, but before she could open her eyes properly a hand was violently pressed against her mouth.

Panic-stricken she jerked her eyes open wide. The grip on her mouth was so rigorous, she had trouble breathing.

Her blood was running cold. Where was she? What was happening to her?

She started to thrash about to shake off the hand on her mouth. When that didn't work, she tried to calm down and started to frantically inhale air through her nose, so she wouldn't suffocate.

As her brain was getting enough oxygen again, the on-call room snapped back into her conscience. She was lying on the bottom bunk of an on-call room bunk bed; above her she could see the frame of the top bunk.

Her eyes wandered to the side, trying to catch a glimpse at the owner of the hand, clutched around her mouth like a vice. That's when the hand came off and the person started to laugh, a mean, gloating laugh. Jo recognised the irritating laugh immediately. As she turned her head she was staring into the face of Lionel Baker, crouching beside her bed. "Oh, did I scare you?" he asked innocently.

Jo sat up, but found herself unable to speak. Her heart was palpitating rapidly with fear, her limbs felt weak and unstable. She swallowed and took a few shaky breaths to calm down.

"I'm terribly sorry Jos..., Miss W... oh shoot! I can never get this right, can I? I mean, of course I'm sorry, _Dr. Wilson!_ I'm really sorry if I scared you." Baker had gotten up and was now looking down on her, arms akimbo. The amused expression on his face made it all too clear he didn't mean what he was saying.

"I just wanted to check in on you, ask how you're doing. How are you doing, Dr. Wilson?"

Jo kept silent. No longer shell-shocked, her blood had started to boil. She couldn't believe to what lengths this man would go to frighten and mock her. It was like he was some mad puppet master and she his favourite doll.

"I miss having you on my service, you know?" he continued. "I mean, don't get me wrong, it's definitely nice having residents by my side who actually know how to do surgery for a change. The other residents in your class are all pretty talented, but don't feel too bad, Josephine. Sometimes the best students make the weakest surgeons. Some just don't have it in them, you know? And y-"

But Jo didn't let him finish. She was done listening to his insults, she was done being silent, done being passive. In her anger and distress she ignored the wobbly feeling in her legs, leaped up and pushed the older surgeon against the wall. "You sick bastard! Why can't you just leave me alone?"

For a moment Baker seemed startled, but he quickly regained his poise. He grinned at Jo, then he grabbed her wrists, pivoted blazingly fast, yanked her around and suddenly it was Jo, who was pressed against the wall. Baker pinned her arms against the wall, just like he'd done on the day he arrived at Grey-Sloan, just like he'd done on a day four years ago, a day Jo would have loved to erase from her memory forever.

"Oh there it is again, the little psycho bitch you try to hide so compulsively. But make no mistake, just because I'm a cripple doesn't mean I'm feeble and defenceless." he whispered dangerously. As if to prove his words, he tightened his grip around her wrists, cutting off her circulation.

 _I could kick him,_ Jo thought, _I could lunge out with my foot, kick him against his bad leg and he'd fall over like a sack of potatoes._

As if he was reading her mind Baker went on, "I own you, don't forget that. One word from me to the board and everybody will find out you not only gave an OB-GYN resident a brain bleed, but you're also responsible for the disability of one of the world's most renowned cardio-surgeons. Face it, you're my little bitch now." Baker was so close, Jo got sprinkled by his saliva as he hissed the word bitch into her face.

"You might work with other surgeons, but you'll always be mine," he reminded her one last time, before he let go of her and hobbled to the door, where his crutch was leaning. He grabbed it and disappeared.

Rubbing her wrists, Jo sank down on the bed. She crawled into a corner as she felt the adrenaline, caused by a mix of anger and fear, pump through her blood.

Of course Baker would ruin the last place she could find any rest. Her 20-minutes naps during lunch breaks or between surgeries had pretty much become the only time when Jo was able to get some sleep. When she was at home, when it was dark, she always found herself haunted by the ghosts of her past, but at the hospital, exhausted from work, her tired body could sometimes trump her relentlessly rattling mind for a short time. From now on she'd have to lock the door, or she'd never be able to rest again.

Baker liked playing mind games with Jo, but creeping up on her to torment her while she was sleeping in an on-call room was a new one. It gave her an eerie feeling in her gut and sent shivers down her spine - which was probably exactly what he had intended.

She tried to remind herself that his aim was to intimidate, humiliate and scare her, not to actually physically hurt her. Lionel Baker was a vindictive asshole, but he was also level-headed enough not to cross that line. His good reputation and money meant everything to him, he would never risk losing that. Or at least that was what Jo hoped.

She pulled her legs up to her body, closed her eyes and buried her face in her knees. How did she end up here? How did her life turn into this mess? It was almost as if she was sixteen again, living in her car, with everything around her a potential danger. It was as if there wasn't a single place for her which was safe, like she was entirely alone in this world.

But Jo also knew she was only lying to herself. This time she was not alone, or at least she didn't have to be. There was Stephanie. And there was... Alex.

The thought of him brought back memories from three days ago, memories of a kiss she shouldn't have allowed, but had needed just as much as he had. Her longing for him never went away for good, that was why she had let her walls down for a few precious moments as he'd kissed and she'd found comfort in his embrace, although it was he who'd come to her seeking solace.

She wished she could open up to him, but what would happen if she told him everything? If he knew what exactly happened to her, when she was 16, he'd pity her and he'd become overprotective and treat her like some poor, damaged thing. Not to mention he'd hurt for her. She would only cause him pain by telling him that part of her past.

If she told him about how she'd turned her med school teacher into a cripple, he'd lose all respect for her and finally recognise her as the screw-up she was.

And if she told him about Baker blackmailing and terrorising her, he'd try to save her from him and he'd probably do that by knocking out his teeth. Or worse.

Or maybe he'd just wrap her into his steady arms and they'd talk and think about a solution together? She knew he had a bad temper, all the same he deserved to be given the benefit of the doubt.

Either way, she'd drag him into her messed up life and how could she even consider that? He had enough to worry about as it was. His relationship with his sister was clearly improving, but his mother was seriously ill and her surgery was imminent.

Besides, he had said it himself, he was sick of crazy chicks with problems. And right now Jo felt like the textbook definition of "crazy chick with problems."

Telling Alex was not an option. Jo's life had turned into quicksand and it was swallowing her whole, and the last thing she would do was pull Alex down with her. She had done it once, after Jason. Back then she had been too shocked and overwhelmed to do anything about it, unable to think things through, her agitated mind had led her to the one person who'd ever made her feel safe.

This time she wouldn't make that mistake again. She'd stick to her original plan and leave Seattle. Helen Karev's surgery was tomorrow, afterwards she could go to Webber and talk to him about transferring.

Convinced she wouldn't be able to get any sleep after what happened with Baker, Jo got up and left the on-call room to go to the bathroom. Splashing water onto her face she got rid of Baker's DNA on her face, while simultaneously trying to chase away the tiredness as well as her somber thoughts.

Afterwards she left the bathroom and headed towards the elevator, but stopped dead in her tracks at the sight of Alex standing at the elevator, pushing the button with his left hand while holding what looked like a pink bakery box in his right.

If she went over there now she'd be trapped in the excruciatingly slow Grey-Sloan elevator with Alex which was pretty much the last thing she wanted. Ever since their kiss in the radiology room she'd started avoiding him. She couldn't talk with him about the kiss and she was afraid it was the first thing he'd ask her about if he'd ever managed to catch her alone so she made sure that never happened.

In hindsight she wished she hadn't given into the urge to kiss him in the first place, even for just a second. It wasn't fair to make him believe they could ever be anything more than friends or colleagues again, especially considering she wouldn't be in the city for much longer.

Deciding to take the stairs instead of the elevator, Jo quickly turned a corner, hoping desperately Alex hadn't seen her standing in the hallway dumbfounded. It was around lunchtime, the hallways were buzzing with life, Jo tried to reason with herself there was no way Alex would have noticed her between all those people.

Unfortunately, Alex had seen her and it wasn't the first time he'd noticed her turning a corner to avoid him. Any restored hope concerning Jo's feelings for him had long since crumbled to dust. Maybe what had happened in the radiology room hadn't been more than a pity kiss after all. The notion of her feeling sorry for him was all there was to it made his heart sink. It was better to face the truth, though.

As he stepped inside the elevator, he leaned against the back wall and closed his eyes, trying to ban all thoughts of Jo from his mind.

Things with Amber had gotten better, they were finally on the same page. All that really mattered now was for their mother to get healthy again. That was what Alex wanted to focus on, not his stupid aching heart which honestly should have learned better by now.

Alex exited the elevator on the third floor where Helen had her room. He was bringing her chocolate cake, bought from nearby bakery. Her surgery was tomorrow and she'd have to have an empty stomach for that, but there was no reason why he couldn't indulge her with a special dessert today.

As soon as Alex opened the door to her room, his mother welcomed him with a warm smile. Although he dropped by several times a day, her excitement never ceased. Even Amber, who was sitting in the chair by her bed gave him a crooked half-smile when she turned around to say hi.

Alex smiled back at them, glad they were happy to see him.

"Mom, I brought you something," he said as he put the bakery box on her bed.

Helen sat up and took off the lid, revealing two pieces of cake. "Chocolate cake? That's so sweet of you, Alex. Thank you!" She looked around, lifted the box, then took a closer look inside the box, like she was searching for something. Shooting Alex a questioning look she asked, "Uhm... did you bring a fork? Or... how am I supposed to eat this, without making a mess?"

"Oops, sorry, guess I forgot about that," Alex glanced at her apologetically.

Amber rolled her eyes. "Unbelievable, he forgot the cutlery." She jumped up. "Don't worry Mom, I'll get you a fork."

As Amber closed the door behind her, Alex sat down in her chair. The room was still the same from four days ago, except for the fact that the TV was gone. Alex had told some orderlies to take it away.

While they waited for Amber, Helen nervously started scratching the inside of her arm. It was her left arm, where the nurses had taken blood to have it tested. The skin was already red from previous scratching. To stop her from scratching herself bloody, Alex put his hand on her arm. "Mom, don't scratch. I told you nobody injected something into you and nobody chipped you. The nurses just took your blood because we had to find out if you're sick."

Hesitantly his mother stopped scratching, but her fingers were still digging into her arm.

"Hey, Mom, look at me," Alex waited for her to turn her head before he continued. "You trust me, don't you? You know I would never let anybody hurt you, right?"

Helen smiled at him. "Of course I know that, baby."

"Good. Can you do me a favor then? Can you try to trust the people who take care of you here? I swear I know every single orderly and nurse and doctor entering this room. Nobody will hurt you. They only want to help you, okay?"

His mother stared at her fingers on the crook of her arm for a moment and then, like she had to force herself to make a conscious decision, she took the hand away.

"I'm sorry," she said and as she glanced up at her son again, her eyes were completely clear and serious. "I'm sorry, I'm such a burden to you and your sister."

"Mom, you're not a-"

"No, Alexander, don't say I'm not a burden when I know I am. I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid, not quite anyways."

He hated it when his mother used his full name. She was the only person who had ever done that and she only used it when she was scolding or reprimanding him. When he was little she used to say "Don't play with your father's instruments, Alexander or he'll spank you."

When Jimmy disappeared, Helen wasn't relieved - not at first anyways - the only thing she said to her oldest son was, "You chased your father away, Alexander. You take care of your siblings now." Like it wasn't something he had done from the day they were born.

"Don't you think I know I was never a good mother to you and your siblings?" Helen proceeded. "That you were the ones taking care of me, when it should have been the other way around? Don't you think I know Amber paused her own life because of me? Or that you almost killed your father for me, when you were just a boy?"

Her occasional moments of self-awareness were almost worse than the paranoia caused by her illness. It was easier to believe she didn't know she was delusional, but in reality she did know. However, being aware of it wasn't enough to fight it. Her whole life was a constant battle between reason and delusion, but more often than not her delusions won.

A familiar sense of powerlessness took hold of him, as Alex heard her talk this way. Being a doctor, he was used to finding a fix for every injury, a cure for every sickness, yet he was unable to help his own mother.

"Come on, Mom, it's not that bad," he tried to reassure her. "You're not responsible for what happened between me and Jimmy, that's on me. Besides, that was a long time ago, so stop worrying about it. As for Amber, she might go back to college after all. We talked about it the other day. We can make it all work. I'm here now and I won't walk out on you again, I promise."

Alex switched from the chair to his mother's bed to pull her into a hug. "The only thing you need to think about right now is getting well again, okay?"

He held her in his arms until Amber came back, waving three plastic forks at them, like it was a prize she'd won.

She sat down with them on the bed and they all ate chocolate cake together.


	15. Chapter 15

**Author's Notes: Apologies for the late update. I was fighting with a bit of a writer's block, but now I'm back. The next chapter won't take as long, I promise.**

 **Considering what a poor job the show is currently doing with Jo's DV story, I'm getting a bit worried people might turn away from this fanfic, because it's focusing more on Alex's plot as well, but I swear I won't sweep Jo's story under the rug. I'm returning to her narrative very soon and then it's nothing but Jo, Jo, Jo. So please hang in there readers.**

* * *

Chapter 15

 _In surgery, there is a red line on the floor that marks the point where the hospital goes from being accessible to being off limits to all but a special few. Crossing the line unauthorised is not tolerated._

 _Grey's Anatomy, 2x15_

* * *

A nurse wheeled Helen Karev's bed towards the OR, flanked by Alex on the right side and Amber on the left side. On Alex's request she stopped the bed in front of the red line and left to give the family some privacy.

Usually Alex wouldn't care about the damn line on the floor, most of the time he didn't even notice it. From the day he'd first set foot into the hospital he had been among those few allowed to cross it. Even more so, he was meant to cross it. Lives depended on it. But on this day the red line represented a border for him.

Helen reached for her children's hands. "So this is goodbye, huh?"

"This is goodbye for now," Alex corrected, as he bowed down to be on eye-level with his mother.

"Right." She gave him a frail smile. "But I still want you to know that I love you both so much." She squeezed their hands, looking from Alex to Amber. "And I'm proud of you, so proud. Please tell Aaron I'm proud of him too. And that I love him and that I'm sorry."

Jo came out of the OR to let them know everything was ready; it was the first time in four days she actually made eye contact with Alex. Every time he'd seen her in his mother's room or in the hallways lately she'd avoided his gaze, most of the time she avoided him altogether.

Usually, Alex didn't care much about stupid metaphors, but standing at that red line, with him on one side and Jo on the other he suddenly realized she had drawn an invisible line in front of herself as well, a line which separated her life from his, a line he was no longer authorized to cross.

Another thing he realised was he sucked at drawing lines himself. He used to be good at it, excellent even, but not anymore, not with her. He'd tried it for a couple of weeks, but eventually she'd reclaimed a spot in his life. It almost felt as if she'd tricked him, because while he'd let her back into his life, she continued to shut him out of hers.

As Alex was still staring at her, musing over metaphorical lines Jo addressed Helen, "Are you ready, Mrs. Karev?"

Helen hesitated, but Jo gave her an encouraging smile. "I know all this must be pretty scary for you, but you're in good hands. Dr. Grey is one of the best."

"She's right," Alex confirmed, "both Meredith and Jo will take good care of you." He kissed his mother on the forehead, lingering for a moment. "See you afterwards, okay?"

Amber, who had been quiet until now, bent over and kissed her mother's cheek once Alex had stood up and taken a small step back. "I love you, Mom."

With their goodbyes said, Jo pulled Helen's bed down the hallway as Alex and Amber watched them both until they disappeared behind the OR doors.

Alex led Amber to the waiting area where they both sat down on the cushioned chairs among other families, fathers, mothers, wives and children, all unable to do anything more than wait for word their loved one had made it through.

The waiting game wasn't entirely new to Alex, but he knew he'd certainly never get used to it. It made him feel powerless and he hated that feeling.

Amber must have felt powerless too or maybe her inability to sit still was more a sign of anxiety. She was constantly wriggling about in her chair and tapping various beats on the floor with her feet.

An hour was barely up when she suddenly jumped to her feet, mumbled something about fetching some coffee for both of them and walked away.

In the meantime Alex started watching the other people in the waiting area who all had different ways of passing the time, the more collected ones read magazines or newspapers. Some were talking quietly, others were sleeping.

Amber came back and handed Alex a cup of coffee, which he started sipping carefully. He wasn't even half finished with the hot beverage when Amber, who had already emptied her cup, disappeared to fetch herself another one.

"This Whipple surgery can last up to seven hours right?" she asked Alex as she came back, clinging to the steaming plastic cup like it was a life preserve.

"Yes," he confirmed, ignoring the fact she had asked the same question three times already.

Sitting down beside him, she started banging her shoes against the floor again.

Alex couldn't really blame her, waiting rooms sucked. Not to mention the waiting, hoping and worrying for hours was exhausting. No wonder so many people fell asleep in waiting rooms. Time seemed to pass more slowly here like some kind of limbo or purgatory.

He'd almost dozed off himself, when he noticed Amber getting up for another trip - he'd lost track of the exact number - to the coffee machine. Alex stretched his legs to block her way. "Go easy on the coffee, will you?" he grumbled. "You're gonna get a heart attack."

Groaning she fell back into her seat. "What else am I supposed to do? I can't just sit here and wait and do nothing for another 3 or 4 hours."

Alex yawned and gestured vaguely to the people on the other side of the room, "You could sleep."

"I can't sleep while they're cutting Mom open," she argued as she leaned back in her chair.

She fixed her gaze at the ceiling. A few minutes had passed before she sat up suddenly as if she'd just remembered something. Turning her head in Alex's direction she studied him with curious eyes. "So, what happened between you and Jo?"

Alex sighed. "Really? That's what you want to talk about right now?"

Amber nodded. "Full disclosure, remember?"

Alex sighed again. "Jo and I... we just... I thought we were on the same page, but we weren't." The sentence sounded mundane and hollow, even to him.

"Come on, big brother," Amber prompted impatiently, "You gotta give me a little more than that. Remember, I work behind a bar, which basically makes me a shrink. Chances are I could help you?"

Alex rubbed his face to order his thoughts as well as to ward off the tiredness. "She... she just accepted me the way I was," he started over. "She was the first person who didn't make me feel like I had to... change... or become a better person to be good enough. We just got each other, despite our respective crap, or because of it, or... whatever... I don't know... Either way, I thought we were happy, but one day she started cutting herself off. And when I eventually asked her what was going on, she broke up with me. Just like that. Told me she didn't love me, not enough anyways."

"That was her reason?" Amber scrunched her face in disbelief. "Really?"

"Yes, that was her reason."

"But that doesn't even make sense. That night she brought me to your place she kept telling me what a good guy you are and that I should forgive you, blah blah blah. Seriously, she advertised you like she was your PR person. And then there's the way she keeps looking at you, with this... sad melancholy in her eyes, like she's lost the most important thing in her life." Amber narrowed her eyes at her brother. "Did you ever talk to her afterwards? I mean, did you have a real conversation about things?"

Alex averted his eyes as he gave away the last humiliating tidbit of their break-up. "She had a pregnancy scare, which made her realize she didn't want a future with me, let alone my kid. That's really all there was to it. Didn't feel much like talking to her after that."

"Oh shit. I'm sorry about that. But if you ask me, she doesn't act like someone who doesn't love you." Amber bit her lip. "Did you ever consider her reasons for breaking up with you were just a pretence? Maybe there's a whole other reason? Maybe she's in trouble? Maybe there's something she couldn't tell you?"

"And what would that be? What could be so bad she couldn't talk to me about it? What could be so bad she'd rather break up than ask me for help?" Alex asked Amber exasperatedly and a little too loud. Some people looked over at them, throwing offended looks in the siblings' direction.

Frustrated Alex pinched the bridge of his nose to recover his poise. He was not blind to the fact that Jo seemed troubled lately. Something was obviously weighing her down, but what was he supposed to do about it? At this point it seemed like she'd built her wall so high, there was no use in trying to climb it anymore.

"I don't know, but if you have any doubts she wasn't telling the truth then you need to confront her and find out what's really going on with her." In order to avoid drawing any more attention to them, Amber's words came out as a whisper, but her tone was urgent all the same.

Alex shook his head. "I'm not sure I wanna find out anymore. I mean, why can't she just tell me? Why doesn't she trust me? Sounds pretty complicated and I'm sick of complicated, I've had enough complicated to last the next two lives."

Amber tilted her head and pouted her lips. "Aww, poor Alex with all the complicated women in his life, huh?" she mocked him.

With furrowed brows as he glowered at her. "Excuse me?"

The younger Karev laughed to alleviate the tension. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to be mean, but you almost make it sound like you've never screwed up with Jo or the girls before her. But frankly, I doubt having you as a boyfriend is a walk in the park."

Despite himself, Alex's furrow turned into an amused smirk. "So, four days ago you were complaining about not knowing anything about my life and suddenly you're an expert?"

"Oh, I don't need to know every detail of your life to know you can be a pain in the ass," Amber retorted with a grin. "All I need a little self-awareness. We are Karevs and let's face it, Karevs are no picnic."

Alex chuckled, unable to be mad at his sister's insults. "Well, at least you know you're a member of the pain-in-the-ass club too. But still, aren't you supposed to be on my side? She was the one who dumped me, you know? Why are you pushing me towards her?"

"I am on your side," Amber reaffirmed. "I'm not telling you to fight for someone who will make you miserable, but I think Jo might be worth some extra effort. Maybe she's holding back something, maybe she's complicated, but honestly? If you look at her life and what she's been through, doesn't she have the right to be a little complicated or unreasonable or whatever?"

Alex was surprised Amber seemed to be in on Jo's intricate past. She rarely talked about it; even he only knew bits and pieces. Had his sister and his ex become that close in the last few days? He didn't know how he felt about that.

"She opened up about her past to you?"

"Not exactly, but we bonded a bit over the fact we were both foster kids." Her eyes took on a concerned look. "I think she went through some real shit, Alex. And unlike me, she didn't have a single person who took care of her." She lowered her head; her voice was quiet when she went on. "As mad as I was at you, when I think about Jo's story I realize how lucky I actually was. If it weren't for Aaron and you, her life could have been mine."

In a moment of vulnerability Amber shifted closer to her brother so she could rest her head on his shoulder. Alex circled his arm around her, planting a faint kiss at the top of her head. Maybe she was tired enough now to fall asleep.

"Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"About Jo... I think what you're really scared of is getting your hopes up, only for them to get crushed again but I believe it's a risk worth taking. Talk to Jo, find out what's going on with her!"

Alex thought about all the times Jo had stayed with him, although he'd given her a reason to go. Maybe Amber had a point, maybe he'd given up too easily.

After the break-up he just wanted to get away from her as far as possible, talking to her to clear things up for good hadn't even occurred to him. As much as it hurt, Jo's reasons for breaking up with him made sense. They'd been together for two years, but she'd never said 'I Love You' and a potential pregnancy was reason enough to reconsider your life choices. So why should he expose himself to even more rejection by talking this whole goddamn hurtful situation to death? He'd much rather just move on.

On the other hand, he couldn't deny Jo's actions were contradicting her words. The way she was still trying to look out for him, especially since his mother and Amber had turned up, was not lost on him. She was doing it from a distance, obviously anxious not to get involved too much, but she was still there. Well, at least until that night he'd freaked out and kissed her. Afterwards, she'd become more elusive than ever.

But Amber was right, Jo was worth some extra effort. If there was so much as a 1% chance she still loved him, didn't he owe it to both of them to dig a little deeper and try to find out what was really going on with her?

"Maybe you're right, maybe I should talk to her. I'll think about it," Alex said vaguely, still undecided about his next step. At this point he was more than ready to change the subject. "You know what? That's enough about my love life. What about yours? Are there any boyfriends I need to put through the mill?"

Amber shook her head. "Nope, there's no boyfriend for you to grill. And when I take a look at your love life or Dr. Kepner's, I'm actually pretty glad I'm single. She's stressed out about her husband, you're stressed out about Jo. But frankly, I think you guys could spare yourselves so much drama and pain if you'd just communicate with your partners properly. With actual words, I mean."

She sounded so grown up. A surge of wistfulness swept over Alex as he remembered just how much of Amber's life had passed him by. She wasn't a child anymore, and he hadn't been there to watch her become an adult. Her first day at high school, her first boyfriend, her first heartbreak, her senior prom, her graduation - he'd missed all the big milestones in the past 12 years of her life and all the small, mundane things in between as well. A lump formed in his throat as he realised those years were lost to him forever.

Amber shot him an unsettled gaze. "What?"

"Nothing," he replied, trying to keep his voice steady. "I was just thinking, you're really not a kid anymore."

Amber got up and stretched her arms. "Nope, I'm not. Which is why I'm getting myself another cup of coffee and you," she pointed her finger at Alex and smirked loftily, "can't stop me."

Despite his sudden sentimentality, the corners of Alex's mouth quirked upwards as he watched her stride down the hallway. He was proud of the smart and confident young woman Amber had turned into. She put on a tough act and was clearly a bit jaded, but she was also hiding a hell of a big heart and a lot of kindness behind that rough exterior of hers. And although he'd only known her for five days and even though she probably wouldn't have believed him, if he'd told her, he knew he loved his grown up baby sister already.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

If Alex had been somewhat calm before, it changed abruptly once the seven hours were over. From one moment to the next his fear level jumped from moderate to maximum. It was irrational, since Alex knew perfectly well six hours was merely a reference point. A Whipple procedure could just as well take eight hours and it would still be perfectly normal, but one thing Alex knew for sure was the longer a surgery took the more indicative it was of complications.

For Amber's sake, Alex tried to hide his own nervousness. Between her quietness and the way she kept crossing and uncrossing her twitching arms and legs, her impatience and tension was almost tangible. There was no use in fueling her worries with his own, so Alex tried to ignore the cold fist of fear clutching his insides, reached for his sister's hand and gave it an encouraging squeeze.

Outside, it was getting darker by the minute. The later it got the emptier the waiting room became and an uneasy silence started to descend upon the hospital. Or maybe Alex just felt this way because there was a certain solace in the company of other people in hospital waiting rooms, even though they were complete strangers.

There were only three other people left when Meredith and Jo came down the stairs from the first floor almost an hour later.

Alex knew they came bearing the worst possible news, before they even said a word.

His mother hadn't made it.

He could tell by the way Meredith was looking at him, with those big, blue eyes practically drowning in tears she wouldn't let out. He could tell by the way Jo wasn't looking at him at all at first. A treacherous tear ran down her cheek as she kneaded the scrub cap in her hands as if she needed something to hold on to. But when she noticed Alex was searching her eyes to get the official confirmation he still needed, she wiped her face, finally met his gaze and shook her head. "I'm sorry," she mouthed silently.

"We did everything we could," Meredith said, glancing from Alex to Amber, "but there was an abdominal bleeding we couldn't get under control. I'm... I'm so sorry."

Amber shrugged, seemingly unaffected. "Well, I guess that means I can make that backpack trip through Europe after all," she said, before she turned around and dashed off towards the hospital exit.

"Amber!" Alex wanted to follow her, but Jo put a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

"I'll look after her, don't worry."

As he watched Jo go after Amber, he suddenly found himself wrapped into Meredith's arms. "I'm so sorry, Alex."

Almost confused, he hugged her back. On the one hand he knew he needed Meredith's comfort and he appreciated it, but on the other hand he felt strangely detached from the whole scene, like all of this was happening to somebody else. His mind and his heart were completely empty.

They sat down and waited for Jo to come back with Amber, but they didn't return. Eventually Meredith brought Alex to his mother's room so he could say goodbye. Somewhere in the back of his mind the surgeon in him wondered why she had not been brought to the morgue yet, which would have been standard procedure. Patients who died during surgery were never brought back to their rooms unless they were brain-dead and the family had yet to make decisions about life-sustaining measures or about donating the organs.

It was when he was standing in the semi-darkness of the hospital room, staring at his mother's body that the shock, which had shielded him from the pain until then, started to wear off. It didn't hit him all at once though; it was more a gradual process. At first the pain was like a little prick in his heart, similar to the prick of a syringe needle when you get a vaccination, nothing major really. But as the realisation began to sink in, that he'd been reunited with his mother only to lose her for good, the sorrow grew bigger and bigger. Soon, it felt like somebody had reached into his chest to rip out his heart with their bare hands.

When Alex felt like his own legs wouldn't support him for much longer, he fell down on the chair beside his mother's bed. She was half covered with a blanket, but her hands were not tucked in. It looked like she was just sleeping. She looked peaceful, maybe it was because the voices in her head had stopped tormenting her at last.

Alex stared at his mother's hand on the blanket. He wanted to reach out and touch it, but he couldn't move. For some time he just sat in silence, waiting for the pain to pass.

How could he have been such a coward? he scolded himself. How could he have wasted so much time? He wished there was a chance to go back and do things differently, but that wasn't how life worked. If there was one person who knew that it was him.

Alex didn't know how long he was sitting there exactly, but ultimately he realised there was no point in waiting for the pain to pass. Something told him he would never get rid of it for good. So he got up and did what he came in this room to do. He said goodbye to his mother.

"I'm sorry I couldn't save you," he whispered as he bent over her and softly kissed her forehead.

Meredith was waiting for Alex in the hallway. "Are you okay?" she asked as he closed the door behind him.

Alex replied with an uncertain half-nod-half-shrug.

"Wilson called me. She wanted me to tell you she brought Amber home. Do you want me to give you a ride?"

Alex shook his head. "Thanks, but I can drive."

Jo was waiting on the front porch when Alex arrived, underneath her jacket she was still wearing her light blue scrubs. Apparently she'd brought Amber home right away, she hadn't even taken the time to change her clothes.

"She's inside," Jo said, pointing at the door. "She barely said anything in the car. She called your brother, told him what happened. When we got here she stormed into the house and up the stairs. I went after her, but she still wouldn't talk to me, just started throwing stuff into her bag. I think she wants to leave."

Alex blinked. It was strange, he hadn't cried when he'd gotten the news, he hadn't cried in his mother's room, but all of a sudden tears started to betray his vision. "Thanks for bringing her home. I can take it from here."

Jo studied him with worried eyes, but eventually she nodded and for a second it looked like she was about to leave. However, instead of walking past Alex she walked straight towards him, put her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. Alex buried his face in her hair as his body started quivering and he finally gave way to the tears.

He held onto her until he heard noises from inside the house. It sounded like someone was coming down the stairs. Pulling back from Jo, he swiftly wiped his eyes on her jacket. He needed to pull himself together for Amber. He couldn't let her see how he was falling apart. Not yet.

"Hey, come here." Sensing what he was thinking, Jo gently wiped the remaining tears from his cheeks. A look into her eyes revealed Alex wasn't the only one trying to pull himself together. There were tears glinting in Jo's hazel eyes as she - without any particular reason - held his face cupped in her hands a bit longer than necessary. It was almost as if she didn't want to leave him alone.

Upon hearing another thumping from inside, Jo finally let go. "Let me know if you need anything, okay?" Her lips brushed lightly over his cheek before she disappeared into the night.

Behind him the door swung open. Amber stepped out, carrying her travel bag in her left hand.

"Amber..."

She tried to walk past him, but Alex blocked her way. "You can't just leave like that."

"Why not?" she asked bitterly. "There's nothing left here for me."

She attempted to shove her way past her brother, but he made a step to the right and she bumped into his chest. As he tried to enfold her in his arms, Amber forcefully pushed him away and stumbled back. "Don't!" Her gaze was furious. "Don't you dare come close to me. You lost the right to comfort me, twelve years ago, when you decided to walk out on us."

He took her words, but didn't let them affect him. He knew she was only lashing out because she couldn't deal with her grief.

Amber's eyes started to well up, so she bit her lip hard, as if that could keep the tears from falling. Once more she tried to get past her brother, once more he blocked her by trying to pull her into an embrace. The bag fell to the floor as she tried to free herself from him. She squirmed and tried to wriggle out of his grip. When that didn't work she became so desperate, she started flailing around and beat her small fists against his chest. No matter what she tried, Alex didn't let go.

As sorrow ultimately won over anger, she collapsed in Alex's arms and started crying. "This is my fault," she sobbed. "Don't you get it? I should have known something was wrong with her, but I didn't. I was in charge and I didn't see it. Now she's dead and it's my fault."

"Hey, shhh, don't even think that," he walked her to the wooden porch swing beside the door and while he cradled her in his arms and dropped kisses on the top of her head, he reassured her over and over again none of this was her fault.

In spite of his attempts to soothe her, Amber couldn't stop crying. Her face was red, her cheeks wet with tears and her nose was dripping. The heart-piercing cries and sobs coming out of his sister's throat were hardly bearable. Helplessly he pulled her closer, held her tighter. But even as she buried her face in his neck, while he comfortingly stroke over her hair, she was still shaking from convulsive sobbing.

The older Karev gave the swinging bench a little push with his foot and it started swaying lightly. Miraculously, this seemed to calm Amber down. It wasn't long before her breathing became steady again. The tears fell silently and ultimately petered out for good.

She had to be incredibly tired and exhausted, Alex thought as he gave the bench another push.

While he slowly rocked his little sister to sleep that way, his vision started to blur again. Only this time he didn't bother wiping the tears away.

* * *

 **Author's Notes: I let Alex's mom die, but it's not because I think it's gritty or cool to kill off characters in fiction. I only did it, because I'd like to think if any member of his family got seriously ill, Alex would go back to Iowa to take care of them and spend time with them. But that's just my personal headcanon and the show acts like they don't even exist so clearly I'm wrong about that.**

 **Thanks to my beta reader Sam for her continued support.**

 **PS: The next chapter will have a ton of Jo.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Author's Notes: As always, I'm sorry about the long break. I wish I could say it's going to change, but at this point it just is what it is. I am truly sorry, though.**

 **Either way, I hope you'll like this chapter. Fair warning: I'm diving into Jo's past again (it's for the last time btw), which means there are hints of attempted rape and physical violence, but it's not graphic.**

 **A comment or review is always welcome. Thank you for reading!**

* * *

Chapter 17

 **Present Day**

 **(11 days later)**

Completely immersed in the letter she'd received in the mail this morning, Jo entered the hospital, passed the main reception desk, and strolled towards the elevators.

Initially, she'd been disappointed the letter wasn't the one from New York she was waiting for. But it would have been too early for that one. It had only been a little over a week since she'd talked with Webber about transferring and he'd pointed her towards a hospital in New York with an excellent residency program. She'd sent an application with Dr. Webber's letter of recommendation and now she was waiting. All in all she was optimistic everything would work out for her, but the uncertainty of not knowing yet was nagging at her.

When Jo noticed who the sender was and realised it was not a common letter but a wedding invitation, disappointment had been replaced by curiosity.

Olivia "Liv" Moore.

Jo hadn't heard from her former med school colleague in ages.

She used to be friends with Liv, but it was never a particularly deep friendship and after med school they'd lost touch altogether. Therefore this wedding invitation came quite out of left field for Jo. Why would Liv invite Jo to her wedding when they hadn't even spoken in years? Then again, they hadn't lost touch due to bad blood, so it probably wasn't that odd to invite an old friend.

As she waited for the elevator to arrive Jo turned the fancy looking piece of paper between her fingers. The wedding was in LA in two months. The brunette resident didn't quite know how to feel about the whole thing. Should she accept? Should she decline?

Chewing her lower lip she stepped into the elevator and pushed the button for the fourth floor. The doors started to close, but suddenly somebody put their hand into the narrowing gap to stop the elevator.

It was a male hand with a wristwatch. Jo didn't have to wait for the doors to slide back and reveal the owner of the hand. She'd already recognised who it was.

* * *

 **4 years earlier**

Jo spotted Olivia Moore at the margins of one of the middle rows of the lecture hall. She was pretty sure her friend was sleeping. Her body was hunched over the desk and she was using her crossed arms as a pillow.

Jo fell down on the seat Liv had saved for her. "Liv, wake up, you're drooling," she said laughingly as she elbowed the blonde student in the shoulder.

Olivia was living across the hall from Jo in the dormitory. Like most other Harvard students Liv came from a wealthy family, her father was a prestigious architect and her mother was a surgeon. She didn't hide the fact that she loved having money. She had it all: the expensive car, the D&G clothes and the Gucci accessories. What separated her from most other loaded Harvard students though, was the fact that she wasn't snobbish or arrogant about her status. She didn't look down on people who weren't fortunate enough to be born into a wealthy family.

"Ugh. Go away," Liv growled and buried her head in her arms.

"You're drooling on your notepad. Plus I'm pretty sure your future husband won't be so thrilled you're sleeping through his lecture."

The blonde groaned, but raised her head. "Goddammit Jo, the lecture hasn't even started and he isn't here yet." Realising she was indeed drooling slightly, Liv wiped her mouth. "Why are you so chipper this morning anyways?" she demanded. "We were out drinking almost till dawn yesterday. How are you even awake?"

"Sleep is for the weak," Jo smirked. "Besides, I can't afford to be tired during lectures. I need to stay on top of things. Which is also why I've decided to ask your future hubby for a letter of recommendation for my residency applications today."

Live creased her forehead. "Isn't that a bit early? We've still got almost a year of med school ahead of us."

"More like less than a year," Jo corrected. "Have you decided on hospitals and residency programs yet?"

"Not quite," Liv shrugged her shoulders unperturbed. "I'm not staying on the East Coast, that's for sure. I'm sick of the New England weather. I need sun, lots of sun. And the sea. And a nice beach. So I was thinking LA, or Miami maybe."

Jo shook her head incredulously. "Seriously? That's how you're picking your hospitals? Sun and beaches?"

"Why not? There are some great hospitals in LA and Miami. Why not combine business with pleasure?" She perked an eyebrow at Jo. "Which ones are you considering Little Miss Overachiever?"

Little Miss Overachiever was a nickname her blonde colleague frequently used to tease Jo with. Not that she minded. Liv had teasing nicknames for pretty much everybody. It was more a sign of affection than anything else.

Nevertheless it wasn't like Jo and Liv were particularly close. Sometimes they went out drinking and they sat together in some classes but that was about it.

Jo was alright with it, though. In fact she preferred their casual friendship. Liv only knew superficial facts about Jo's life, like the fact that she didn't have parents and grew up as a foster child. If they were tighter Liv would probably want to know more about Jo's background and that was information Jo wasn't willing to share with anyone. Things like the fact that her mother had given her away when she was just a baby, that she'd lived in her car for two years and that not one foster family liked her enough to take her in permanently were nobody's business but hers. Either Liv sensed that it was a delicate topic or she was generally not that interested in Jo's past. Since Jo didn't want to talk about it anyways, either was fine with her.

Jo opened her mouth to reply, but Liv cut her off. "No, let me guess. Johns Hopkins? Mayo Clinic?"

"You got that right," Jo nodded with a grin. They might not be that close, but Liv knew her well enough to know she aimed for the best. "Johns Hopkins would definitely be my first choice. Mayo would be great, Mass Gen too, and Seattle Grace Mercy West."

Hearing the name of the last hospital made Liv gasp loudly. "Seattle Grace Mercy West? Please tell me you're not serious?"

"Why not?" Jo frowned. "It's one of the best hospitals of the country."

"Jo, that place is a death trap. People die there!" she exclaimed, squeezing Jo's forearm for emphasis.

"Well, it's a hospital, of course people die there."

"No, you don't understand. Some years ago one of their residents got run over by a bus and died. And two years ago there was a crazy gunman who killed two residents and some nurses."

"I heard about the shooting on the news, but that was two years ago and what are the odds of something like that happening twice at the same hospital?"

"Fine, that's probably not very likely," Liv conceded. "Still, I'm wary of that place. My mom has a friend who works as a neurosurgeon at Seattle Grace Mercy West and he always tells us the craziest stories about the place. Interns practicing surgeries on themselves, actual ghosts haunting the hospital, bombs exploding in ORs and other horrible stuff like that. I swear that place is built on a hell hole."

Jo didn't believe a word coming out of her friend's mouth. There was only one thing which had piqued her interest. "Wait, your mom is friends with Derek Shepherd? The Derek Shepherd?"

"Nah, not Shepherd. Dr. John Nelson."

"Never heard of him," Jo admitted as she took out her books and a notepad.

More and more students trickled in through the doors and the lecture hall slowly filled.

"Yeah, that's kind of Nelson's curse," Liv explained. "He's always overshadowed by the grand Derek Shepherd. I think he secretly hates working there."

"See, that's probably why he's spreading all those silly stories. He's jealous of Shepherd."

"Maybe," Liv shrugged. "Well, at least they've got one thing going for themselves at Seattle Grace, they have really hot attendings. Like Shepherd and especially Mark Sloan."

Despite herself, Jo had to smirk at Liv's way of changing the subject. From hospital horror stories to hot attendings. That was typical Liv. She never took things too seriously.

"You know, I really don't care how hot the attendings are, Liv. I care about them teaching me," Jo asserted.

Liv grinned saucily. "Oh I'm sure Sloan can teach you lots of things. He's a legend, and not only in the medical field."

Jo swatted her friend's upper arm. "Would you stop it? I don't care how attractive they are, I don't care if they are some sort of sex legend, I would never ever hook up with an attending. Never!"

In the meantime the teacher had entered the auditorium from a side door at the front and started to set up the computer for the lecture.

Liv shifted closer to Jo. "Speaking of hot teachers," she nodded towards the speaker's desk, "he could teach me anything he wanted at anytime. He's so hot."

Jo shook her head and chuckled. Her friend's crush on their professor wasn't news to her. She jokingly called him her future husband. Never mind that he was actually married.

"I think you're drooling again," Jo teased her.

"Oh please, don't act like you're not into him as well. Weren't you going to ask him for a recommendation for your applications?"

Jo nodded. "I'm going to ask him after class. And of course I like Professor Baker, but only as a teacher," she clarified. "If you want my honest opinion, I think he's too old for you anyways."

"He's 49, that's not even that old," Liv replied indignantly. "He's... mature. That's what I'd call him. I need to think of something to get his attention. Rumour has it he appreciates his students not only in a classroom, if you know what I mean."

Jo rolled her eyes. "You and your stupid rumours. I don't believe that for a second. Dr. Baker has two Harper Avery awards. I'm pretty sure he's got better things to do than screwing his students. Besides, he is married."

Liv wanted to reply something, but she fell silent as Professor Baker raised his head and welcomed the class.

While he started his presentation Jo studied her professor. With his piercing blue eyes, the dark stubble and the black, thick hair he was certainly attractive. Moreover he was tall and it looked like he worked out. But never in a million years would it have occurred to Jo to see anything more in this man than a teacher. She'd been in several of his classes and she admired Lionel Baker for his medical accomplishments and appreciated his constant support and encouragement of his students. And Jo knew he liked her too, which was why she felt comfortable enough to ask him to write her a recommendation for her applications.

After the lecture, when the other students hurriedly poured out of the auditorium, Jo approached Dr. Baker with her request. Charming and friendly as ever, he assured her it would be his pleasure to write that letter for her.

Jo thanked him exuberantly, but before she could leave the professor held her back.

"Miss Wilson? You know, I just had an idea. Letters of recommendation are well and all, but what would you say if you got the chance to actually meet and talk to some of your potential future teachers in person? I'm hosting a dinner party for some surgeon friends, who happen to be in town because of a conference. What do you think? Would you like to join us?"

Jo was caught completely off guard. Why would Baker ask her of all people? "Me? I don't think that would be right, I-"

"Humour me, Miss Wilson, please! You're one of my most promising students. I'm sure my colleagues would be thrilled to meet such a smart and talented young lady."

"I don't know..."

"It's not like you're going to be the only student there. I've invited five other promising talents from your class as well. And did I mention Catherine Avery will be there? And Keith Collier from Johns Hopkins? Craig Thomas from Mayo?"

The student still hesitated. Luckily Lionel Baker didn't construe it as Jo being rude. He just chuckled and said, "Come on, Miss Wilson! Do I really need to list more names?"

Jo snickered. "No, you don't need to do that. I capitulate, I'd love to come." How could she miss this unique chance to meet some of her biggest idols?

* * *

And so it happened that Jo found herself standing in front of Dr. Lionel Baker's mansion four days later, seven o'clock sharp.

Although the rain pattered mercilessly on her umbrella and Jo was somewhat freezing in her indigo cocktail dress and the pretty but cheap high heels, she couldn't have been happier.

As her finger hovered over the doorbell, she could feel her skin itching with excitement and anticipation. Her face was brightened by a broad grin. She pressed the doorbell, took a deep breath to compose herself and waited.

Sometimes - and this was one of those moments - it hit Jo just how lucky she was. She'd really made it. She had left her past behind her. No more living in her car, no more sneaking into the gym to take a shower, no more stealing food. No more being sad, no more being scared. No more feeling like a second-class citizen. Finally the tables had turned for her. She was attending Harvard Medical School, she lived in a warm and comfy room at the dormitory, complete with bath and toilette. And she didn't have to worry about where her next meal would come from. Here everything she needed was at her disposal. The only thing she had to do for it was work hard and get good grades. But that had never been an issue for Jo. She'd always been ambitious and eager to learn.

The door opened and Dr. Baker appeared. "Miss Wilson?" he asked surprised.

 _Why is he surprised?_ Jo wondered slightly unsettled.

"What are you...?" He slapped his palm against his forehead. "Oh no, it's because of the dinner party, isn't it? I'm so sorry, didn't you get my email? I had to cancel the party because my wife fell ill. She's been plagued by a really bad migraine."

"Oh. I'm really sorry. I don't think I received an email. I..." Jo blushed. She felt utterly embarrassed and just wanted to leave. "I should go. I'm really sorry for the inconvenience."

"Miss Wilson, wait! Why don't you come in for a cup of tea? I just put the kettle on for me and my wife. We could talk about that letter of recommendation and I could give you some advice on your applications."

"Thanks, but I don't think-"

"Please, Miss Wilson, you must come in. You've come all this way... and it's raining like crazy. Let me do this to make it up to you, Josephine."

Something bothered Jo about her teacher using her first name, still she was inclined to accept his offer. The golden light flooding out of the house was welcoming and her wet feet craved some warmth.

Baker lead Jo from the entrance hall to the living room, before he excused himself to fix the tea.

Jo wandered around and studied the living room. It was a big but cosy room with neatly arranged bookshelves and expensive looking furniture. Almost immediately her attention was caught by the crackling fire in the open fireplace. Jo placed herself in front of it to warm her cold feet and legs. She should have picked a different dress. The indigo cocktail dress was her favourite, but it wasn't exactly made for cold and rainy evenings. Then again, dresses never are.

"You look absolutely lovely tonight, Miss Wilson. I'm terribly sorry I made you dress up for nothing."

Jo jerked around, startled by her teacher's voice. She hadn't even heard him enter the room.

Baker smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry I startled you. But please sit down." He went over to the couch and put down two cups of tea on the coffee table for him and Jo.

Hesitatingly Jo joined him on the couch and took the tiniest sip of the hot beverage. She was beginning to think all of this was a bad idea. She appreciated Dr. Baker's offer to help her with her applications, but this was just weird. He was her teacher and the informal and private nature of the situation made Jo uneasy. Should she try small talk? What could she even talk about with her teacher?

Baker was still smiling at her, but the silence stretched uncomfortably. "I uh... You have a very beautiful house, Dr. Baker," she stammered.

"Thank you. It's pretty old, built by my grandparents. But I renovated it a couple of years ago." As he spoke Baker casually moved a bit closer to Jo, but not casually enough for her not to notice.

There was another long silence, while Baker kept smiling at Jo perpetually. He leaned in even closer to her. And suddenly he had his arms around her and pressed his lips against Jo's, in the same moment his hand came down on her bare knee, threatening to move up her thigh.

Jo pushed her teacher back vigorously, and jumped up.

"Josephine... Miss Wilson, wait! I didn't mean to... I just..."

Jo was deaf to her teachers's pathetic attempt of an apology. Even if he was being sincere, she didn't take chances anymore, not after everything she'd been through. The only thing that mattered to her now was getting out of this house as fast as possible.

She headed for the doorway which connected the living room with the hallway, but Baker was faster and blocked her way. Violently, he clutched her wrists. "Not so fast young lady." Finally he dropped the act. There was nothing charming about his voice anymore, his face was distorted and his eyes blazed dangerously.

Jo tried to fight him, free herself from his grip, but there was no way his vice-like hands would give in. Somewhere in the back of her mind she remembered Baker mentioning that his wife was sick. Which meant she had to be in the house. Which meant she could help her. She had to. "Help," Jo screamed. "Help me! Please, help me!"

"Oh, you think my wife will help you?" he sneered. "The old hag is passed out on her pain meds, she can't hear you." He pushed her backwards until she felt something concrete behind her back. There was a clatter as her left leg bumped against a silver bin filled with fire irons. With a vile grin Baker pinned his student's arms against the wall.

Jo was standing right beside the fireplace, and although the heat from the fire radiated through the room, she started shivering as an icy trickle of fear ran down her spine. She was trapped and nobody would come to help her.

"Please, just let me go," Jo pleaded as tears welled up in her eyes. "I won't tell anyone, I promise."

"What do you want to tell? Nothing's happened. Yet," he added with a nasty grin, moving his face closer to Jo's as he tried to kiss her again. Jo tried to kick him in the nuts, but Baker was prepared for that and evaded her kicks by pressing his body tightly against hers. His face was only inches away from hers, so Jo turned her head to the side. With her body and hands pressed against the wall it was the only act of resistance she was capable of.

However, Baker was stuck as well. He needed to keep Jo fixed against the wall, otherwise she would start flailing and squirming again the moment he let go. He couldn't even use his hands to turn Jo's head to force a kiss on her, let alone do all the other things he wanted to do with her.

Eventually, he started lugging Jo towards the couch. He dragged her by her arms, his grip still unyielding. But she wasn't tucked to the wall anymore, so Jo ignored the pain in her sore wrists and started struggling against her teacher. As Baker dragged and pulled, she kicked and flailed around, fighting him with all that was in her.

Suddenly he let go and Jo was free.

She knew she only had seconds, but that was all Jo needed. Swiftly she wheeled around, grabbed a poker from the bin beside the fireplace and aimed it at her professor.

Everything that happened next was like a blur. Baker sneered at her, but he wouldn't stop coming towards her, so she attacked him with the fire iron. She didn't know where or how many times she hit him. The only thought running through her head was that she had to make sure he couldn't come after her anymore. Eventually he fell to the floor, twisting and screaming in agony. That's when she stopped. Jo threw the fireplace poker away and ran.

She ran and ran and ran, one relentless question throbbing in her head.

 _What did I do? What did I do? What did I do?_

* * *

 **Present Day**

"Ah, Josephine. Good morning," Baker said as the doors slid back and he hobbled into the elevator. Quickly Jo stuffed Liv's letter into the back pocket of her jeans.

"I haven't seen your lover boy in a while. What happened? Did you chase him away for good?"

"He went home to his family, because his mother died," Jo replied curtly.

"Oh yeah, I've heard about that. Nutcase, right? Well, he's better off without her."

Jo shook her head and snorted. She couldn't believe she had looked up to this man once. "You're a despicable human being."

Baker ignored her comment. "We've got a heart valve replacement scheduled for today. I'm sure the two of us are going to have so much fun," he said with a wicked grin.

Jo didn't react. She'd vowed not to talk to him any more than necessary, but then she remembered one thing she needed to know. "You know what I've been wondering all these years?" She looked at her former professor. "Was it even real? The dinner party? Or was it just a ploy to lure me into your house?"

The older surgeon guffawed. "Of course it was real. Do you really think I made it up just to get you? Oh come on!" He moved closer to Jo and his voice turned into a whisper. "But you were right there. And you looked so hot in that little dress of yours. How could I pass up that chance?" He stepped back and leaned against the elevator wall. "Of course, had I known what a sick little bitch you really are, I would have sent you back out into the rain immediately. You messed me up pretty badly, you know? Broke my nose, two ribs and," he rubbed his bad knee, "you did this. But at least I'm getting my little revenge with you now."

Jo fixed her gaze on the numbers above the elevator door, watched them light up and dim again. Second floor, third floor, fourth floor.

 _It was self-defence, it was self-defence, it was self-defence_ she repeated to herself over and over again.

When the doors opened on the fourth floor Jo instantly dashed out of the elevator.

As she hurried down the corridor and turned a corner she collided with someone.

Instinctively the person put their hands on her arms to steady her. "You okay?" a worried voice asked.

Alex?

She hadn't known he was back.

Jo looked up and as her eyes locked with Alex's, her heart filled with the strangest feeling of… Jo couldn't quite fathom what it was, but it felt like every cell in her body gravitated towards him.

Was it homesickness? Was that even possible, feeling homesick for a person? It didn't make much sense to Jo. Then again, what would she know about homesickness? She'd never had a home to miss before, be it a place or a person.

"I-I'm fine. Thanks. I just… I need to go," she stuttered.

Whatever this weird feeling was, Jo thought as she walked away from Alex yet again, there was no use in dwelling on it. Alex wasn't part of her future, so she either had to get over it or learn to live with it.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

"Hey, you're back!" Callie's voice sounded excited as she put down her tray on the table where Alex and Meredith were eating their lunch. Then, as she remembered why Alex had been away for almost two weeks, she added with a more concerned tone, "How are you?"

It was only Alex's third day back but he felt like he'd heard that question a million times already. He looked up from his plate briefly. "I'm fine, just... don't really wanna talk about it."

"Okay," Callie shrugged and took a sip from her orange juice.

The cafeteria was filled with the usual lunchtime noises, the clattering of trays, cutlery and plates and the buzzing voices of chatting and laughing doctors and nurses. The smell of tomato sauce filled the air. Normally Alex would have been excited about spaghetti Wednesday, but on that day he just dully picked at his food.

Callie was about to start rolling spaghetti around her fork, when something caught her attention. She jabbed Meredith in the shoulder. "You know what we should talk about? Why is she never eating with you anymore?" Callie was pointing her fork at Maggie, who was sitting at a different table, engaged in a conversation with Derek and Amelia.

Meredith sighed. "Maggie's mad at me because the new cardio guy is still around. She's afraid he'll stay and take her job as head of cardio, if he doesn't get the chief of surgery position."

"What has that to do with you?" Callie frowned.

"Well, obviously it's all my fault, because I'm a board member and as her sister I'm apparently obligated to make sure this guy disappears as soon as possible. She wants me to put some pressure on Richard and Catherine Avery so they get a move on."

"Okay, I'll admit it's weird the decision is taking so long, but isn't Maggie overreacting? After all, her own father is largely involved in the decision making, he'd never let Baker take Maggie's job." Disbelievingly Callie shook her head. "Maggie's seriously throwing a tantrum because of this? Who does she think she is? The sun?"

"Didn't you get the memo? That part's already been taken by Mer," Alex said, deadpan. He'd been following his friends conversation with little interest, but he couldn't bite back that one remark.

"What?" Callie laughed.

Meredith shot Alex a deadly glare to signify he'd better shut up now.

"What?" he said innocently. "You said it yourself, you're the sun." Despite himself his lips curled into a grin. Pulling his friend's leg always had a positive effect on his mood.

Callie perked an eyebrow at Meredith. "Seriously? The sun?"

Meredith kicked Alex under the table. "I was drunk off my ass, when I said that. Want me to blab some of the pathetic things that came out of your mouth the last time we got drunk together? If I remember correctly it was shortly after Wilson dumped you," she added spitefully.

"Oh I think that's something I wanna hear. Tell me!" Excited, Callie clapped her hands.

Alex kicked Meredith's shin under the table like she'd done with him before. He didn't remember much of what he'd said that night, but whatever Meredith had on him, it sure as hell had to be embarrassing.

"So what is going on with the chief of surgery thing anyways?" Alex asked, desperate to change the subject. "I thought Webber only agreed to the second candidate to indulge Catherine Avery and that it was a done deal for Bailey. But this Baker guy has been around for almost two months now and nothing happened."

Graciously, Meredith went along with Alex's unsubtle attempt of changing the subject. "Of course Bailey is gonna become the new chief, but you know how Richard is. He loves gaining big names for the hospital. Remember intern year? First he promised Burke he'd become the new chief, but then he persuaded Derek to come to Seattle with the same promise. He called Addison and when Mark followed suit Webber kept him around too. They all tried to one-up each other for months and in the end Webber gave the chief position to no one and kept the job himself."

"Still, I'm surprised Baker's putting up with all this," Alex mused. "I thought he was super accomplished and won several Harper Avery's and crap like that. If I were him, I wouldn't waste my time waiting for a job I'm not gonna get anyways."

Meredith took a sip from her soda and exchanged a knowing look with Callie, which suggested there was something they didn't want to share with Alex.

Alex looked from Meredith to Callie. "What?"

"Nothing. It's just gossip," Callie replied evasively as she impaled a tomato slice with her fork.

"What kind of gossip? Mer?"

Meredith exchanged another look with Callie but then she finally met Alex's gaze. "It's nothing. People are speculating Baker has another reason for staying at Grey-Sloan, beside the chief of surgery competition. Apparently he's hooking up with one of the residents."

"He is? Who's-," Alex faltered as the penny dropped. "Jo?"

"Yup," Callie nodded. "Nobody knows if it really is true, but your ex seems pretty distracted lately. And I did see Baker follow her into an on-call room once. Could be they just shared a bunk bed, but maybe they shared the same bunk, if you know what I mean."

Alex looked down on the mix of spaghetti, meatballs and tomato sauce on his plate. He'd lost any remaining appetite. Jo and Baker? Alex's stomach clenched just thinking about it.

"Alex, it's just rumours," Meredith tried to appease him.

"Yeah, whatever," Alex shrugged, trying to maintain a casual tone. "We're done anyways. She can screw whoever she wants." He started forking down some spaghetti as if it would substantiate his I-don't-care attitude.

A few minutes later Alex excused himself saying he had to get ready for a surgery, which wasn't a complete lie, but mostly he just wanted to get away from Meredith and Callie who obviously didn't buy his act and kept looking at him with concerned glances.

As he got up, he peered over Mer's shoulder at the table where Jo and Stephanie Edwards were eating their lunch. Jo had her back turned to him, but her friend caught Alex staring at them. Icily, she stared back at him.

Did Edwards guess who the attendings had been gossiping about?

* * *

The only surgery Alex had scheduled for the afternoon was an appendectomy. It was a quick procedure, and Alex had performed it so many times he knew every step so well he could have done it in his sleep.

The surgery gave Alex plenty of time to think about the news concerning Jo and Lionel Baker. He didn't want to bring his personal issues into the OR, but he couldn't completely ban the thoughts from his mind as he asked for the scalpel and started cutting into the child's abdomen.

He didn't want to believe Jo would replace him with some old, rich guy, but the more he thought about it the more it made sense. Maybe Baker was the real reason why Jo had broken up with him all along? When Alex had asked her about him she'd acted like she didn't know him, but what if that was a lie? What if she knew him from her time in Harvard Medical School and didn't want Alex to catch on to it?

Wasn't the day Jo had started to withdraw herself from Alex the exact same day Baker showed up in Seattle? And a week later she had broken up with him. Alex hadn't made that connection before, because, as hurtful as it had been, he'd bought the explanation Jo had given him. And as he started to develop doubts about her story in the last couple of weeks he'd suspected that she was in some kind of trouble, that she had issues she couldn't share with him for whatever reason.

But what if she wasn't in trouble at all? What if she'd dumped him so she was free for her former professor? If he was her former professor, that is.

Alex started sweating and it had nothing to do with the surgery. He couldn't picture Jo as the girl who would hook up with her professor, but it would explain her weird behaviour in the last couple of weeks.

Again and again Alex glanced over to Stephanie Edwards who was the assisting resident on this surgery. Should he ask her about Jo and the cardio surgeon? She was Jo's best friend, surely she would know if Jo was seeing someone.

As a nurse dabbed Alex's forehead Edwards met his gaze. "Is there something you want to ask me, Dr. Karev?"

"No, nothing just... uh suction please."

The resident raised an eyebrow, indicating she didn't believe that was all Alex wanted to say to her, but followed his orders all the same.

They continued their work in silence. It wasn't until they'd completely removed the inflamed appendix and Alex was about to close up that Stephanie addressed him again. "Just so you know, the rumours are not true, Jo is not dating Lionel Baker. He is not the reason she broke up with you."

"I didn't... That wasn't what I-,"

"Oh please," Stephanie cut him off, her voice sharp like a knife. "I know that's what you were thinking. It's bad enough half the hospital is talking about it, but you of all people should know her better than that. Jo loved you. God knows why, but she was head over heels for you. And you didn't even realise how lucky you were. All the time you made Jo feel like..." She glanced over to the metal bowl with the removed appendix. "Like an appendix, a piece of meat you carry around, but don't really need and don't really care about. And all because your attending friends mattered more to you than she did. So instead of blaming Jo, how about you start thinking about what you did wrong that made her walk away from you?"

With narrowed eyes, Alex glared at Stephanie. He was fuming. No resident had ever disrespected him in an OR like this before. He knew Edwards wasn't his biggest fan, but she had some nerve to tear into him in public, in front of the other medical staff.

"Dr. Edwards!" he said warningly. He was close to throwing her out of the OR, but then he changed his mind. "Dr. Edwards," he repeated calmly, "I'm done here. You can close."

A perplexed Stephanie looked after him as the peds surgeon left the OR. However, Alex wasn't worried. As a third-year resident Stephanie could have done the whole procedure on her own. Closing the small appendix wound would be a cinch for her.

In the scrub room Alex peeled the gloves off his hands, took off the surgical gown and threw both into the waste container. As he washed his hands he tried to order his thoughts to stop his mind from spinning.

His friends had told him Jo was hooking up with Baker, Stephanie Edwards said that wasn't the case.

But what was the truth? What the hell was going on in Jo's life?

A look at the OR board in the hall told Alex that Jo was in surgery, with Lionel Baker of all people. They were doing a heart transplant.

Alex checked his watch. He had a patient consult scheduled for after the appendectomy, but since he'd finished that early - or rather let Edwards finish it - he had gained some spare time. He decided to use it to watch Baker and Jo's surgery from the gallery for a while.

It quickly became clear there was something going on between the two of them. However, it wasn't what Alex had expected. He couldn't hear what was being talked in the OR, but Baker's and Jo's interactions certainly didn't indicate they'd fallen for each other. It looked more like they were repelling each other. Jo looked stressed and intimidated, while Baker barked orders at her.

Alex remembered how Jo had bumped into him the other day. Her gaze had been haunted and she'd seemed completely rattled. And had Alex not run into Lionel Baker once he'd turned the corner where Jo had come from?

So was that it? Was Jo scared of Baker? Was he the reason Jo always seemed so tired and worn down? Was he the reason why she'd flinched when he'd found her in the radiology room on that evening weeks ago?

Alex watched the older surgeon stretch his head and shifting from one leg to the other. It had to be hard for him to stand in an OR for hours with his bad leg.

Why would Jo be scared of this guy? Because he was a rough teacher? Or was there more to it?

Whatever it was, Alex couldn't make sense of it. He wished he could take a look inside Jo's head to understand what was going on in there. How was it possible she'd become such an enigma to him?

Although he was still determined to find out what Jo was hiding, he realised watching her and Baker during surgery wouldn't be helpful. Alex would have loved to just ask Jo, but he'd tried to get her to talk before and it hadn't work.

Frustrated, he went back to work.

* * *

When he went home that evening, Alex's mind was still occupied by the riddle his ex-girlfriend had turned into. He figured, maybe he was going about this the wrong way. If he was looking for a connection between Jo and Baker, he should find out more about him first. Right now, Alex didn't even know whether Baker's time at Harvard coincided with Jo's, let alone if he'd been one of her professors. How was he going to find that out, though? He doubted a simple google search would do the trick.

As he trudged upstairs, he heard Arizona and Sofia excitedly talking and rummaging in Arizona's room. They were packing for their trip to Maryland, where Arizona was attending a surgical congress. Since her parents lived in Maryland she had decided to combine this trip with a longer vacation to visit them and she was taking Sofia with her so her parents got to spend time with their granddaughter.

Alex knocked on his roommate's door to let them know he'd fix dinner for them and Arizona reminded him of his promise to drive her and Sofia to the airport the next morning.

Later that evening, when Alex got ready for bed he recalled the last and only real conversation he'd ever had with Lionel Baker at the Emerald City Bar. An intern had rejected his advances and the cardio attending had babbled something about liking the girls who were hard to get, because he enjoyed the chase. Moreover, he'd admitted to hooking up with his students during his time in Harvard.

Was that Jo's and Baker's connection? Was that why she was scared of him? Was she one of the students he'd hooked up with and now Jo was afraid it would become public? Would Jo break up with Alex over that secret?

No, there had to be more to it. Jo wouldn't be so out of it if she just wanted to hide an affair with one of her professors.

What if Baker had tried to hook up with Jo and she'd rejected him? Judging by their conversation at the bar Alex could see Baker as someone who wouldn't take no for an answer.

Alex's jaw tightened. Had Baker threatened Jo? Had he tried to hurt her? Or worse, succeeded in hurting her?

Alex felt the urge to drive back to the hospital to just beat the truth out of him. But then he remembered something else. The last time Jo had felt threatened by someone, that someone had ended up in a hospital bed with a brain bleed.

Alex shook his head to himself. What was he even thinking? That Lionel Baker had tried to harm Jo in some way and that, as a consequence, she beat the guy up with a baseball bat or something?

That sounded ridiculous.

He turned the lights out and crawled into bed. But although he was dead tired, he couldn't find much sleep. Twisting and turning in his sheets, he found himself unable to stop his brain from wiring.

The dawn was breaking, when he reached for his cell phone and called Amber. He may not have enough online research skills to find a definite connection between Lionel Baker and Jo Wilson, but luckily he knew someone who was good at finding information, where a simple google search wouldn't do. Amber could probably do a whole background check on the guy.

"Hey, how are you?" he asked as his sister picked up the phone.

"Jesus, Alex! It's not even six in the morning, please tell me you have a better reason for calling me at this uncivilized hour than asking me how I am?"

"I have, but first answer the question."

There was a moment of silence on the other side of the line, then Amber sighed. "I don't feel much different than three days ago when you went back to Seattle. I miss her, Alex. I miss her so much."

"I know, me too. But you're not still blaming yourself for her death, are you?"

"No, I guess not. But I keep thinking about all those times when I was impatient with her or just wasn't there for her the way I should have been and then I get so angry at myself," the younger Karev confessed.

"Hey Sally, don't look back in anger, remember?" Alex tried to cheer her up.

Amber chuckled at the song reference. "I remember, but it turns out I'm better at forgiving you than forgiving myself."

"Amber, you did great with Mom. She was lucky to have you and Aaron. Don't beat yourself up about what you did wrong, because there's a hell of a lot more you did right."

"Maybe... I don't know..." Amber sighed. "But everything Aaron and I did right we learned from you anyways. I remember how you tried to explained Mom's illness to me, when I was still little and got confused or even scared of her. You said it was like the nightmares I always had. That Mom was scared of people hurting her and that for her the nightmares didn't end, even when she was awake, because she couldn't distinguish between nightmare and reality. That was something I could understand, because I always had a hard time convincing myself my nightmares weren't real either."

"Yeah, I remember that. You couldn't go back to sleep and always snuck into my bed and ruined my sleep." Alex teased his little sister, but it was actually nice hearing Amber talk about their childhood without bitterness or resentment in her voice.

"Good thing I grew out of that nightmare phase eventually, huh?" Amber laughed. "Anyways, what was it you're calling about?"

Alex roughly informed Amber about the situation with Lionel Baker, that he had a bad feeling about the new cardiologist, that he wanted her to look into him and, what was most important, find out if there was some sort of link between him and Jo.

"So this is about Jo?" Amber asked, once Alex had explained his request. "Is this Baker guy her new boyfriend? Is that why you want me to vet him?"

"No, this is not what this is about... or maybe it is... partly." Alex pinched the bridge of his nose. "Listen Amber, something just seems off about this guy and I have a feeling Jo is in trouble because of him. So can you please just find out if she attended any of Baker's classes in Harvard or if there's some other connection between them?"

Amber inhaled audibly, then she went silent.

"What is it?" Alex asked impatiently. "Can you not do it?"

"Of course I can do it," Amber replied, slightly insulted at her brother's lack of trust in her skills. "I'm just not sure, if I should do it. I have a feeling you're gonna get yourself in trouble, when you get the information you're looking for."

"I'm not gonna get myself in trouble, I promise."

"Well, you better not, big brother, because I don't have enough money to bail you out of jail."

"Haha," Alex commented dryly. "You're one to talk. You're a hacker, you might end up in the slammer before I do."

"That's where you're wrong," Amber objected. "My skills are so valuable, they wouldn't lock me up, but recruit me for the FBI instead."

Alex rolled his eyes at his sister's smugness. But then he smiled to himself. Maybe it was just a sign she hadn't lost all of her sense of wonder yet. "Whatever, just be careful okay?"

"Don't worry, this is a piece of cake and it's not like I'm doing something super illegal here. Really, it's gonna be fine. I'll get back to you later today, okay?"

"Okay. Bye, Amber."

Alex got dressed, went downstairs, had breakfast with Arizona and Sofia and afterwards drove them to the airport.

The rest of the day felt like a little déjà vu. Repeatedly Alex caught himself checking his phone, waiting for a call from his sister, just like he'd done the day his sister and mother had come to Seattle.

The hours before lunch were pretty calm. Alex had hoped to run into Jo, but it turned out she had the day off.

The afternoon got rather hectic, since several victims from a car crash were brought to the ER. And so it happened that Alex actually missed his sister's call. He only got to check his phone, when he was already in the attendings lounge, changing from his scrubs into his regular clothes.

Amber had tried to call him multiple times, eventually she'd just left a message on his voicemail.

 _"Hey Alex, I assume you're busy saving cute little babies and kids right now, so I'm just gonna make this quick and tell you what I found out. First of all, the guy is clean. I could find nothing shady about Dr. Lionel Baker, besides a fine for speeding a couple of months ago. But you were right about him and Jo. They definitely know each other. She was in four of his classes at Harvard. The last one was a lecture in her second to last semester. What might be interesting, Baker wasn't able to finish the term, because he got severely hurt by an intruder who attacked him in his house. He never returned to Harvard after his time at the rehab center and that's about all I could find. I don't know what you're going to do with this information or if it's even useful at all, but here's a casual reminder: Don't do anything stupid."_

Processing what he'd just heard, Alex shoved his phone in his bag.

So Jo had definitely lied to him. She already knew Lionel Baker before he came to Seattle. Although he still didn't know the exact reason, Alex couldn't shake the feeling that Baker had gotten Jo in hot water and that she'd broken up with him because of it.

Alex slipped into his jacket and grabbed his bag. He had to talk to Jo. It was like he had all the pieces of the puzzle, but he couldn't put them together without her.

Walking down the hospital hallways towards the exit, he ignored the irritating voice in his head telling him to just stay out of it, that it was too complicated and that he'd had more than enough girls with issues in his life.

However, this was about more than just winning back the girl. If Jo was in trouble, staying out of it - whatever "it" was - wasn't an option. Whatever she had gotten herself into, he had to at least try to help her.

Maybe Edwards was right, maybe he'd brought all this upon himself. Maybe he'd been the world's worst boyfriend in the weeks and months preceding the break-up. Maybe it had cost him Jo's trust and that was why she felt she couldn't confide in him. But he wouldn't let her down, not this time.

* * *

 **Author's Notes:** **No Jo in this one, I know, I'm sorry. B** **ut I needed this chapter to further the plot and at least it was mostly ABOUT Jo. I hope you could still enjoy it, although I'm pretty sure it includes elements Jolex fans tend not to be very keen of.**

 **As you will have noticed, I addressed the plot point of Alex being an inattentive boyfriend in this chapter. I absolutely hate that storyline, but since it started in early s11, and since s11 is canon in my fic, except for the last couple of episodes, I didn't want to completely exclude the issue. I don't want to give this silly thing too much attention, because I think it should never have become such a big thing in the first place, but as much as it sucks, it's canon and I don't want to brush it under the rug the way the Grey's writers did.**

 **Thank you to everybody who's still reading this story. Writing it is getting harder and harder, but I'll definitely try to finish it, for those who are still interested and for myself.**


	19. Chapter 19

**Author's Notes: I wanna thank you guys for all the feedback you left on my last chapter. Reviews can be such an incredible boost, so I'm really grateful.**

 **I hope this chapter turned out alright. It's probably what most of you have been anticipating for almost a year ;)**

* * *

Chapter 19

The letter had arrived this morning. Jo must have read it a million times already. Getting the acceptance letter from the hospital in New York made her the happiest she'd been in weeks. Finally something was going right. This job offer was her best opportunity to move on and finally free herself from Lionel Baker's grip. And maybe, just maybe, moving away from Seattle would help her move on from Alex as well.

With a content smile, she leaned the letter against the cookie jar on the coffee table. She sprawled on Stephanie's old couch and turned on the TV.

As the doorbell rang, Jo quickly pressed the mute button.

"I'll go," Stephanie called from the kitchen. Jo heard her roommate shuffling to the door before she had the chance to get up.

"Hey uh... is-is Jo here?" The muffled, male voice of the nightly visitor bore its way into the living room, where Jo had started zapping through the channels of the muted TV.

Her head bounced up in surprise as she realised who the visitor was. Carefully listening to what was going on in the other room, Jo straightened up.

Judging by the silence that followed his question, Jo assumed Stephanie was uncertain whether she should let Alex in.

"Please, I just want to talk to her. I need to."

"Jo?" Stephanie yelled. "Your ex is here. Do you want me to get rid of him?"

Somewhat reluctantly, Jo dragged her feet into the kitchen. She didn't want to see Alex, nor did she want to talk to him. The whole moving on thing would never work if they didn't manage to keep their distance from each other.

Both Stephanie and Alex stared at her as she stopped in the doorway between living room and kitchen.

An avalanche of contradicting emotions hit Jo as she saw Alex standing on the threshold, his hair and jacket wet with rain. There was curiosity and confusion, because she couldn't for the life of her understand why he would show up at Stephanie's place, basically in the middle of the night, just to talk to her. An uncertain stir of dread settled in the pit of her stomach, like a foreboding that something bad was about to happen.

But there was also the familiar ache of loss she always felt when she ran into Alex at the hospital.

At the same time, she couldn't deny a completely irrational and inappropriate feeling of attraction, caused by his dishevelled look with the wet hair and stubble, which made Jo's heart beat faster.

 _So much for moving on,_ she berated herself.

"Do you want me to get rid of him?" Steph repeated her question.

"Can we talk? Please?" Alex asked.

"No-no... I..." Jo's stammering was meant as a reply to Stephanie's question, but she couldn't take her eyes off Alex as she spoke. Noticing the disappointed expression in his eyes, she quickly tried to correct herself. "No, it's fine. I mean..."

She shook her head to clear her mind, then turned to Stephanie. "It's okay, Steph. Really, you can..."

"Pretend like I have something else to do and leave you two alone for a while?"

Jo nodded, grateful Stephanie got the hint.

After Stephanie had left the apartment, Jo led Alex into the living room.

As she waited for Alex to explain the reason for his visit, she nervously rubbed her arms. Looking down on her fuzzy slippers, the comfy sweatpants and the loose, white sweater she was wearing, the thought crossed her mind that she was so not properly dressed for this talk, whatever it was about.

Alex scanned the living room, his eyes went from the worn out velvety couch cover, to the muted TV - which Jo hurried to turn off - to the recliner in the corner and the pot plant beside the bookshelf. Jo started to think he'd only come to scrutinize the interior design.

Finally he turned to look at her. "What...?" He shook his head and ran his hand across his forehead, as if he wasn't sure where to begin. "What is going on with you Jo?" he tried again. "What happened to you? To us?"

She looked at him, puzzled. "I told you..."

"Yeah, I know what bullshit you told me. But that wasn't the real reason you kicked me to the curb. Or at least it wasn't the whole reason. So I'm asking you again, what the hell is going on Jo?"

She didn't know what to say and Alex's impatient tone wasn't exactly helping his case. Inevitably Jo's eyes wandered to the letter on the coffee table. She was so close to leaving everything behind, she couldn't dig everything up again. Why couldn't he just let this go? Let her go?

Alex followed her gaze. Then he sat down on the couch, took the letter and started reading. Jo didn't stop him. Soon he would have found out she was leaving anyways.

After he'd finished the letter, Alex threw it back on the table and looked up at Jo. "I assume you don't want to explain this to me either?"

Helplessly Jo raised her hands. "What's there left to explain? I think the letter is pretty self-explanatory." She tried to keep her voice steady, unfazed, but could feel the tears well up in her eyes just the same.

Alex's mouth twisted into a bitter, ruined smile. "You still don't want to talk? Fine, then I'll do the talking. I tried to figure it out, you know? Your strange behaviour, how you let me get close one day, only to push me away the next. Or how you sometimes look at me like you're drowning on dry land. And I...I think..." He hesitated and bit his lip, like he didn't want to say what he was about to say. But then he forced himself to go on. "It was you, wasn't it? You're the reason why Baker has a smashed leg. You're the person who attacked him in his house in Boston, right?"

As soon as Alex had uttered that sentence it was like all air got sucked out of the room. With wide eyes Jo stared at him. "Did he tell you?"

"No. I found it out myself."

Jo lowered her head, still fighting to hold the tears at bay. When she looked to Alex, her gaze was hard, though. "If you know that already, why are you here? To tell me what a horrible person I am?" As she spoke, she crossed her arms in front of her chest, creating a barrier between them.

Alex shook his head and his expression softened. "God no, Jo, of course not. I'm here because I want to know what he did to you that made you react that way. And because I want to know what he's still doing to you. I know there's something going on." His voice was urgent, but his eyes looked at her pleadingly and full of concern. "Is he hurting you? Threatening you?"

"It's nothing, Alex," Jo tried to reassure him. "Nothing I can't deal with on my own, anyways."

"But you're not dealing with it!" Alex jumped up from the couch and with a few quick steps he stood in front of her. "You're not dealing with it, you're running from it, can't you see that? And you're running from me." He put his hands on her arms, squeezing them lightly as he leaned his forehead against hers. "Please, stop running from me," he breathed.

Jo closed her eyes and tears rolled down her cheeks. But then she nodded, swiftly wiping the tears away.

They sat down and Jo filled Alex in on her history with Lionel Baker. She began with her time at Harvard Medical School and how much she'd admired Baker as a teacher. She told Alex about the dinner party that never happened, how her professor had tried to assault her that night and how she'd snapped and attacked him with the fire iron. How she'd run away, leaving the man back, screaming in agony.

For weeks Jo had thought the whole thing would come back to blow up in her face. That one day the police would show up at her door in the dormitory and arrest her, because Baker had pressed charges against her. But he never did, so Jo did what she always did; she blocked the whole thing out, acted like it never happened.

Jo paused, taking some shaky breaths as she clawed her fingers into the foam material of the couch.

Alex waited quietly until she was ready to continue. Jo could feel his eyes on her, but was unable to turn her head to meet his gaze.

"I tried to forget it ever happened," she went on, swallowing hard. She felt like she might break down any second, but she was determined to see this through. "I-I thought I would never see him again. But suddenly he was back in my life, at the hospital I work at and there was no escaping him. He threatened to tell everybody what I did to him… dig up what I did to Jason too. So I tried to keep a low profile, because I knew once Bailey got assigned chief of surgery he would disappear again. In the meantime, he used every minute to terrorise and taunt me in every possible way in- and outside the OR. But I was willing to endure it. I had to, if I wanted to prevent him from talking. But you... you noticed something was going on and you wouldn't stop pushing, so I... I..."

"So you broke up with me," Alex ended her sentence. He stated it so matter-of-factly, it was impossible to tell whether he was feeling angry or hurt or anything at all.

Jo nodded, sending a new flood of hot tears down her face.

Alex shifted closer. "Jo, why didn't you tell me any of this?" he asked softly.

"I didn't know how," Jo said, jumping up, because she couldn't allow his comfort, not yet. She was afraid she'd fall apart completely, if she let him get too close. "I almost killed a man, Alex. How was I supposed to tell you that?"

"You thought I would judge you for it? Hate you for defending yourself?" Wanting to be on eye-level with her, Alex rose to his feet. "Jo, I almost killed my own father when I was 15 years old and you knew that."

"That was different. You did it to protect your family," Jo reminded him.

"And you did it to protect yourself. As far as I'm concerned it's the same damn thing."

Jo shook her head. "It's not just that."

"Then what is it? Why didn't you confide in me? I don't get it. You... you were there for me when I freaked out, because Jimmy showed up at the hospital. You didn't let me push you away then, no matter how much I tried. And you were there during that stupid board seat fiasco. You even supported me when we were broken up and Mom and Amber came to Seattle... and when Mom died too. You were always there for me, Jo. And I don't get why you didn't allow me to do the same for you?" Jo could tell by the look in Alex's eyes how hurt he was.

"Because..." Searching for words, Jo ran her hands through her hair and stepped backwards. "God Alex, there are so many reasons. What it comes down to is, I didn't want to drag you into the mess I'd made." Tears glinted in her eyes and she was grateful for the three feet of distance between them. "You... you were the only person who bothered to stick around for me. Not just the first guy, but the first person ever. When I met you, you didn't even have furniture or kitchen utensils and somehow I thought it might be good for you that I was there. And we became friends and it was fun and suddenly we became more than friends. At first I was scared of it, but you made me believe that I wouldn't mess it up this time. That it could be good... for both of us. But when this... this landslide crashed down on me and brought back all the hurtful crap from my past, the only thing I could think of was, that I had to keep you out of it, no matter what."

Alex looked at Jo with terribly sad eyes, shaking his head over and over again. "I could have handled it."

"I know you could have, but I didn't want you to. You worked really hard to get where you are now and you've had your share of hardships and I-I just... couldn't make you part of this."

"But that wasn't your decision to make." Alex was so frustrated he was almost yelling. He briefly shut his eyes to get a grip of himself, then he reached for Jo's hands, lacing his fingers through hers. "Look, I know you're used to dealing with crap on your own, but it doesn't have to be that way anymore. There are people who care about you. I care about you. So please, let me decide how much I can handle, okay?"

She nodded, while simultaneously biting her lip. He was trying to be understanding, but he only knew half of the story. How much would he really be able to take? "Alex, I'm a mess," she said, making a last effort to give him an out.

"I'm not scared of that," he said vehemently.

Alex let go of Jo's hands, wanting to pull her into an embrace, but she raised her arms to stop him. "What I did to Baker, I... it wasn't the only time something like that happened."

Alex's forehead creased with confusion. "I know that. I know about Peckwell."

"That's not what I mean. It happened in high school. His name was Brandon Fletcher, he was my date for senior prom. But afterwards, in his car, he became pushy, urged me to sleep with him. I told him no, but he wouldn't listen, told me not to make such a fuss, after all it's just what you do after prom. When he tried to tear down my dress I punched him in the face. I punched him so many times I broke his nose. But the worst part is... it gave me a sense of empowerment. It was an elevating feeling, because for the first time I wasn't the victim, for the first time I was strong enough to stand up for myself. It was like I wanted to make this guy pay for all the other times I couldn't fight for myself."

Alex tried to take her hand again, but she backed away. "All the other times?" he asked, his voice cracking.

Jo stared at the ground, unable to resume speaking, with Alex standing right in front of her. So she turned around and walked to the window. Outside the city lights lit up the neighbourhood like lanterns. In the distance she could discern the silhouette of the space needle. It was still raining, which Jo found comforting, for it made her feel like the rain was drowning out her own voice.

Watching the raindrops chasing each other down the window pane, Jo told Alex what incident made her leave the foster system when she was sixteen years old. She also told him about the junkie, who beat her up for a few dollars and finally she told him what happened one night in a steel-coloured Range Rover on a deserted construction site. She gave away the most painful parts of her past and didn't even notice how the tears began streaming down her cheeks again while she was still staring at the dancing raindrops on the window pane.

Afterwards it was so quiet in the room Jo almost thought Alex had left. The truth was, part of her wanted him to be gone.

Up until this day, up until this very moment, she could have pretended in front of other people, even in front of herself, that she'd defeated the world more times than it had defeated her. She was the girl who got dealt a shitty hand from the start, but managed to turn things around for herself. She got into the best schools and became a surgeon despite never having had a family or a real home. If she ever told people about herself, she made sure this was what they took away from her story. The sad parts, the painful parts, they were nobody's business. It was not what she wanted to be defined by, not by other people nor by herself.

But now she'd revealed her most painful secrets to the one person she loved more than anyone else and it made her feel utterly exposed and vulnerable.

Minutes passed, Jo was still standing by the window, her arms wrapped around herself, shaking with silent sobs. The only audible sounds in the apartment came from the pouring rain outside.

But suddenly Jo felt the faintest touch of a hand on her shoulder and words came through to her, quiet words whispered into the silence, "Please tell me how I can help you?"

In an instant Jo turned around and wrapped her arms around Alex's neck. She hugged him so tightly like she couldn't even bear the thought of an inch of space between them. "It's okay, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." Alex leaned his head against Jo's, one hand resting on her back, while he stroked over her hair with the other one.

Jo didn't know how long they stood like that, tangled up in each other's arms. It could have been minutes or hours. But eventually she calmed down and stopped crying. She drew back a little and, with her eyes still closed, she stretched and kissed Alex's lips. It was just a tentative, fragile kiss, tasting salty from the all tears she'd been crying.

Only when she looked up into his eyes did it occur to Jo that she hadn't solely tasted her own tears on Alex's lips.


	20. Chapter 20

**Author's Notes: So this chapter was what I had in mind for the ending when I started writing this fic, but as the middle part grew larger and larger ;) the back part did too, so I still got a few chapters up my sleeve. I feel the Jolex fandom is slowly dying and it's just sad, because we're not talking about a ship where one or both characters are gone or dead and yet we get nothing... :(. I hope you guys will like this chapter, though.**

* * *

Chapter 20

After leaving a note for Stephanie, Alex and Jo went home together.

They were quiet on the way home, quiet when they went to bed. In the semi-darkness of the dimmed bedroom lights, they lay face to face and just stared at each other, seemingly mesmerized. They took each other in as if they hadn't seen one another in years. But they didn't speak, they didn't kiss, they barely even touched, except for their hands, clasped so tightly underneath the comforter, as if they were afraid to lose their connection. Although they were both dead tired, neither of them could even think about sleeping.

Ultimately it was Alex who broke the silence. "A penny for your thoughts?" Encouragingly he squeezed Jo's fingers. If she was at a dark place right now, he didn't want her to be there alone.

Jo replied with a simple shrug.

"Come on, talk to me."

"I was thinking, it's weird being back here."

"Good weird? Or bad weird?"

"Just..." Jo shrugged her shoulders again. "Different. I was thinking about the last time I lay in this bed, I mean the last time when things were still alright and it's only been a couple of weeks, but it almost feels like a different life. And I feel different. Like… there's this dark cloud hanging over me, filled with all the crap I kept locked away for so long and now that it's all out in the open, I'm scared I can't get rid of it anymore. I..." Jo hesitated, biting her lip. "I'm scared I can't go back to who I was before," she conceded quietly.

"Of course you can," Alex said fiercely. "This is just a bad patch. We're gonna work through this together and everything's gonna be okay. Okay?"

"Okay." She gave him a smile, but Alex could tell she wasn't entirely convinced.

"What about you?" Jo asked after a while. "What's going on in your mind right now?"

Alex started drawing circles on the back of Jo's hand with his thumb. A lot was going on in his mind, yet he didn't know what to say.

After what she'd just told him, he couldn't tell Jo that, looking into her hazel eyes, it was almost as if he was seeing her for the very first time, that it was different for him too, because for the first time she'd let him all in, for the first time she'd allowed him to see all of her - strengths, flaws, weakness, resilience - everything. Her life, the things she had to suffer through, could have led her down a very different path but she'd never given up, never stopped fighting. She was the bravest person he'd ever met, even though she might not feel that way herself.

And Alex couldn't tell Jo how strange it was that his heart felt heavy and light at the same time. Because what she'd told him tonight hurt him to the very core, but at the same time he was so ineffably glad to be close to her again.

Alex also couldn't tell her that part of him didn't want to be here, that he was itching to get into his car, drive to Lionel Baker's apartment and beat the living shit out of him for everything he'd done to her. Since all the other people who ever hurt Jo were out of reach for him, he wanted to make one of them pay at least. The only reason why Alex was still here was because he knew Jo needed him by her side now. Moreover he knew she wouldn't want him to get in trouble, deep down he was aware he'd hurt her more than help her if he went after the guy.

All these words, they seemed too big. Some of them were corny, some ugly. So in the end Alex just brushed his fingers over Jo's cheek and, smiling a little, he said, "I missed you so freaking much."

"That's all?"

"Yup, that's all."

Jo rolled her eyes. "No offence, but that's lame."

"What, you don't like hearing me say I missed you?" Alex asked, pretending to be insulted.

"I do, but I bared my soul to you all night, practically hurled out all my gross feelings and secrets and insecurities to you, and all you give me is 'I missed you'? I'm sorry, but that's anticlimactic. It's lame."

"Stop saying that!"

"It's lame," Jo reiterated.

"Shut up." Alex gave Jo a small push against the shoulder.

Laughing a little, Jo rolled on her back. "You're l-," she started again, but before she could finish the sentence Alex had bent over her and was kissing her, partly to shut her up and stop her from teasing him, but mostly because he was done just looking at her. He wanted to hold her and kiss her and never let her go. Jo put her arms around Alex's neck and kissed him back and the whole time there was this silly, little laugh hanging between them.

"Alex?" Jo whispered as she came up for air. "Want me to tell you something really, really lame?"

With his arms still circled around her torso, Alex turned on his back, spinning her around with him. "What?" he asked, looking up at her.

"I love you so freaking much."

Alex blinked at her and not for the first time that evening he didn't know what to say. After learning about Jo's secrets and the real reason why she had broken up with him, Alex thought he was past it, past needing to hear her say the words. He thought he could go a lifetime with Jo by his side and she would never have to say it, because he knew it anyways. Words were overrated, and Jo had always had her own ways of telling him how much she loved him. He could tell by the way she smiled at him and kissed him. Sometimes even a simple look was enough.

But hearing her say I Love You, it did mean something. Actually, it meant a lot.

"You know you can't take that back, don't you?" he asked with a smirk.

Jo looked into his eyes and cupped his face into her hands. "I know." She kissed him once more, then she snuggled close to him, resting her head on his torso as if it were a pillow. She closed her eyes and, with an exhausted yawn, buried her face deeper in her boyfriend's chest. While Alex adjusted the comforter, carefully draping it over her back, Jo was already falling asleep to the steady pounding of his heart against her skin.

* * *

The next morning Jo woke up early. But at least she had slept through the night, which was progress. Quietly, because she didn't want to wake Alex, she slipped out of bed and tiptoed to the closet. She hadn't brought any clothes with her and thus was hoping to find some leftover clothes she had forgotten when she'd moved to Stephanie. She rummaged through every shelf and drawer, but there was nothing, not even a spare pair of panties, which meant she would have to stop by at Stephanie's to grab some stuff on her way to work.

Behind her, Jo could hear the rustling of the blanket as Alex stretched in his sleep. From the corners of her eyes, she glimpsed how he turned to the right side of the bed, reaching out his hand for her. When he only touched cold sheets, where her warm body should be, his eyes snapped open.

"Hey," he mumbled sleepily as he caught sight of her standing in front of the closet. "You're up early."

"I was thinking about what I'm gonna wear to work today. All my clothes are at Steph's."

Alex yawned. "It's way too early to think about work. Come back to bed!"

Hesitatingly, Jo shifted from one leg to the other. She was still wearing the sweatpants and the same old sweater she wore yesterday. Not to mention she craved a shower. "Just take some of Robbins' clothes," Alex suggested, guessing what she was thinking. "She's in Maryland, she won't notice. Now come back to bed!"

Jo grimaced. Taking clothes from one of her bosses who wasn't even around to ask? Not very likely.

"Please, just come back to bed," Alex begged.

Jo smiled to herself. It was nice to see how much he longed to have her near him. But then she remembered, it had not always been this way. There were times when he'd shoved her aside for other people, making her feel like he took her for granted. She knew he hadn't done it on purpose, but it had still happened.

This time she wanted to be sure she could count on him even when she wasn't in the middle of a major life crisis. She needed him to understand he couldn't push her aside for his friends as soon as everything went back to normal.

How should she broach that subject, though? The last thing she wanted was to start a fight.

"What?" Alex asked as she approached the bed with a whimsical, almost challenging smile on her lips.

"Nothing." She squinted at him, still smiling strangely. "I was just wondering, did Meredith crawl into your bed when I was gone to comfort you?"

Alex frowned at her, obviously wondering why she would bring this up right now. "No, she did not. And FYI the way you just said that sounded wrong in so many ways."

Jo perched on the bed beside him. "Oh, but I'm sure you broke into the dream house in the middle of the night and threw Shepherd out of his own bed, because you needed to talk to Meredith?"

Alex scrunched his face. "What? No, of course not. That would be-"

"Crazy? Rude? Inappropriate?" she offered with a mischievous grin.

Alex rubbed his face, letting out a laugh as he finally realised where this was going. "All of the above."

He sat up and met Jo's gaze, his eyes were shining with sincerity as he went on. "Listen Jo, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I treated you like an appendix." Irritated, Jo furrowed her brows at Alex, who quickly tried to correct himself. "I mean, I'm sorry if I was dismissive or absent at times, and I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you're expendable to me. Because you're not. You're so not." As if to reinforce his words he moved closer, his lips tenderly brushing over hers. "You're by far the least expendable part of me, you gotta know that."

"Okay," Jo nodded. Then she rolled around, reached behind her for Alex's hand and like a blanket she pulled his arm around her waist, signalling him to huddle closer.

They were about to doze off, but it didn't take long before the sun started cracking through the shutters, illuminating the room with its bright light, while simultaneously serving as an unwelcome reminder that it was time to get ready for work after all.

"Jo?" Alex asked as she began to shift in his arms. "Was this one of the reasons?"

"Reason for what?"

"You said there are many reasons why you couldn't tell me any of the things you told me yesterday. Was the whole thing with Meredith one of the reasons?"

"No!" Jo denied quickly. "No..." She paused, taking a moment to reconsider. "Maybe subconsciously it was a reason," she admitted finally.

"But I thought we left that behind us? I thought we were good?"

"We were," Jo confirmed. "But we were good, because Dr. Shepherd came back from D.C. and made up with Meredith. The problem just disappeared, but we never really talked about it."

Alex laughed sadly. "Talking was never one of our strongest suits, huh?"

"No it wasn't," Jo agreed. "We just moved on and acted like it never happened. But it did, and I guess for a while I did feel expendable to you and something ... I think something between us got lost."

"What did get lost? Trust?" His voice sounded anxious.

"Maybe," Jo admitted after a beat.

Alex ran his hand over her forearm. "What can I do to fix this?"

Jo turned in his arms and planted a kiss on his cheek. "Nothing." With a reassuring smile, she shook her head so he would stop worrying. "It's already happening."


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

 **Two weeks later**

Jo stuffed a handful of Crispy Puffs in her mouth, as she heard footsteps in the living room. For a second she felt a clutch of panic, wondering if she'd cleared all signs that might reveal to Alex she'd spent most of the night on the couch. But she'd fluffed the couch cushions and put away the blanket, so everything should be fine.

Alex trotted into the kitchen and stopped behind Jo, sliding his strong arms around her waist. There was, however, a moment of hesitation when Alex let his hands rest on Jo's hips, like a warning, before circling them all around her middle. It was just an infinitesimal moment, probably insignificant, but it was enough to bother Jo, because it hadn't happened the first time. Whenever Alex approached Jo from behind, he faltered in his movements. It was as if he was afraid she'd recoil in his arms, startled by his touch.

"Why are you up already?" he asked, resting his cheek next to hers.

"Because unlike you, I have work today," she said, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling, settling in her gut.

"How about you skip work, go back upstairs and I fix us breakfast in bed?"

Jo stirred in Alex's arms and tipped her head back against his shoulder. He was radiating this cozy straight-out-of-bed heat and his stubble was tickling her skin. How could she turn down this offer? She had zero motivation for work that day and breakfast in bed sounded nice, corny but nice. Not to mention, it could lead to some other nice things as well.

She was about to say yes, but suddenly she remembered that those other nice things wouldn't be happening, no matter how much she wanted it, and her mood dropped.

Alex and she hadn't slept with each other since they'd gotten back together. At first that was okay for Jo. Kissing him, being held by him, falling asleep with his breath against her cheek, was all the bodily contact she wanted. But now she was ready for more.

Only Alex didn't seem to be interested in more. Whenever she tried to make a move, he found an excuse or acted like he didn't know what she was trying to do. Jo cringed as she remembered what a fool she'd made of herself the other day, when she'd tried to seduce him. She'd put quite some effort into her appearance. Lingerie, makeup, hair - everything was perfect. But Alex didn't care for any of it. He just gave her some lame excuse about needing sleep, because he was tired from work.

She shook of the embarrassing memory as well as Alex's soothing embrace. "I'm not skipping work," she said, digging her hand into the cereal box once more. Then she turned around, eyeing her boyfriend warily. "Besides, since when are we breakfast in bed people?"

Alex lifted his shoulders. "We could start now." He encircled her with his arms again and swayed her gently. "I could make you orange juice, bacon, coffee, waffles, whatever you want." Unimpressed, Jo glanced up into his hopeful eyes. "Come on, you know you can't resist my waffles," he tried to win her over.

Shaking her head, Jo drew back from him. "I need to shower, I don't wanna be late." She gave him a quick kiss, an apology for her crappy mood. "And you should go back to bed. Unless..." A saucy grin played on her lips as she decided to try once more. "Unless you want to join me in the shower?" She slipped her hands under Alex's black tank top and let her fingers explore what was underneath.

Instantly Alex pulled away. "I think I'll just stick to making you breakfast."

 _Of course._ Jo's smile faded, even though she'd expected the rejection.

Trying to hide her humiliation she headed for the stairs.

When she came back down, about 20 minutes later, showered and dressed, Alex was still in the kitchen. He was leaning against the kitchen counter, looking out the window. Two plates of waffles and two steaming hot cups of coffee had been set at the kitchen table. Jo's gaze wandered over the breakfast and back to her boyfriend. Something seemed wrong. Alex was gripping the brim of the counter so tightly, his knuckles bulged out.

As Jo stepped closer, tying her still somewhat wet hair into a ponytail, Alex turned to look at her. The expression on his face was a strange combination between turmoil and concern.

"Jo, when are you going to the police?"

Jo took a breath and averted her eyes. Sooner or later this whole thing was bound to come up again, although she'd hoped it wouldn't.

"You told me, you needed time to think about everything, time to think about how you're gonna deal with Baker and I agreed. You asked me not to tell anybody that we're back together, because it would only complicate things with Baker and I agreed. But it's been two weeks and you still haven't done anything. So I'm asking you, when are you going to the police?"

"Alex, I'm not going to the police," she said, finally meeting his gaze.

Alex inhaled sharply, forcing himself to stay calm. "Why not?"

"Because there's no use in it. And don't think I didn't think this through, because I did! But there's just no way anything good is gonna come out of it for me, if I press charges against him."

"He tried to-"

"I know, but the thing is, I can't prove it. I can't prove any of it. I don't have any witnesses, so it's my word against his. And he is a well-known and respected cardiothoracic surgeon and I'm just, well… me. Plus he has a permanent knee injury, which I caused. He would destroy me in court. He would bring up what I did to Jason and every other misdemeanor I've ever committed. I wouldn't stand a chance."

Alex ran his right hand over his mouth and closed his eyes for a moment. She knew this was hard on him, but she needed him to accept her decision. "Then talk to the board. Tell them what he did to you. Tell them how he's harassing you at work. Tell them to fire him."

"No," Jo said emphatically. The mere thought of standing in front of all the attendings, who would be looking at her with scrutinizing and judging eyes, while she told them about some of the most painful moments of her life made her want to puke.

"Then you just want to sit tight and do nothing?"

"Yes… no… I just…" Jo took a moment to think, choosing her words carefully. "Give it some time, okay? This is a problem that's going to resolve itself. I'm sure he'll be gone soon. The new interns are coming in a month, I bet Hunt is going to announce the new chief before then. And it's gonna be Bailey, you and I both know that. And then Baker is going to disappear and we never have to deal with him again."

Alex shook his head. "How's that supposed to work? Arizona is coming back tomorrow. We're already ignoring each other at work, because you don't want anybody besides Edwards to know, we're back together. So what are we gonna do now? Not see each other at all anymore?"

"Guess I'll have to start sneaking into your bedroom window, then?" Jo smiled conspiratorially. "Come on, this will be fun. We've been through something like that before. Hiding our relationship isn't new to us." She tried to put her arms around Alex's waist but he made a step back.

"No, it's not fun. I hated it then, and I hate it now. Why the hell are you so reluctant to report him to the board?"

Frustrated, Jo threw her hands in the air. "God, Alex, is that so hard to understand? They might not even believe me. Baker's been here for over two months now. They're just gonna ask why I didn't report him earlier, if he is such a threat. Besides, half of them know that Jason ended up in a hospital bed with a cerebral haemorrhage because of me. What will they do when they find out something like that happened before?" Jo paused like she wanted him to answer, but then she went on, before Alex could utter a word. "I'll tell you what they will do. They're gonna fire me. They will think I'm a liability for the hospital and throw me out of the program. I'll lose everything I've built for myself."

Alex reached for Jo's arms. "I promise you, this would never happen. I know these people. They will all have your back. All of them, even Meredith. I know you have issues with her, but she-"

As soon as Alex mentioned Meredith's name, Jo broke away from him. "Of course you have to bring her into this," she huffed indignantly.

"Hey, calm down," Alex said, slightly irritated. "I just wanted to say that she's been through some traumatic stuff as well and that she would understand."

"Oh really? Meredith Grey would understand?" Jo snapped sarcastically. "Did she almost kill one of her med school teachers with a fire iron too?"

"No, but-"

"Then she won't understand," Jo cut him off. She lowered her head and stared at the floor boards. Then she let out a scornful laugh. "That's funny actually," she muttered. "Like I would talk to Meredith Grey of all people. That woman doesn't trust me, but you want me to open up to her."

"What do you mean, she doesn't trust you?" Alex frowned.

Jo raised her head and glowered at him. "Remember when I offered to babysit her kids?" Alex nodded. "Why do you think Zola and Bailey never showed up at our door? It's because she doesn't want me to look after her kids. Which tells me she doesn't trust me."

"Jo-"

But she wasn't finished yet. "Don't you think I know what she thinks of me? That I'm some sort of criminal? Well, guess what? She's right."

"She's not right," Alex yelled, and then, in a quieter, gentler tone, he added, "Someone tried to hurt you and you defended yourself, that's not…" Helplessly he ran his hands through his hair. "Look, I'm gonna talk to her about that, alright? Nobody is going to throw you out of the program, I won't let that happen."

But the image of Alex advocating for his crazy mess of a girlfriend in front of his friends just made Jo feel worse. Bubbling over with anger and rage, she banged her fist on the counter. "I don't want you to talk to her about me, goddamn it. I want you to accept that we're not friends. She's my boss and that's all she is. They're all my bosses. I know you're close to them, but I'm not. And I don't want them to know certain things about me. Unlike everybody else I'm not keen on washing my dirty laundry in front of the whole medical staff."

Jo shoved her way past Alex, ignoring the tinge of guilt she felt as she passed the table with the waffles and the coffee, which was already getting cold. She had to get out of this house. She couldn't care less that it was actually still early for work. She'd rather sit around in the resident's locker room than continue this discussion with him.

Alex followed her into the hallway. "I know you're working with him today," he said as Jo slipped into her jacket.

So this was what this was all about - the breakfast-in-bed thing, him urging her to skip work - it was all about keeping her away from the hospital. Her nostrils flared as a fresh surge of fury filled her up inside. She was angry and disappointed Alex would pull that sort of manipulative bullshit. "So?" she asked coolly.

"So?" he repeated, squinting at her incredulously. "Do you expect me to just ignore that? Do you have any idea how it feels to have to see this son of a bitch everyday at work, knowing what he almost did to you? Do you have any idea how much I'm aching to smash his head into a wall every time I see him? And I swear to God I'm gonna do it, if he… if you…" he trailed off.

Jo sucked in a breath. And with a softer voice, because she realized it was unfair to disregard Alex's feelings about the whole situation, she said, "Look, I know it seems bad, but it really isn't that big of a deal. Today is the first day I'm on his service in weeks. And other than that I barely even see him at the hospital. I really think things are calming down. Just one more month, that's all I'm asking for."

"You can't be sure if he'll leave, when they pick Bailey as chief. What if they offer him a different position?" Alex pointed out.

"What kind of position? We already have a cardio chief and Dr. Pierce is Grey's sister and Webber's daughter, so they're not gonna degrade her. And Baker is too arrogant to accept a job as a regular cardio attending, so he'll decline and disappear." She forced a smile. "Sometimes it's better to keep a low profile and wait till things blow over. Trust me, I would know."

In the mirror that hung beside the coat rack she caught a glimpse of her face, her pale skin and the shadowy rings beneath her eyes a sharp contrast to her fake optimism and equally fake smile.

Quickly Jo glanced away and buried her hands in the pockets of her jacket, digging for her car keys. When she couldn't find them, she started rummaging in her purse. Chapstick, cellphone, pen, wallet, mints. _Finally, keys!_

As she looked up, Alex was still standing there, his eyes glaring at her. But Jo knew, behind his clenched jaw and the angry lines on his forehead, he was just hiding his solicitude and fear.

"Hey, I can take it, stop worrying," she assured him encouragingly. But Alex's face became darker and darker, even as Jo raised her hand and tenderly stroked his cheek. "Really, I'm doing better now. I'm fine."

"You're not fine," Alex exploded suddenly. "You think I don't know you have nightmares? Or that most nights you don't sleep at all and wander around the house doing God knows what? You're not fine, and you won't be as long as this guy is still here. So cut the crap, Jo. This is not something that will just blow over, this is not something you can avoid until it goes away. You don't wanna deal with Baker or with any of your crap, because you're scared and because it's gonna be painful, I get that. But sometimes you have to face the painful things and work through them, before you can move on." He reached for her hand. "I told you, you don't have to do this alone," he whispered. "I'm right here."

Jo tore her hand away from his. "Like you have any right at all to lecture me about avoiding things," the resident sneered as she buttoned up her jacket. "You, you can't even…" She stopped short, before she could say anything embarrassing. This was so not the right time to bring up their sex issues.

She swallowed, then started over. "You shove stuff aside all the fucking time. Your dad, your payment books for your student loans - you didn't want to deal with any of it. Not to mention you couldn't even face your own family for more than a decade. You abandoned them and I was the one who had to console your sister, when she broke down crying, because she couldn't understand why her own brother would cut her out of his life for good. You're the king of avoiding things, so don't you dare lecture me on how to deal with something that could jeopardize my entire career and everything I've worked so damn hard for."

Throwing his family into his face - it was a low blow, Jo knew it, yet, in that moment, she didn't allow herself to care. She grabbed her purse and without a backward glance she left the house, slamming the door behind her.

"I thought you were done running," she heard Alex's frustrated voice shout after her. But he didn't follow her, and Jo was relieved.

* * *

 **Author's Notes: Since the question came up in one of the reviews before and might come up again after this one, I wanted to say that the way I'm writing this story does not reflect my views on the husband reveal on the show. I know some elements are similar - it was bound to happen since both, the story I am telling and the story the show is (not) telling, deal with how Jo got hurt by people in her past. But all in all I think the circumstances are still pretty different.**

 **BTW Alex made Jo waffles for breakfast, because I kind of wanted to fix that annoying Waffle Sunday scene from s13. (Yeah, I'm petty like that.)**


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

Jo didn't go home after work that day; instead she dropped by Stephanie's. After her reconciliation with Alex, Jo had talked to Stephanie. She'd confided in her and told her most of the things she'd told Alex. After all Stephanie was her best friend and she had supported her so much during the break-up, Jo thought she deserved to know what was really going on in her life.

"I didn't expect to see you back here so soon. I thought you'd spend every moment with your boyfriend now that you're back together," Stephanie said as she handed Jo a beer from the fridge. "Where is Alex tonight?"

"At the bar with Meredith? Or Jackson? Maybe he's at home?" Jo shrugged and sat down at the kitchen table, immediately opening the beer bottle and taking a sip. "I don't know, I don't care."

Stephanie threw her friend a coaster for the beer bottle, then perched on a chair opposite of Jo's. "You don't care? You've been back together for two weeks. What happened? Is he back to acting like an ass already?"

"No, the opposite actually." Jo took another sip of beer. "He's sweet, he's caring and considerate. Always asking how I'm doing, if I need anything…"

"Wow, sounds absolutely horrible," Stephanie said sarcastically.

"It's driving me insane, Steph. Especially because…" Jo trailed off.

"Because?" Stephanie prompted.

"He's not sleeping with me. He's scared of touching me or something," Jo started scratching at the label of the beer bottle. Saying it out loud sounded weird, but that was how it felt.

Not that Alex wasn't affectionate. Quite the contrary actually, he wrapped her into an embrace or pressed soft kisses on her temple every chance he got. But those things were just an expression of his never-ending worries about her. While he was holding her, he still made her feel like he couldn't properly touch her.

"Jo, give him time. If you told him half the things you told me, I can understand he might be a little… hesitant. He's probably just overwhelmed and doesn't know how to deal with everything."

"But we never had a problem with sex and those things he's scared of, they were there all along."

"Not for him," Stephanie pointed out.

"Fine, but he always knew that my life was crap and he should know I can deal with it." Jo shook her head. "I want things to be normal again. I want things to go back to how they used to be."

"Oh, so you want him to spend the majority of his time with his friends again?" Stephanie grinned.

"Haha." Jo shot her friend a nasty look. "I just want us to feel like us again. Is that so wrong?"

"No, it's not." Stephanie crossed her legs and went silent for a moment. "Does Alex know you wanna sleep with him? I mean, did you tell him?"

"Yes… well no, not with words anyways. But I showed him, you know. I gave him signs."

"Well, maybe he didn't understand the signs?"

"Are you kidding? He's Alex, he knows the signs." Jo stared at the striped table runner in front of her. "I'm starting to think he's just over me," she said, taking another sip from her beer, to make the confession sound more casual, although it had been pestering her for some time.

Stephanie tried to appease her friend. "Jo, I don't think that's true. There's no way he's over you."

"Steph, he ignored my sexy underwear," Jo exclaimed heatedly. "He literally fell asleep over my sexy underwear."

"Okay, I take it back, he's definitely over you."

It was a joke, but Jo didn't laugh. Comfortingly Stephanie reached for her friend's hand. "Come on, Jo! You're hot! He's gonna come around eventually. He just needs a little time."

Jo made a failed attempt at a smile. "Yeah, you're probably right."

Suddenly she felt tired, so incredibly tired and exhausted. She just wanted to turn her mind off and sleep. But sleep didn't come easily these days, not even when she was craving it. And after this morning's argument, she knew she wouldn't be able to find any peace of mind at Alex's place.

"Steph, can I sleep here tonight?" she asked quietly, as she rested her head on the table.

Stephanie raised a questioning eyebrow at her. "Alex and I had a fight this morning, a really bad one," Jo explained.

"Over your non-existent sex life?"

With her cheek still pressed against the wooden tabletop, Jo closed her eyes. "No, not that," she mumbled.

"About Baker?"

Jo nodded lightly. "Alex wants me to report him to the board, so they can throw him out. He doesn't get that by doing that I'm putting my career, my whole life on the line."

"Girl, I think he's right. You need to do something about that bastard."

Jo straightened up and rubbed her face. She couldn't go over this again. "Can I crash here or not?" she repeated impatiently.

"Sure, you can. You're my friend. You can always crash here. But as your friend, I think I'm also allowed to call you out when you're being stupid. And right now you're being pretty stupid. You've got issues Jo, and you're not dealing with them. And you know what I think? This whole obsession with getting your sex life back on track is just an expression of your denial. It's like you need this to work, like you're clinging to this one piece of normalcy, because everything else is overwhelming you. It's complicated and messy and painful and so you push it away. And because your boyfriend isn't playing along, you push him away too."

Jo lowered her gaze, thinking about her friend's words. Was Stephanie right? Was sex something she used to make herself feel better?

She thought back to the night of the big storm, the night where everything was horrible, because she'd freaked out on Jason and Heather was dying and the hospital was overflowing with storm victims. And amidst all that chaos there was only one thing that was good, one thing that grounded her a little bit.

And that one thing was Alex.

Alex, who had told her he loved her, despite everything that had happened before.

So she decided to focus on the good thing, the pleasant thing. And a shirtless Alex was a very pleasant thing. They'd been trying to get it on in an on-call room several times that night. After all, jumping into bed with Alex was easier than thinking about a dying Heather, or her black eye and bruised lip, or the fact that Jason had had brain surgery because of her.

She'd tried to block it all out.

Was she doing the same now?

"Did you quit the surgery program and switch to psychology all of a sudden?" Jo asked flippantly, as she met Stephanie's eyes. "I didn't come here to get another lecture, you know?"

Stephanie crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Then what did you come here for? So I would help you curse your idiot boyfriend?"

Jo responded with a wry smile. "Maybe."

"Oh, believe me, I hate being on his side. I mean, when you broke up with him, a part of me thought 'Thank God, she's finally seen the light'. But then you told me what was really going on with you and… I gotta admit, this time he really came through for you."

Jo took a deep breath. "I know, I know."

Stephanie rose to her feet and yawned. "But you still want to crash here tonight, don't you?"

Jo pressed her lips together and nodded.

Stephanie shook her head deprecatingly. For a moment it looked like she wanted to say something else, but then she yawned, wished Jo a good night and retreated to her bedroom.

Jo took out her cell phone and wrote Alex a text message. She only wrote three words.

 _Crashing at Steph's._

* * *

Early the next morning, Jo went to the docks. She picked a bench with a nice view over Elliot Bay, sat down and watched the ferries as they came and went. In the last two months she'd been here so frequently, it had become a habit.

Like most mornings in Seattle, it was a chilly one, although the lack of rain was already a win. Ghostly fog patches hung in the air, making the sky look as overcast as Jo's mind felt.

The cold, black cloud was still there, still hanging over her, reminding her of all her open wounds and she didn't know how to get rid of it. And like that wasn't bad enough, the fight with Alex was still nagging at her as well.

Contrary to what she'd hoped, talking with Stephanie the other night had not helped to ease her mind, either.

Her friend had a point, Jo could admit that much. However, her longing to get her sex life back on track wasn't just about avoiding her problems and craving normalcy. She didn't want to talk with Stephanie about it, but there was more to it.

Jo had no doubt that Alex still loved her. But lately it felt like his love was changing into something else. She knew he was not over her completely, but it definitely looked like he was over the passion and the desire he'd once felt for her. He was treating her differently and his worried eyes seemed to follow her, wherever she went. It felt like he'd put her into a box and labelled it "handle with care".

She knew Alex would never walk out on her. Taking care of people was such an intrinsic part of him, it was basically in his blood. But Jo couldn't find any comfort in that fact.

For she couldn't be that. She couldn't be just another messed up woman in Alex's life; someone he felt the need to take care of. She couldn't be someone he felt sorry for. She'd had enough pity in her life, when she was a ragged street kid. If she'd now become a charity case for the man she loved, she'd rather he broke up with her for good.

And had she not seen this coming? Had she not guessed, that, once she told tell him what had happened to her, everything would be different?

Jo yawned, keeping her eyes closed for a moment. She was still tired. And it was the worst kind of tired, the kind of tired you feel, when you're so exhausted, you want nothing more but sleep, but at the same time your mind won't shut down, so you're damned to lie awake, listening to that relentlessly rattling brain of yours for hours and hours.

Not for the first time in the last couple of weeks Jo wondered, if she should look for help - the professional kind of help. Maybe a therapist could help her sort out her mind, get rid of some of the baggage. Then again the mere idea of sitting on a couch in some shrink's office to talk about her problems seemed weird to her.

A lonesome seagull landed on the railing in front of her and eyed Jo intently, while it's friends were circling around in the thick mist overhead. Jo couldn't see them, but hear their shrieking cries.

Something inside her tugged at her, told her to quit pondering, told her to go home. But where would she even go? Neither Alex's house nor Stephanie's apartment really felt like home to Jo right now.

Another ferry, coming from Bainbridge Island, drew closer. Some early tourists hurried down the stairs as soon as the ship docked. Behind the tourists Jo noticed three men in suits, looking very important with the expensive leather briefcases they carried with them. Jo figured they were residents from the island who worked in the city and commuted to work via ferryboat.

A look at her watch told the young doctor it was time for her to go to work as well. Maybe that was it, she thought. Since she spent most of her time there anyways, she might as well consider the hospital her home.

* * *

 **Author's Notes: I won't make you wait very long for the next chapter. It's practically finished and just needs some editing, so it's definitely coming sometime next week. I'm just not sure whether I should post it before or after 13x14 (which hopefully is an episode that will deliver some good things for us), but I'll probably post it before. Unless you want me to wait ;)**


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Before rounds the next morning, Jo met Alex in the elevator. The doctors could always count on running into people they were trying to avoid in the Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital elevators.

Jo was on her way up to the top floor, when the elevator stopped on the second floor. The doors slid open and suddenly Alex stood in front of her. For a second they just stared at each other, dumbfounded.

Hesitantly, the peds surgeon stepped in. "Hey."

"Hi."

Jo was standing in the back corner, cursing the elevator gods, while Alex remained in the front, glancing at her, uncertain what to do or say next. Eventually he pushed the button for the fifth floor and turned his back on her, as if he'd decided it was best to give her space - physical space that was.

"How... how was it yesterday?" he asked over his shoulder. If he wanted to make the question sound casual, he was doing a lousy job at concealing the concern in his voice.

"It was alright," Jo replied vaguely, her tone gruff, although she knew it was unfair to be rude.

"And today? Are you on his service again?"

The resident sighed quietly. "Yes."

She could see how Alex's shoulders tensed at her reply. As he wheeled around, she fully expected him to go on an angry tirade about Baker, but when he looked at her, there was only a brief flash of frustration, before his gaze softened. As he spoke his voice was calm. "Listen, I'm sorry about our fight yesterday. I don't want to fight and I sure as hell don't want to lose you again. The only thing I'm trying to do is help you."

Jo looked at him for a long moment with narrowed eyes and tight lips. "You wanna help me?" she inquired. But before Alex could answer, she made two steps towards him, wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. It was not a sweet 'let's make up and move on' kiss though. It was a deep and demanding kiss, intended to give him an exact idea of how he could help her.

The cold, dark cloud inside her head was too powerful, she wanted to think about something else, she wanted to feel something else. She wanted to feel _him._

After a moment of indulgence Alex pulled away. "Jo, we can't..."

He was right about that. They couldn't do it here, standing in an elevator of a very busy hospital, where the doors could open any moment and reveal them to patients and medical staff alike.

"Come with me," Jo said as the elevator came to a halt on the fifth floor. Resolutely she took Alex's hand, leading him down the hallway and into the first on-call room she could find.

She locked the door behind them and approached him again. As her hand came up to his face, Alex gently but assertively grabbed her wrist to stop her. "Jo..."

Jo shook his hand off. With angry sparks in her eyes she glowered at him. She wanted to yell at him, but then she just shook her head and lowered her gaze, fixing it on her sketchers.

When she looked up again, there was a sheen of tears in her eyes. "What are we even doing here, Alex? Why are you still with me, when you don't even want to...," She bit down on her lip. "Is it some kind of savior complex? You're not into me anymore, but you can't leave me either, because I'm this sad, messed up, poor thing you feel responsible for? Have I become an obligation to you?"

"Of course not. I'm just worried about you. And Baker is-"

"For God's sake, this isn't about him. This is about you and me. Don't you get that?" Frustrated Jo gestured with her hands, at herself, at him. "I can see that you're worried. But is that all you feel for me anymore? Do you still love me? Do you still want to..." She couldn't bring herself to finish the question. Asking it out loud made her feel incredibly embarrassed and needy. Was she basically begging her boyfriend for sex now? And why the hell was her voice wavering so much, making the whole situation even more humiliating?

As the tears threatened to spill down her cheeks, Jo's first instinct was to turn away and hide them from Alex. But then she just wiped over her face, rephrasing her previous question, because she needed to know the answer regardless. "Do you still love me the way you loved me before all this crap happened? Because I don't want you to be with me only because breaking up with the crazy girl is something you can't square with your conscience. Really, if you wanna go, just go, I'm not-"

"Hey, you stop right there." Alex put his hands on Jo's arms to make sure she wouldn't turn away from him. "You're not crazy. You've just been through a lot of crap," he reassured her as he rested his head against hers. "I love you, Jo. I love you so much, you have no idea. And of course I still want you."

He drew back, so he could look at her properly. His brown eyes were shining with certainty as he went on. "I want all of you, Jo. If I'm going overboard with being protective, I'm sorry. But it's never because you're an obligation to me. You can't think that. The only reason I'm doing it, is because I'm stupidly and madly in love with you and I want you to be safe and happy. Don't you know that?"

Jo nodded, blinking her tears away. "Just stop treating me with kid gloves, please? I can't take that."

"Deal. And if I wanna break up, I'm just gonna do it. Seriously, you can be a real pain in the ass, I'm probably sick of you by next month anyways. Or next week. Or tomorrow. Who knows? Either way, I'm not gonna hesitate to dump your sorry ass when it's time, trust me."

Jo did her best to bite back a laugh. In some weird way, Alex teasing her that way gave her hope. Hope things were starting to go back to normal after all. Hope that they were still the same people, in spite of all the pain they both had endured in the last two months.

"I'm a pain in the ass?" she asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest as she went along with the charade. "Well, in case you didn't know, you're a jerk! And who's to say it's not me who gets sick of you first? Maybe you don't even have to wait till tomorrow for that to happen, because I already am? Maybe we should call it quits right here, right now?"

"Shut up," Alex whispered with a grin as he circled his arms around her waist and pulled her close. His lips brushed over hers as he spoke.

As they started kissing, both avid for each other and full of passion now, Jo grabbed the hem of Alex's scrubs shirt and pulled it up; he did the same with hers. As soon as they were both stripped down to their underwear, his kisses moved down her neck to her shoulders. Jo buried her hands in Alex's hair and inhaled his scent as he pulled down the strap of her bra so he could caress every inch of her soft skin.

Jo took a deep breath as a surge of exhilaration fizzed through her body. Oh, how she had missed this! She felt Alex's hands glide from her hips to the small of her back, his fingertips tracing over her spine as they slowly wandered upwards. He lowered his head and his mouth moved down her cleavage, planting soft kisses at the border between the fabric of the bra and her skin. He was like an explorer, who'd discovered uncharted territory and was now eager to get to know every little piece of it.

It was a familiar feeling actually, one Jo had missed and craved for weeks. They'd made love a hundred times before, but that electrifying feeling, which flooded through her, when Alex's hands and lips moved over her body - like touching her was a privilege and an adventure to him - it never went away. The fact that this was their first time after so many weeks made the sensation all the more intense.

Jo jumped up and wrapped her legs around Alex's waist, placed her hands on his cheeks and kissed him harder, impatient all of a sudden.

Fighting with the hooks of her bra, Alex carried her to the bed, where he bent over and gently let her down on the lower bunk.

As he was about to straighten up again, he moved so fast and uncoordinated, he hit his head on the top bunk. There was an ugly thumping noise as Alex's head met the metal bed frame with full force. The sharp pain immediately brought tears to his eyes.

"Ow! Oh shit. Ouch. Goddamnit," he cursed between gritted teeth as he rubbed his pounding head and tumbled backwards. Jo shifted towards the wall and patted the mattress with her hand, indicating her boyfriend to lie down. Alex blinked a couple of times, since a veil of tears had started to obscure his vision. But he got the hint and fell down on the narrow bed beside Jo "This really fucking hurts," he mumbled as he buried his face in her chest and groaned.

Suddenly Jo burst into laughter. She tried to hold it back but she couldn't help it. It wasn't that she was making fun of Alex getting hurt, but the whole situation was just too goddamn ridiculous. A mere minute ago she'd been thinking about sex with Alex like it was some grand, epic, life-altering experience and now they were lying half-naked in this tiny and frankly impractical on-call room bed, her bra straps tangling loosely around her arms as her boyfriend was practically crying on her scarcely covered boobs.

But that was just another aspect of their love life she appreciated so much. Sometimes sex wasn't big and significant, sometimes it was just silly and chaotic. And other times it was funny and experimental. What mattered, though, was that she felt safe, when she was with Alex. She knew she could always trust him with her body.

Alex of course, who couldn't know what was going on in her mind, was less than thrilled when she burst into unbridled laughter. "Glad to hear my pain is entertaining you," he said sarcastically. "I probably have a concussion. I'm probably dying right now," he added to stress the severity of his injury.

Jo pressed her lips together to suppress another laugh. "I'm sorry, so sorry. Come here," she took his head into her hands and dropped gentle kisses on its top. "Better?"

Alex grunted approvingly, snuggled close to her, then groped for her right hand and knot his fingers with hers. They lay quietly for some time, Alex using Jo's shoulder as a pillow, while she comfortingly stroked his head with her right hand.

She almost thought he had fallen asleep, when he suddenly started kissing her collarbone and her neck. "You still up for this?" he asked, looking up at her.

Jo grinned. "Absolutely."

"Okay, but then you're on top," he said as he embraced her and turned around with her in his arms, so she had the top position. "Take care of your head," he smirked. Before Jo could retort anything he'd cupped her face into his hands and pulled her down for a long, deep kiss.

This time it worked without any further accidents. They drew careful, but meticulous maps on each other's skin with their hands and covered each other's bodies with hot kisses. As they got lost in each other, they let go of their problems and all their pain. They forgot about the hospital and the whole universe around them. For a precious while it was like they were the only people who even existed.

Afterwards Jo lay on her stomach, while Alex planted gentle, butterfly kisses between her shoulder blades. The sheets were draped loosely around both their waists. Jo stretched her arm and with her fingers she started drawing random patterns on the floor.

She wasn't feeling well. Although her skin was still tingling in all the places Alex had suffused it with touches of his hands and lips, the cold, black cloud still hung over her. It was silly of her to think sex would change anything to begin with. She had to face the truth, she couldn't work through this on her own. And she had to get away from Lionel Baker, or she would never be able to heal.

"You feeling better?" Alex asked.

"No," Jo admitted bluntly.

"I'm trying to not take that personally," Alex sighed as he fell back against the pillow.

Jo turned on her left side. Propping her head on her arm she looked at him. "You shouldn't. You were great. It's-"

"Oh no!" Alex grimaced as if he were in pain. "Now you're handing out compliments for sex? This is getting worse and worse."

"Shut up," Jo said, playfully swatting his arm.

Alex laughed, but then his gaze became serious again. A tinge of sadness flickered across his face as his fingertips trailed the dark circles under her eyes. "So what are we doing now? Running away to New York together?"

Incredulously Jo creased her forehead. "You wanna run away with me?"

Alex shrugged his shoulders. "Remember when I asked you to let me decide what I can handle? One thing I can absolutely not handle is Baker being anywhere near you. I want that son of a bitch as far away from you as possible. I want you to be safe," he added, glancing at he lovingly. "And I want to be with you. At the end of the day I don't really care where that is."

Swiftly Jo pecked Alex's cheek. "You're dumb. You're sweet, but you're dumb. I declined the New York offer over a week ago. I'm not running, not this time. I would if I were alone... God knows, four weeks ago there was nothing I wanted to do more than run... but the point is, I'm not alone anymore. It's you and me now. And this is our life." She squeezed his hand to reinforce her words. "So I'm gonna do the grown-up thing and face the pain and the difficult things and not run away from them or block them out again. It's not working anyways."

She paused, chewing her lip. "You were right yesterday, I need to do something about Baker. I can't know if he'll ever disappear and I can't just sit it out. I'm still not going to the police and that's something you're gonna have to accept." Jo looked straight into Alex's eyes, waiting for a sign of confirmation. The muscles in his face tightened, but then he nodded ever so slightly and reluctantly.

"I'm going to report him to the board, like you suggested. But not the whole board," she clarified as she went on. "I don't want all of them to know about my history with him and you gotta accept that too. But I was thinking... if I only tell one of them and that person explains the situation to the other board members... anonymously of course, do you think that will do? Will it be enough to get rid of him?"

Alex's expression softened. "I'm sure it will be," he said, tenderly brushing her cheek with his thumb. "Who do you want to talk to?"

Jo took a breath. "Arizona." She wasn't thrilled about it, after all they shared a house and she'd rather tell someone who she didn't have to see basically every day, but apart from that Arizona was the only one she felt comfortable enough to tell something so personal and hurtful.

"Okay that's good. Anything else?"

"No. I mean, yes. There's something..." Jo hesitated, "I was thinking, I should probably talk to someone, I mean... I should probably go to Dr. Wyatt. Maybe she can help me... work through my crap and the sleep disorder and all. What do you think?"

He gave her a proud smile. "I think that's a good idea."

Turning on her back, she nodded uncertainly as she fixed her gaze at the top bunk. She was still not sure whether a therapy would even help her. But she had to try something. She wanted to get her old life back. She wanted to get her old self back.

Alex stroked Jo's forehead and let his fingers run through her hair. "Can you do me a favor, though? Next time you can't sleep, wake me up, okay? I hate waking up without you by my side."

"Okay," Jo smiled. Absentmindedly she let her fingertips run over the smooth skin of his biceps. "By the way, I'm sorry I was such a bitch yesterday."

"It's already forgotten. I'm sorry too," he added. "For not... joining you in the shower and for ignoring your sexy underwear. I got scared. I didn't think you were ready for this, I-"

"I know," Jo interrupted him, reaching for his hand. "But..." She placed Alex's hand between her bare breasts, at the spot right above her heart. With her own small hand covering his, she lingered for a moment, so Alex could feel her heartbeat underneath his palm, strong, resilient and - due to recent activities - a little accelerated. She needed him to understand that she was not fragile, not broken. "Let me decide how much I can handle, okay?" she said, echoing his own words back at him. Then she guided his hand over her midriff, the soft curve of her belly and under the blanket further down south.

Neither Alex nor Jo went to work that day. After they'd made love for the second time that morning, they snuck out of the hospital like thieves, careful not to be seen by anyone. They both called in sick and spent the day at home together. After all, they had a lot of catching up to do.

* * *

 **Author's Notes: I hope you liked this chapter, I actually really enjoyed writing it.**

 **I know, more often than not, I make you wait too long for new updates, so here's a little heads-up: This is the last chapter for the next couple of weeks, if not months. It's NOT the end of the story. I've got another 5-6 chapters planned, but I feel like I need a break.**

 **I'm still gonna be writing, but I'm not gonna pressure myself anymore and I'll probably write down the rest of the story, before I publish any more chapters. That way you're gonna get more regular updates once I come back. I feel like I've lost a lot of readers over time and while I doubt this approach is going to bring them back, I do think it's gonna be more enjoyable for those of you who are so incredibly loyal to this story. (THANK YOU for all your loyalty btw.)**

 **I know unfinished stories are an agonising thing for fanfiction readers, but I promise I'm not done here :)**


	24. Chapter 24

**Author's Notes:**

 **Hey guys, I know it's been a while, but now I'm finally back with a brand new chapter.**

 **If there's one good thing that came out of that disappointing season and especially the utter let-down that was the finale, it's that I got more motivated to write again.** **So here we are. Please read, review and enjoy :)**

 **PS: The next chapter will be up in a couple of days.**

* * *

Chapter 24

Four days later, Alex dropped Jo off at a corner near the hospital before he drove off looking for a parking space. Jo had asked him to let her out earlier, so they wouldn't be seen entering the hospital together. Although the board had officially fired Lionel Baker, she wanted to keep a low profile a little while longer. Jo had told Arizona about her history with her former teacher and as Jo had hoped, she'd set Baker's dismissal in motion. Besides Stephanie, the blonde attending was also the only one who knew about her and Alex being back together.

For now Jo didn't want any more people to know. The Grey-Sloan staff was always prone to gossip and it probably wouldn't be that hard to connect Baker's departure to her reunion with Alex. People would be speculating and although it would be the wrong kind of speculation - they would most likely think she'd dumped one attending boyfriend to go back to her previous one - Jo would rather avoid gossip altogether.

The resident yawned as she crossed the parking lot, approaching the hospital entrance. It was early in the morning; the sun had briefly graced Seattle with its presence, but was now hiding behind some heavy clouds. Aside from the snickering laughter of two young nurses who were about to enter the building, it was completely quiet. One of the nurses reached for the door, but in the same moment somebody else pushed it open from inside.

At first Jo didn't recognize the man who exited the hospital; she was too far away. His faltering walk was the first thing that gave him away. A moment later she noticed the crutch he used for support.

A chill went through Jo's entire body. There was no doubt, it was Lionel Baker.

He was pulling a shiny black suitcase behind him, so Jo figured he'd probably come back to get his belongings - badge, lab coat and other things. It would have been a much more satisfying sight if he'd been crawling away clutching a pathetic, little cardboard box filled with his stuff. The suitcase made it look like he was going on a freaking vacation.

Jo's steps slowed down. She had hoped she would never have to face this man again. What should she do now? Walk past him and act like she didn't see him? Turn around and hide and wait till he was gone?

 _No._ She was not a coward. She would not run away from him. She took a deep breath, ignored the queasy feeling in her stomach and proceeded.

She would walk past him and act like he wasn't there. She wouldn't even look at him. The closer she came to the hospital entrance - and her former teacher - the more Jo's eyes were glued to the floor. But suddenly there was something blocking her way. A silvery stick was held out in front of her, so that she almost stumbled over it.

Baker's crutch.

"It was you, wasn't it?" he barked angrily. "You're the one who got me fired."

Jo wanted to step over the crutch, but Baker grabbed her arm. "You're gonna pay for this, you vile little bitch."

"Let me go," she cried, shaking off his hand. But Baker didn't give up that easily. He dropped his walking aid to the floor and grabbed her wrist, squeezing it tightly. With his other hand he lunged forward and hit Jo hard across the face. His hand came down on her like a whip. As she struggled to break away, Baker hit her again. A burning pain started to spread all over the left side of Jo's face. She could feel the blood banging in her eardrums.

And then, all of a sudden, like he came out of nowhere, Alex was there. He darted at Baker and pulled him away from Jo. "Leave her alone," he yelled as he gripped the older man's collar. He dragged him towards the trees lining the parking lot, further away from Jo. Then he balled his hand into a fist and raised it over Baker's head.

"Alex, don't!" Ignoring the throbbing pain in her face, Jo rushed to Alex's side. "Alex, stop! Don't do this! Please, don't!" With flaring nostrils, Alex stared down at Baker like a shark that had smelled blood. Desperately Jo started tugging at his arm. "Alex, just let him go. Please. Please, don't do this."

Alex looked from Baker to Jo, then back to Baker. The moment lengthened as his gaze rested on the other man's face, but ultimately he let his fist sink. He grabbed the cardiothoracic surgeon tighter by the collar and pulled him close to his face. Baker's eyes widened with fear. "Listen to me, you sick bastard," Alex hissed, "you're gonna leave town and never come back. If I ever see you anywhere near Jo again, I'm gonna pick up where I left off and afterwards you're gonna need much more than a fucking crutch to keep you upright. Trust me, I'll make sure of that." Then he let go and the older surgeon crumbled to the floor.

When he turned to Jo, Alex's eyes were guarded. "You alright?"

"I'm fine," she reassured him.

Just the same he took a look at Jo's flaming cheek, briefly examining the damage. "You need ice for that," he said tersely, reached for her hand and led her into the hospital. He brought her to the attendings' lounge. The residents locker room didn't have a fridge, hence didn't have ice. Jo was relieved no other attendings were hanging out in the lounge when they got there.

Alex pressed Jo into one of the comfy armchairs, then went to the fridge to get an ice pack. When he turned around to her, there were angry sparks in his eyes. Anybody who didn't know Alex as well as Jo did, might have misinterpreted his glare, might have thought he was mad at her. But Jo knew in his mind he was still out there in the parking lot. With Baker.

"This is probably not even necessary," she said as Alex carefully pressed the ice pack against her throbbing cheek. "I bet you can barely even see anything." She tried to sound casual. "It doesn't hurt much either. You know, once I got beat up by a junkie for a couple of dollars. I'm telling you, that was really bad. I my left eye was practically swollen shut. Which wasn't even the worst part. The worst part was that I really needed that cash. I didn't eat for three days." She was babbling, hoping to lighten up the mood.

"We need to do something about him," Alex muttered through gritted teeth.

"What do you mean?"

"Jo, we need to press charges against this guy. He hit you, harassed you and almost assaulted you."

"Some of that happened years ago. And I don't have proof for any of it. I wouldn't stand a chance against him in court, we went over this."

Alex let out a deep, frustrated breath. As his restless gaze drifted toward the door, he let go of the ice pack he was holding against Jo's face, without noticing it. Jo caught it before it could fall to the floor, pressed it against her cheek again. Was he thinking about going after Baker? Gauging if he could still catch him? He wasn't the fastest walker after all.

To regain Alex's attention Jo tried a different approach. "Okay, let's say I press charges against him and let's say, against all odds, people believe me and I win. Do you think he's gonna let it go at that? He's going to file an appeal and this could go on for months or years even. Alex, I don't want that. I want this to be over and I want to move on. So can you please just let him walk away?"

Alex sucked in his bottom lip. "What if he comes back? What if he goes after you?"

Jo shook her head. "He's not going to do that. He's a sadist in some ways and certainly a vindictive asshole, but he would not risk his career, his reputation and his wealth for anything. Besides he had four years to do that. As a former Harvard Med School professor it certainly wouldn't have been hard to find out which hospital I picked for my residency."

"So that's it? You're telling me, there's nothing I can't do about this?" He was so upset, he was all but shouting the last sentence out loud. The look in his eyes was so full of agony, it was like the mere thought of letting the man who hurt her walk away was tearing him up inside.

Jo hated it too. But she was not an innocent in all this and she saw no other way of getting rid of Baker's shadow, which had been looming over her for too long, than letting him go.

"No, there is one thing you could do." She put the ice pack to the side, rose to her feet and met Alex's gaze, just studying him for a moment. "You could hold me."

"What?"

"You could take me into your arms and just hold me for a while."

She wasn't just telling him that to distract him from whatever was going on in his head in that moment. More than that, it was what she needed right now. She put on a tough act, but the truth was she felt quite shaken and her head was pounding and the only thing she longed for was to be enveloped by Alex's body in the most innocent way and just feel the comfort of his touch.

An expression of shame passed through Alex's eyes as he stepped closer and scooped her into his arms. Still, his embrace was rigid and somewhat reluctant at first. But as he realized he needed this just as much as Jo did, the tension faded and he eased up. Jo's eyes fluttered shut and as she finally let go of her carefully harbored self-control a few silent tears trickled down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry, I was acting like an idiot," Alex whispered almost sheepishly. He nuzzled the crook of Jo's neck as he soothingly ran his hands over her back, clinging to her like she was the most precious thing he'd ever held in his hands.

When he eventually drew back he did the cheesiest but at the same time sweetest thing Jo could think of. As tenderly as he could he brushed his lips over her bruised cheek, like he wanted to kiss away the pain.

Jo laughed quietly. "This is a much better fix than your initial plan, you know?"

Alex's mouth twitched into half-smile. "I wish you had let me punch him at least once, though."

She raised a wary eyebrow at him. "Would you have stopped after one?"

Alex took the ice pack and pressed it against Jo's face again. "Probably not," he conceded. "But this is the second time I'm holding ice to your face after some asshole used it as a punching bag. This can't be something that turns into a habit."

"It won't. He's gone now."

Alex drew in a resigned breath. "I hope you're right."

Slowly the ice numbed the left side of Jo's face and the throbbing stopped. A little swelling would probably remain, but she hoped it wasn't so bad it would induce people to ask uncomfortable questions.

"You sure you want to work today?" Alex asked.

"Of course." Jo tried to sound confident. "It's really not that big of a deal."

"And you still want to go to counseling too?"

Jo nodded. Today was her first session with Dr. Wyatt. She was certainly nervous about it, but she'd been nervous before her encounter with Baker. She was still adamant to go. "Yes of course. Therapy was my idea and I'm gonna go through with it."

Alex looked at her with worried eyes. He wasn't entirely convinced. But Jo didn't need his worry on top of her own nervousness. She jumped up and gave him a quick kiss. "I don't want to be late for pre-rounds. See you later."


	25. Chapter 25

**Author's Notes: I knew you would be a bit disappointed I let Baker off the hook so easily. I didn't like it either, but sadly, workplace harassement is rarely punished with more than firing. And if Jo had taken him to court for everything he did to her, she might have had to face the consequences for the things she's done as well, and I didn't want to go there. I know my resolution is maybe a bit anticlimactic and certainly less satisfying than giving the bad guy what he deserves, but I tried my best to keep it all somewhat realistic (which, I realize, is a bit laughable, given that Grey's Anatomy is the source material for this story lol).**

 **As for Alex not getting to punch Baker, personally I'm just done with Alex beating people up or even just threatening to kill a man for somebody he loves. I know it's part of his character, but I just need a break from it for a bit.**

 **Last but not least, I wanted to take this opportunity to say thanks to some of you. I should do this at the end of the story, but I just realized that some of you guys have been sticking with this fanfic (and me) for 1.5 years and that's pretty amazing. Thanks especially to xsweetgirlx91, alexkarevs and reynia311, who I still see pop up in the review section on a regular basis. And thanks to everybody else who is still following this story or just started following it recently. It means a lot :)**

 **But now, without further ado, here's the new chapter:**

* * *

Chapter 25

That night, like many before, Alex woke to an empty bed.

The first thing he noticed when the veil between sleep and waking was lifted was the scent of her lotion. Or hand cream. He wasn't entirely sure what exactly it was. Either way, the pillows and sheets were permeated by the faint but familiar mix of jasmine and vanilla.

Alex smiled to himself as he extended his arm for his girlfriend. Only then did he realize, Jo was gone, even though her smell was still there.

Opening his eyes, Alex rolled around to check his phone on the nightstand for the time. It was almost four thirty in the morning. Alex rubbed the sleep from his eyes and got up. He had to find out where his elusive girlfriend had gone.

As he padded down the stairs he saw the flickering light of a TV coming from the living room.

He stopped in the doorframe. Jo didn't notice him at first. She was sprawled out on the couch, muffled in a fuzzy purple blanket, totally steeped in whatever it was she was watching. "Hey, I thought we had a deal?" Alex asked reproachfully. "I told you to wake me, when you can't sleep."

Jo bobbed up a little, turning her head to her boyfriend. "I'm sorry, but you're a surgeon who works about 80 hours a week. I just couldn't bring it over me to wake you. There's really no need to ruin the sleep of two people in this house."

Alex sighed and fell down on one rear end of the couch, placing Jo's legs on his lap. "Are those surgery videos?"

Jo nodded. "Yup. It's the grand Ellis Grey in action."

"Oh, this is the one where she pulls the guys face off, right? Man, I haven't seen those videos in ages." Alex reached for the half-empty bowl of popcorn Jo had put on the coffee table. The thought that Jo was stuffing her face with popcorn, while watching gory surgery videos as if she were at the movies made him smirk.

"By the way, we had a patient like this once too," he told her as he leaned back into the couch. "People called him Blowhole. Well, actually I called him that too."

Jo kicked her foot against his thigh. "You're such a jerk. You're lucky you've got the Africa program going for you."

"To be honest, the only reason I started that program was, because I wanted to become chief resident."

Jo kicked him again. "Seriously?"

"Hey, just because I started it for the wrong reason, doesn't mean I didn't care. Once it was actually set in motion I cared a lot. And I still do. But, you know... I'm no saint."

A little laugh bubbled up in Jo's throat. "I know you care and I wouldn't want you to be a saint anyways."

They watched in silence for a while, passing around the popcorn. Eventually Jo changed her position and snuggled closer to Alex. She encircled his torso with her hands and leaned her head against his chest. Alex grabbed the blanket and spread it over both of them. He figured now was the right time to find out why Jo was up in the middle of the night, watching old videos. He lowered his head to hers. "What's going on in there?" he asked softly as he pressed his lips to her temple. "Why are you up?"

"Is it because of what happened this morning with Baker?" Alex probed, when she didn't respond.

"No..." Jo hesitated. "Yes, kind of, but it's not just that. I... I didn't go to therapy today." She grabbed Alex's wrist to look at his watch. "Or yesterday actually."

"I know."

"You know?" Jo shot him a quizzical look. "How?"

"Because I was there. I wanted to pick you up so we could go home together."

Jo furrowed her brows. "Why would you do that? Remember, we're not officially back together."

Alex let out a hollow laugh. "Jo, I don't give a crap about what we are 'officially'. I knew this wouldn't be easy for you and I wanted to be there, that's all. So, what happened?"

With a deep sigh Jo straightened up and shrugged off the blanket. "I don't know. I just..." She crossed her legs and sank against the back of the couch. "I was there, I sat down on that couch and Dr. Wyatt looked at me with those thoughtful but kind of scrutinizing eyes and I... I just couldn't do it. I pretended to get paged to an emergency and bailed. Turns out talking about going to therapy and actually going to therapy are two very different things." She dropped her gaze, so that her silky brown hair fell into her face like a curtain.

"I mean, what do I even say? Where do I start?" She glanced up at Alex briefly, then averted her eyes again, staring into her lap. "Maybe therapy isn't the right thing for me after all. The truth is, I'm terrified of diving into... well, into everything that happened. Because I was fine, you know? I've carried my baggage around for years and not dealing with it was probably not the healthiest thing, but somehow it worked for me. I'm not saying I was ever untroubled, but still... I was happy. Or happy-ish. Especially in the last few years." A small smile flickered over her features as her hand casually swished over Alex's knee. "I used to be the girl who got excited about shears sticking out of human skulls, the girl who used to carry around bananas for a friend, because he thought he could live of bacon and powdered sugar donuts alone. I got excited about femur fractures and staged fake break-ups. What if that's all gone? What if I truly face all of my demons and in the end all that's left of me is the sadness and pain I've tried to keep at bay for so long?"

Alex watched her fumble at the sleeves of the blue plaid shirt she was wearing. The sleeves were too long, because it was actually one of his shirts. Jo had borrowed it, like she did with many of his clothes. Alex couldn't imagine she'd ever lose that or any of the other little quirks he loved so much about her.

He pulled her close and rested his head against hers as he comfortingly rubbed her shoulder. "That's not gonna happen, Jo. Besides," he added with a smile, "I'll always welcome your fruit presents. I prefer the donuts, you know that, but I'm taking all your bananas too."

Jo laughed a little, then fell silent.

"So, are you quitting therapy?" Alex asked. It was a genuine question. He would not urge her to do something she didn't want, although he believed counseling would be good for her

Jo shrugged her shoulders. "I guess not. I'm not a quitter. Besides, I don't need another thing in my life that makes me feel like a failure right now."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing. It's just that it feels like I only screw up at work lately. Everybody is finding their calling. Steph in Neuro, Ben in Plastics. I used to have Ortho, but lately it looks like I'm just behind on everything. I'm floundering, while everybody else is thriving. So maybe it's true what they say, sometimes the best students make the weakest surgeons."

"Who said that? Who's 'they'?"

Jo shrugged uncertainly.

"It was him, wasn't it? Baker said that." Alex chlenched his fists as he felt white hot anger boil up inside him. Forcing himself to stay calm, he breathed a gentle kiss against Jo's hair. "Don't let him into your head," he whispered beseechingly.

"It's not just him, though. I don't think that any of the attendings actually care about working with me, or about teaching me."

"Then you need to talk to Webber about that." Alex looked straight into Jo's eyes. "You're a great resident Jo and in a few years you're gonna be a fantastic surgeon. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. And don't let the attendings dismiss you. They have to teach and if they don't do it properly, you have to speak to Webber. He's the director of the residency program, I'm sure he'll help you."

"Yeah, maybe." Jo replied evasively. Her glance shifted to the TV, where Ellis Grey was still operating and barking orders at an intern. The black scrub nurse next to Ellis rolled her eyes at the surgeon's rudeness. She seemed to be well acquainted with Ellis' harsh attitude, because unlike the residents and interns in the OR she wasn't the least bit intimidated. The nurse looked familiar, but Alex didn't know where to put her.

"Look at her," Jo said as she observed Ellis Grey's work with admiration in her eyes. "I bet she never let up. Her unswerving self-confidence is practically oozing through the screen."

Alex stuffed some popcorn into his mouth. "Believe me, she was not perfect. She was a crappy mother and she cheated on her husband."

"Did you ever meet her?"

Alex nodded. "I did, but I met the Alzheimer patient Ellis Grey, not the surgeon. Although she very much thought she was still a surgeon."

Jo shrugged. "Okay, so she was not perfect as a person, but I bet she was as a surgeon. I bet she never screwed up."

Alex scrunched his face in disagreement. "Of course she did. Everybody screws up sometimes."

Jo glanced up at him. "Did you?"

Hesitating, Alex rubbed his palms over his thighs. "More times than I'm willing to admit," he said then.

Jo's eyes were studying him expectantly as she was waiting to hear more. Alex was anything but eager to elaborate on his own shortcomings, but he also wanted to help Jo to put things into perspective.

So he told Jo how he'd failed the medical boards before he'd started his internship. He told her about the patient he'd killed in his first year, because he'd given wrong instructions to a nurse. And he told her about the incident in the elevator, where his fellow intern George O'Malley saved the day, while he was just standing there, frozen, unable to do what was necessary to save the life of a dying patient.

"I'm sorry about that," Jo said, her voice full of empathy. "But you were only an intern back then, you were just starting out. I'm a third year resident, almost fourth. I should have figured things out by now."

"Jo, you're doing good and you'll figure out the rest soon enough. You still got two years to find a specialty. And for what it's worth, even attendings are not immune to feeling like failures sometimes. Remember Take Shepherd for example. He once disappeared into the woods for days, because he lost a patient and couldn't take it. He was this close to quitting surgery."

Jo frowned in disbelief. "Shepherd? Derek Shepherd? I can't believe that. He always seems so-"

"Full of himself?" Alex intercepted.

Jo smacked his arm. "No, I was gonna say confident."

"Anyways, it's true. He went all backwoodsman. Grew a beard, drank lots of booze, was practically done being a surgeon. Meredith brought him to his senses in the end."

Jo chewed on her bottom lip. "Is it bad that this actually makes me feel better?"

Alex grinned. "Nah, misery loves company, it's normal."

"Do you have more stories like this one?"

"Let's see uh... Meredith dropped a kidney during a transplantation in our second year."

"What?"

"It slipped right out of her hands and fell to the floor," Alex elaborated.

Jo chuckled gleefully. "Meredith 'slippery hands' Grey? I like that."

"I knew you would," Alex laughed.

"Okay, what's next?" Jo asked briskly. "How about a Cristina Yang screw up story?"

Alex thought about it for a moment. "I don't think I remember any Yang screw-ups. She went against her superiors' orders a lot, but most times she ended up being right."

Jo pouted her lips in disappointment. "Well, that sucks."

"Tell me about it," Alex retorted, which made them both laugh. "But you know what you got in common? She once had a teacher who put her down every chance she got, just like this asshole did with you. And if you tell your insecurities to shut up for a moment, you're gonna have to admit, that's the only reason why you feel like a failure right now. You never actually screwed up during surgeries, did you?"

"I don't know." She looked at him with guilt-stricken eyes, then added quietly, "I couldn't save your mom."

"Jo, don't blame yourself for that. I know you and Meredith did everything you could."

"It was just a simple abdominal bleeding. She should have survived that surgery. We do Whipples all the time. She should have lived."

"She should have. And there's not one day where I don't think about her and wish I'd gotten more time with her. Or that she could have gotten to know you as my... as more than just her doctor. But what happened is nobody's fault. It was a big surgery, we know there's always a risk. It wasn't your fault, you can't think that," he repeated sternly.

Jo nodded vaguely, but Alex could tell she wasn't entirely convinced.

He rose to his feet to turn off the TV, then he checked his watch. It was almost six o'clock in the morning, the first traces of daylight were already leaking through the curtains. Alex glanced back at Jo, who still seemed to be lost in her thoughts. "What do you say, we go upstairs and try to catch up on some sleep? We both have the day off."

"Not yet... I uh... Alex, there is something I wanted to show you."

"And what's that?"

"Wait here." She jumped up and disappeared into the hallway. Alex could hear her rummaging in a closet.

When she came back, she stopped in the doorway, pressing a small cardboard box to her chest. Alex knew what it was. It was the box with his old photos, the one where he'd locked his past away. He couldn't even remember where he'd put it. Even after he'd mended things with his siblings, it had never occurred to him to go looking for it.

"One night, when I couldn't sleep, I climbed up to the attic. I don't even know why, I guess was just curious, because although I've known this house for several years, I've never been up there. Anyways, among Christmas decorations, broken junk and boxes with old clothes, I found the surgery videos... and this box," Jo explained. "I didn't go through it or anything, but when I realized what it was, I brought it down. I thought maybe you'd want to take a look at it?"

She waited for Alex to say something, but all he could do was stare at the box.

"I can just put it back, if you want me to," she offered.

Alex shook his head. "No, I uh... it's fine, bring it over. There's not much in it anyways."

They sat down together and Alex took the lid off the box after Jo had placed it on the coffee table.

The first framed picture showed his mother. Alex put it to the side without even looking at it properly.

There was a Halloween picture of Amber as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz and Aaron as Batman. They were both wearing lousy self-made costumes, because there was never enough money to buy real ones.

Another picture showed Aaron at soccer practice, when he was about eleven or twelve. His soccer dress, a dark blue shirt and white shorts, was full of grass stains and dirt, but the grin on his face was victorious.

Then there was a photo of Amber on a swing set in the park. It had been taken in the winter. Her bright pink coat, which she'd loved so much, provided a sharp contrast to all the white around her. Her long, blonde braids were flying in the wind as she went higher and higher.

"She was what made us try harder to make things work, you know?" Alex said absent-mindedly. "All of us, even Mom. Amber was just a toddler when I b... when Jimmy left, so she never really knew him. Which was good, because she didn't have to witness... well, she never had to go through all that crap and we... we just wanted her to have a better childhood than Aaron and me." His lips parted into a smile, thinking back to those winter days at the park. "Amber was such an alert and cheerful girl, a real ray of sunshine or whatever you wanna call it. She was a good kid, so was Aaron." He put the picture down on the coffee table. "Sometimes I forget it didn't all suck."

Jo entwined her arm with his and propped her chin on his shoulder. "So are you putting them up? Like on the shelf or the mantelpiece?"

Alex considered it for a moment. But then he remembered what Amber had said to him, when she came to Seattle. She was not the little girl with the braids anymore. And it was true. Just like Aaron wasn't the carefree boy anymore, who loved playing soccer. They were not kids anymore, they all had changed. And Alex was not someone to dwell on the past.

"No, I'm not putting them up. We're gonna make new pictures." He looked at Jo. "All of us. And then we're gonna put those up."

Alex started collecting the photos he'd spread on the coffee table. The Halloween picture, the soccer picture, the snowy park picture - he put them all back into the box. All except for one.

As he took his mother's picture into his hands he paused. For the first time he allowed himself to look at her, really look at her. The picture was a black and white photography, judging by Helen's long, wavy hair, probably taken in the 80s. She was sitting in the grass in the backyard of their house smiling brightly into the camera, looking happy and healthy. Back then she'd still had more good days than bad ones.

Alex thought he was in control of his emotions, but all of a sudden there was this piercing pain in his chest again. At the same time his throat squeezed up so tight it hurt to breathe.

Without a word - he couldn't have spoken even if he'd wanted to - he stood up. His legs felt heavy as he staggered over to the fireplace to put his mother's picture on the mantelpiece.

Alex shut his eyes and forced a few shaky breaths through his lungs. Suddenly arms were wrapped around him from behind and he could feel delicate hands pressed against his chest. "It's okay," Jo whispered, resting her head against his back. "It's okay."

Alex put his own hands over Jo's, holding on to her like he needed her to steady him. And slowly it got easier to breathe again.


End file.
